Andrea asks: How do we deal with the shame that comes from living with an addict and feeling like their addiction is now also a reflection of who we are? It is so painful to be misunderstood and shamed when it’s somebody else’s behaviour that has caused our pain in the first place.
Hi Andrea,
That’s a fantastic question, and so many people feel what this person is asking about. This question is about feeling shame around what the addict in your life is doing. I believe all loved ones of addicts have felt this.
What I want to explain to you is that there is no way in the world that you are at fault for your addict being in active addiction. I know many people think that it’s a disease and that we can’t help it, we’re powerless, but I don’t believe that. If you don’t know, I’m 37 years clean and sober after a devastating 15-year opioid addiction that left me on the brink of suicide. So, I understand what it’s like to be an addict. I also know what it’s like to be a loved one, and I’ve been doing this work professionally for three decades. I don’t believe that addiction is a disease. It’s not the same as cancer, diabetes, or Crohn’s, which is what I have and why my addiction started. I can’t say I’m not going to have Crohn’s anymore. But being in active addiction is a choice that people make—and they can change that choice.
They don’t choose to become addicts—I’ve never known anyone who’s chosen and said, “Gee, I think I’ll be an addict. That should be fun.” But there comes a time in an addict’s life when they know that their life is a mess, and they look around and they see people who have different lives, who have things in their lives that they would like to have—a relationship that’s healthy, children, a job they like, those kinds of things—and they don’t have that. Once an addict understands that their life isn’t going very well, that is the choice point. That’s where loved ones come in because they can help their addicts get to that place. Being in active addiction is a choice. Being in recovery from addiction is a choice for all of us. If it wasn’t a choice, if I were powerless over my addiction, I wouldn’t be in recovery. There wouldn’t be millions of us who are in recovery. We’re not powerless.
Your addict is not powerless, and you did not cause this. This is a choice about how to deal with life. If you’re feeling shame, think about what I’m saying and start to let it go. It isn’t yours—it’s the addict’s shame.
The second thing I want to say about this question is that I understand how terribly painful and difficult it can feel to be misunderstood. I spent years feeling misunderstood. Now, what I know for sure is that the most important person who needs to understand me—is me. It’s the same for you. If you’re feeling misunderstood, you may be allowing other people’s opinion of you to be more important than you need them to be. You might need some help in figuring yourself out. Are there things that you can be doing differently about the fact that your loved one is an addict? Is there something that you can do to help and not enable your addict?
Those are the kinds of things you can change. That’s the way we develop self-respect and self-understanding. I get that it’s hard to be misunderstood. I get that it’s hard to feel shame, especially shame that isn’t ours. I hope that you’ll take my words under advisement. And if you need some help with this, we’re here to help you at Love With Boundaries.
All my best,
Candace