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LoveWithBoundaries

From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

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Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Bailey’s to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?

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Covid, Addiction – and You: You’re Not Alone

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Covid, addiction and you

Just like most of us these days, I’ve been getting email after email – from all the lists I’ve ever been a part of and from many I never signed up for – all about the corona virus – complete with reminders to wash our hands and maintain social distancing. This article will not tell you to wash your hands – because you already know that. It will not tell you to self-isolate or to stay 6’ from each other – because you know that too.

What I do want to talk about today is what it’s like to have an addicted loved one – specifically, one who is still in active addiction – in this period of such uncertainty. Struggling with addiction in your family is heartbreaking enough. But now, with everything that’s happening out there – the stakes have become much higher.

And, it seems, this won’t be over any time soon. I so wish I had better news – for you, for me – for all of us.

COVID-19 IS IMPACTING ADDICTION

Many of us have been hearing about the recent spike in addiction, especially with drugs and alcohol. There are several ways that all things Covid-19 are affecting families dealing with addiction. One is that you might not be in contact with the addict in your life – you may not even know where they are, how they’re doing.  Are they sick? Will they contact you? What if they do contact you – and what if they don’t?

Or you may know where they are, but you can’t be with them. They may live in a different city or country – or just down the block. But you don’t know whether they’re practicing self-isolation or out there using, so it’s dicey to have them come to your home. Maybe you can be in touch online sporadically, when they occasionally reply to your phone calls, texts or emails. And even if they are abusive and disrespectful when you’re able to communicate, you find yourself continually hungry for more contact.

Some families live under the same roof with their addicts – and the self-isolation is making everyone and everything more chaotic than usual. Is your addict behaving in abusive or aggressive ways? Are they abusing substances (or playing video games or gambling online, etc.) each and every day, sometimes all throughout the day and night? Have you been able to set any boundaries, and if so – how are you doing with maintaining those? Maybe you’re already getting to the end of your rope – and we’re really only a few weeks into what could last a much longer time.

WHAT DO YOU DO – HOW DO YOU COPE?

I wish I had a magic answer for all of these issues. I wish I could say to you “If you just do this, all will be well.” But the reality is that things are likely not going to get better for a while, as we all figure out our own ways to deal with our new normal.

There are, however, some things I do know – and I thought I would share those with you today. The first thing I absolutely know is that you are not alone – even though it can totally feel like you are. There are millions of families just like yours, for whom this coronavirus is bringing its own share of unique and problematic issues to deal with.

Some families have become used to not knowing where their addicts are. Some addicts have moved away from home and are choosing to not be in touch on any regular basis. Others have been on the street for a while – sometimes because they haven’t liked the healthy, respectful boundaries their families have set for them. They may have developed a new community of people they’ve come to see as their family – which can feel quite hurtful to their actual family members.

If you don’t know where your addicted loved one is, you may have a few options. One might be to go out and look for them, driving through streets where they may be living, asking people if they’ve seen them – trying to seek them out. But once you find them – IF you find them – then what? Will you ask them to come back home, hoping that things can be different this time – even though the problems that led them away haven’t yet been resolved? And if you can’t find them, will you be able to go on with your own lives without resorting to the familiar obsessive thinking about them – in essence, going into a ‘relapse’ of your own?

Such a difficult situation.

Maybe you’re all too aware of where the addict in your life is – especially now, in this reality of “self-isolation” – because they are living with you and creating problems as a result of being underfoot 24-7. When people who are in active addiction begin to have feelings they don’t want to deal with (such as fear of becoming ill or dying from a virus), they invariably begin to use their addiction even more. As time goes on – with people not being able to get away from each other – it is very likely that addictive behaviours will start to skyrocket.

As terrible as this all can be, there actually is hope. I know you probably can’t see it at this moment – but stay with me, and we’ll get there.

This is the usual scenario in most families dealing with addiction: You love the addict – to the point where it hurts both yourself and them.  And because you’re not sure what else to do, you do your best to avoid whatever conflict you can. Any boundaries you’ve set are allowed to be trampled upon. Any self-care you’ve been practicing flies out the window as you just try – to the best of your ability – to keep those turbulent waters calm. As a result, the addict begins to understand that they call the shots and their sense of entitlement goes off the rails.

LOVE VS. ENABLING

When we allow this to happen, we find ourselves in the cycle of enabling. And when we give in to enabling our addicted loved ones, we inadvertently lead ourselves right into codependency and self-abandonment. You obsess about them incessantly, you’re so worried about them – you love them so much – that you abandon yourself in the process.

But we have to ask ourselves, is that REALLY love? Does love really hurt that much? How can we love others and stay healthy ourselves?

One thing that codependent people are very good at is remaining loyal to the point of lunacy. We can go for long periods of time truly believing that “My love can save them” – so we try and try and try and try to do just that. But the truth is that it is only when an addict chooses to stop using and to recover, that they can be saved from addiction. That is not a decision any of us can make for them.

And we know today that an enabled addict does not recover, because if all their needs are met – why should they even try?

When we’re loyal to that point of lunacy, we’re not looking after ourselves. We are, in fact, giving our personal power away to somebody else – usually to a person who will abuse that power. In order to love an addict and stay healthy, we need to learn how to take care of ourselves – holistically – from many different angles.

Your mission – should you choose to accept it – is to be as gentle with yourself as you can be during this difficult time. Maybe you can write a list of ‘gifts’ you can give yourself so you can begin to feel even a little better. And if you’d like to share that with us, my team and I would love to hear your list of self-offerings.

If you subscribe by following the link below, you will receive additional articles in this series. In my next article, we’ll explore 5 ways you can begin – or continue – to actively love and care for yourself. You’ll learn how important this is for your own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health – as well as learn some wonderful strategies for kick-starting your own personal self-care.

I hope you’ll join me!

Just click this link to subscribe and to send us your thoughts about how you’ll begin to treat yourself better, starting right now!

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From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

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Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Bailey’s to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?

New Year’s Resolutions? Try Intentions Instead!

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New Year's Intentions

In the immortal words of John Lennon, another year is over and a new one’s just begun.

Isn’t it interesting how we, as a society, agree that this is the time to give ourselves and our lives a complete and total new makeover? We have decided that at this time of the year we will revisit the year we’re leaving behind, dissecting it to see what worked for us and what didn’t. And on top of that, we need to make sure that we meet all of our “resolutions” quickly and perfectly or else we have failed – no pressure there!

While there is nothing wrong with re-assessing yourself from time to time and exploring changes you would like to make, the problems come when you allow yourself to over-identify with the “hype” of the season. It is one thing to make the overblown and often unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that you think you should make at this time of year, and quite a different process to take stock of where you are, in present time, to see what you might like to be doing differently so that you can live your best life.

RESOLUTION vs. INTENTION

My dictionary defines resolution as “the action of solving.” It stands to reason, therefore, that if we are looking at making resolutions, we will be focusing on problems in our lives that need to be solved. We will be looking at what we think is “wrong” with us and how to “fix” ourselves. Common examples of resolutions might be losing weight or going to the gym more often because we see ourselves as being too heavy. Whatever our resolutions are, the perception will be that something is wrong with us and we need to fix it.

An intention is different. My dictionary defines intention as “the determination to act in a certain way”. This has nothing to do with seeing yourself as a problem that needs to be resolved; instead, intentions are about becoming aware of different ways that you would prefer to be in your life. Some examples of an intention might be to become more patient with the people in your life, to treat others with more kindness, or to feel like you’re making a positive difference in the world.

In my experience, most New Year’s Resolutions stem from problems that people think they need to solve about themselves. Most commonly, these resolutions are often about decreasing “addictive behaviours” such as alcohol and/or drug use, over-eating (or under-eating), smoking, over-spending, gambling, spending too much time on the internet, or being in relationships that are not healthy

It is important to understand that addictive behaviours are generally used to avoid facing what is really going on in our lives. In order to avoid a variety of life tasks, or to avoid having to experience their true feelings, many people create destructive and self- sabotaging distractions for themselves. If you think this may be the case in your life, you might want to try doing something different this year.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT YOURSELF?

This year, instead of looking at something about yourself that you need to fix or improve, why not explore how you would prefer to feel about yourself? For example, if quitting smoking is something you would really like to do in 2020, focusing on the increased self-respect you will feel when you accomplish this may be more helpful than shaming yourself into it by telling yourself that you “should” quit or how weak you are for continuing to smoke.

In the same way, ask yourself how you feel about yourself when you consistently distract yourself by drinking too much, or by over-eating, over-spending or staying in a relationship that is emotionally or physically abusive for you. Would those inner feelings change if you were to begin taking better care of yourself? How can you best honour and respect yourself? What do you need to do (or not do) to feel that sense of inner peace and self- respect, and how can you translate that into an intention for self-caring change?

IT CAN HELP TO TALK IT OVER

Becoming aware of how you would like to feel about yourself and beginning to make your changes from that place will help you to be more realistic when deciding upon your intentions. This self-awareness will also give you more incentive to actually follow through on the steps you will need to take to reach your goals. You may well find that this kind of inner change brings your intentions to fruition more swiftly than trying to “fix” yourself from the outside in.

When you are on the threshold of inner changes, it can be useful to talk about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive friend, family member, colleague, or perhaps with a skilled professional who can help you make sense of what is going on inside of you. Remember to be gentle with yourself, as you are more likely to make your intended changes when you stop shaming and guilt-tripping yourself.

A New Way to Understand Addiction

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A New Way to Understand Addiction

There are many schools of thought about addiction and what it really is. Some people consider it to be a physical disease, while others credit genetic predisposition while also addressing the nature/nurture paradigm.

Even if some or all ring true for each of us, what I know to be true—as an addict in recovery for nearly 33 years, as a loved one of addicts, and as a professional addiction therapist for three decades—is that underneath all of this, staying in active addiction is a choice. And it’s a choice that is much easier to maintain when there is someone enabling the addiction to continue.

Understanding Addiction

When faced with addiction in the family, it may be necessary to understand some of the ways addiction can manifest, as this kind of clarity will make it easier for you to improve your own situation.

Due to the fact that addiction is either mind-altering or mood-altering (and in some cases, both), people in the throes of active addiction are typically not able to be present physically or emotionally in their relationships. Their main focus is on getting their next fix, whatever that may be. Because in virtually every instance, the addicted person will use their addictive behaviour of choice to run away from his or her real—and often difficult—feelings.

Why People Engage in Addictive Behaviours

Nearly all addictions and negative behaviours—including codependency—start with fear. All of us have certain behaviours that we use when we are fearful of facing our physical, emotional, or spiritual pain. If you love an addict, you likely have adopted a pattern of avoidance to deal with the horrible feeling of losing control over your own life.

With an addicted loved one in your life, you may behave in ways that are not helpful when you are facing a challenging situation. This is typically followed by making excuses for behaving in ways that aren’t beneficial—what I like to call arguing for your limitations—rather than owning your part in keeping the dysfunctional dynamic going.

Fear is such a huge part of the addictive process that there are, in fact, three acronyms for it—and most addicts and loved ones fall into at least one of these categories.  #1 and #2 below are usually old patterns that originate from a desire to not have to feel the feelings.  Acronym #3 is the healthiest way of dealing with any painful situation—it is what addicts and loved ones need to aspire to, in order to shift into new ways of responding to life.

F-E-A-R #1 = Forget Everything and Run!

No matter what type of addictive behaviour people choose, it will primarily be used to change what they’re feeling. In the first example of F-E-A-R, when life becomes overwhelming, people will do whatever they can to avoid facing their reality. In this case, fear means Forget Everything and Run!

Most of the time, people use addictions to feel better or to try to become happier. Sometimes, however, those same addictions can be used to sabotage good feelings—especially when people mistakenly believe they don’t deserve happiness. Either way, the goal of addictive behaviours is to alter one’s emotional state.

Do you recognize this in yourself as well? Do you hide from your life when you feel overwhelmed by your situation—or perhaps when things are going well and you feel too good?

F-E-A-R #2 = False Evidence Appearing Real

When people sabotage themselves, they are usually under the misconception that they somehow don’t deserve to have a good life. They may even start to believe that nothing good ever happens to them, or become convinced that something negative is waiting for them just around the corner. More often than not, these faulty core beliefs begin in childhood, especially if there was addiction, domestic violence of some sort, or other dysfunctional dynamics going on in the home as they were growing up.

This is neither a realistic nor healthy way to look at life, because we all experience good and bad. When people live with the kind of fear that tells them they only deserve the bad things in life, they are trying to convince themselves that this ‘false evidence’ is actually real, because this is what their faulty belief system tells them.

So, if your default way of thinking is that life is unfair, nothing good ever happens to you, that you’re all alone in the world and can’t trust anyone, that you’re unlovable, or maybe even that you deserve to be unhappy, you’re living in this type of fear. And the good news is that you can change this!

F-E-A-R #3 = Face Everything and Recover

The way to change your faulty core beliefs is to face everything and recover. You can make the choice to use your challenges as springboards toward exactly that. If you’re ready to face reality as it is, and look for things to become even better, it will be possible for you to make different life choices.

You can learn why you’ve been engaging in addictive behaviours such as codependency and enabling—which are only adding to the chaos you are already experiencing with your addicted loved one. Only you can make the changes necessary to live with more integrity and increased self-respect.

What Is Addiction, Really?

Because there are different ways of thinking about what addiction is, how it is caused, and what can be done about it, this can create some confusion for those trying to recover.  But even though these philosophies appear to be different, they can also overlap.

One theory when it comes to mood-altering addictions such as smoking, compulsive overspending, disordered eating, gambling, or codependency in relationships, is that these behaviours were role-modeled for children as they were growing up. Some children learned to use these actions quite early in their lives and unwittingly brought them into adulthood.

Some people also believe that there is a chemical sensitivity to mind-altering substances—similar to an allergy—causing people to change distinctly when they use it. For example, when imbibing alcohol, a person with an “allergy” to that substance might change from a pleasant, fun-loving guy to an angry rageaholic—or vice versa. An “allergic” reaction for someone addicted to marijuana might be to become paranoid and highly anxious after smoking it.

Regardless of the addiction and how it manifests, addictive behaviours are likely to progress and become even worse over time when the appropriate help is not forthcoming.

Addiction as a Choice

Whether addiction is considered to be a disease, the result of genetics, a product of socialization or environment, or a chemical sensitivity, when a person engages in an addictive behaviour, it ultimately stems from a personal choice to do so. As I’ve mentioned, this decision is generally made in order to change difficult feelings, but since it is a choice to react to life in this way, it is possible to make a different decision. If this weren’t true, millions of people who believe in the disease model or any of the other substructures would not have been able to recover when they made the decision to stop engaging in their addiction.

When it comes to recovery, all addicts ultimately have a choice: they can either continue to use their addiction or they can stop. It really is that simple. But simple doesn’t always mean easy—and that’s what stops a lot of addicts and loved ones from being on that healthier journey.

Because once you choose to stop, the deeper work begins—so please be gentle with yourself as you embark on your self-discovery—and remember to reach out for help when you need it.

What Is Codependency?

When the word “codependency” first came into being in the 1930s, it was used to define the loved ones of alcoholics who would drink along with their alcohol-dependent partners, in order to spend time with them and know where they were when they were not at home. Bill Wilson—the founder of AA—and his wife, Lois, are prime examples of that dynamic.  But over the years the meaning of the word has shifted to mean more than that.

In today’s language, people act in codependent ways when they put others’ needs ahead of their own on a fairly consistent basis. Most loved ones of people with addictions are codependent within those relationships, and sometimes in other relationships as well.  With their addicts, they do things like offer money, allow them to stay in the family home while they’re using and behaving badly in other ways, and do things for them that they could—and basically should—be doing for themselves. The bar is set very low for these addicts, often for a very long time. For the loved one, the choice to respond to the addict in this way is usually mired in a desire to avoid any and all conflict. As a result, loved ones are actually really meeting their own emotional needs—even though they sincerely do want to be able to help the addicts they so dearly love.

If you believe you are acting in codependent ways with your addicted loved one, you will have your own choice point to consider: Will you continue to hope that the addict’s negative behaviours will just go away, or will you be willing to continue doing your inner work so that you can find out why you have such a fear of and aversion to conflict?

Please remember that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Addiction is a progressive condition that does not just get better over time without positive, appropriate help.

The only way to truly bring an addiction under control is to discover what caused it in the first place. This is true for addicts and enablers alike. Counselling, rehabs, and support groups can all help with that.

If you are codependent in the ways you’re showing love to your addict, you’ll need to take 100% responsibility for your own recovery from addictive behaviours so that you can reclaim your integrity and self-respect.  When you are willing to come out of your own comfort zone, you can then assist the addict you love to come out of theirs.

An enabled addict does not recover. There is now assistance for loved ones who know they need to shift the way they’re dealing with their addicts—please don’t hesitate to reach out for the help you need. Your family will ultimately thank you for it!