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LoveWithBoundaries

How do I know when it’s time to say “I’m done!” with an addict?

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Anonymous asks: My sister has been an addict for over 10 years – how do I know when it’s time to slam the door and say “I’m done!”

Hi Anonymous,

The truth is that only you will know when that time has come. When we’ve been putting up with the bad behaviours associated with active addiction, there is an ending point for many people.

That being said, it’s also possible that if you try some different responses with your sister, you might find that she responds differently to you too. For example, a boundary that you can set could be “I love you – you’re my sister – but I often don’t like your behaviour. I love you enough to say “No” to any ways that I’ve helped you stay stuck in addiction – and I’m beginning to respect myself enough to not put up with the feelings of hurt, anger, and devastation that your behaviours cause. When you’re really ready to get some help to come out of addiction and into recovery, let me know and I’ll do what I can to be there for you. But for now, I choose not to do this horrific dance with you any longer.”

If you set a boundary in this way, you are closing the door but not slamming it or locking it. It’s very possible that this might be exactly what your sister needs to hear from you in order to choose recovery for herself. She may need some time to test your boundary and to do her best to shame and guilt you – and my hope is that you won’t give in to her manipulations because that won’t be good for either of you. But as you stay strong in your boundaries, coming from a place of love instead of anger, you may be surprised when she lets you know that she does indeed want help.

If you need some help determining and languaging your boundaries, I hope you’ll reach out to us. At Love With Boundaries, this is what we do and we would be happy to have a free 30-minute call with you to look at what you need and how we can help. Good luck and thank you for your question!

All my best,
Candace

Self-Care Leads to Self-Respect

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When we take better care of ourselves, we begin to feel much better holistically.  As we take our needs off the back burner – where they have never belonged in the first place – and take more ownership of what we actually can control (ourselves), we can stop rescuing others and thus help them develop their own resiliency. In this way, we can contribute to others feeling better about themselves as well.

 

How do I know if my husband is addicted?

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P.A. asks: How do I know if my husband is addicted? What signs should I be looking for?

Hi P.A.,

This is something that most loved ones of addicts wonder about. They have some suspicions, but aren’t sure exactly what to look for. And because most family members don’t want to think that a person they love is having a problem with addiction, they often minimize the signs they’re seeing and doubt themselves instead. The decision to do this generally keeps the problem going for a lot longer.

A good gauge is that if you think there could be something going on, there just may be. It’s best to do what you can to check it out, rather than just hope everything is fine. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, you very well could be right.

The signs you need to be looking for have to do with changes in patterns of both habits and behaviours. When people become consumed with addiction, their priorities change to less healthy ones. For example, someone who is using alcohol and drugs, going to the casino more frequently, or gaming online for many hours – especially at night – will often experience trouble getting up in time to get to work or school in the morning.

They also may start hanging out with different friends or colleagues, or they may start wearing different kinds of clothes. They may be more concerned about their appearance or they might choose to not take as good care of their hygiene as they used to. If they are a student, their grades may start to slip – and if they work, you may be getting calls from employers wondering where they are. And as this occurs with greater frequency, you may find yourself being asked for money more often or realize that your joint bank account is shrinking.

You also may be able to smell chemicals on them that weren’t showing up before. People who drink too much sometimes switch to vodka, thinking that other people won’t be able to smell it on them. But vodka does have a smell to it – as do the mints used to try to cover up that odour. Drugs also have chemical scents that can last on the body and clothing for long periods of time. That can be a real giveaway, one that the addict may not think can ‘out’ them.

In short, occurrences like these that seem out of the ordinary to you are worth noting and checking out. It’s best to recognize addictive behaviours as early as possible because addiction is progressive and generally won’t get better if it’s ignored.

Thank you for this very important question.

All my best,
Candace

How do I know if I’m “loving my addict to death” as you mentioned in your TEDx talk?

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From Anonymous: I heard you say in your TEDx talk that we may be “loving our addicts to death.” That scared me – how do I know if I’m doing that with my addict?

Hi Anonymous, this has to do with the crucial difference between enabling and helping – and I’m so glad you asked about this.

When we enable someone, we are basically doing for them what they can – and should – be doing for themselves. When we do this with the addicts we love, over an extended period of time, we are actually taking away their sense of healthy pride in themselves for being resilient and learning that they are capable of more than they thought they could do. We deprive them of their pat-on-the-back moments.

For example, if we continually do their laundry for them, why should they learn how to do it for themselves? Why not just keep wearing their dirty clothes until someone else puts them in the washing machine and pushes the button to turn it on?

Without that amazing feeling of self-respect, addicts generally stay stuck in their addictions, rather than venturing out past their ‘comfort zones’ and trying new ways to deal with life. When we choose to do everything for the addict, the bar we’ve set for them is so low that it might as well be under the ground – and most addicts will simply decide to stay stuck in the laziness they’ve grown accustomed to. The bar is set too low for them and they come to believe that they can’t raise it themselves.

Helping is the opposite of enabling. We can help by raising that bar and showing the addicts we love HOW to do their own laundry – how much soap to use, how to choose the correct cycle, how to push that Start button – while also setting a loving boundary telling them that we won’t be doing their laundry for them anymore. We can even explain that we’re doing this because we love them so much and we want them to feel the pride of wearing the clean clothes that they themselves have laundered.

This is only one example – but the dynamic relates to many other enabling behaviours. And while it’s true that doing someone’s laundry for them won’t ‘love them to death,’ if we keep doing for addicts what they can and should be doing for themselves, how will they grow to be accountable for themselves rather than choose to remain lazy with most things?

When an addict is allowed to remain stuck in addiction, that is not a loving act on the part of the enabler. We may feel like we’re doing something kind for the addict – but if this kind of action on your part is continuous and more damaging, then their addiction is going to be even more consuming for them. Some of these more detrimental enabling behaviours include:

  • Giving the addict money even though you know where that money will go
  • Paying an addict’s rent and/or buying their food
  • Allowing the addict to live in your family home without contributing at all
  • Letting the addict get away with using all night and sleeping all day
  • Putting up with obnoxious and even violent behaviour toward other family members
  • Setting the bar so low for them that they are not required to either work, go to school, or be in some form of active recovery

Addiction is progressive – it does not usually stop on its own, and as we enable them, the worse it gets. An enabled addict doesn’t recover because – really, why should they? This is how we love our addicts TO DEATH.

We need to raise the bar for the addicts we love – even if that’s uncomfortable for us to do. We all know that addicts continue to die – whether by their own hand (suicide) because they hate the lives they’re living, or by accidental overdose. This is not news to any of us. By NOT giving an addict money, especially when we know where that money is going to go, we are doing the most loving thing we can do for them. By not contributing to an addict’s addiction in any way, and instead by using whatever healthy leverage we have in order to support them (and our family members, by extension) to get the help they need, we are loving them TO LIFE.

Thank you again for asking this question!
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

Holistic Self-Care Is Vital to a Healthy Recovery

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The importance of balanced self-care cannot be overstated – both for you and for the addict you love.  When we take care of ourselves, we develop our self-respect, which in turn lowers our need for choosing addictive behaviours. Whether it’s you deciding to stop any enabling you might be doing, or your addict making the decision to go into recovery, a sense of self-care and self-respect will be the springboard for these healthy choices.