Expecting the addict in your life to change if you’re not willing to do the same is not only unfair – but it also won’t work well. Although your addict is responsible for his or her own choices and behaviours, as the loved one you bear some responsibility for any ways that you have contributed to these dysfunctional patterns – and you must be willing to change those first, before the addict you love so dearly will be willing to change what they have been doing.
The Serenity Prayer tells us that we need to “accept the things we cannot change” and to have “the courage to change the things we can.” First and foremost, we need to understand that we cannot change another person, even though we want to believe we can. Although we might be able to influence other people, the only person we can ever really change is ourselves – and we need to develop the courage to do that when our thoughts and our actions aren’t serving us well.
Annie G asks: My sister has been having trouble with alcohol for about 4 years now. We‘ve sent her to rehab twice but she relapsed both times. My parents have been keeping her afloat financially for many years – which I don’t understand because she works full time and has enough money to buy her alcohol. That really makes me mad! About 3 months ago, she married a guy she barely knew when they went to Vegas together and even though he knows she’s a problem drinker (at the very least), he encourages her to drink and I think they are now using other drugs together too. My parents are continuing to pay part of their rent, food, and other monthly bills. I hate that this is happening! What should we do?
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Hi Annie,
Believe it or not, this is a very common scenario playing out in families who don’t yet understand the vitally important difference between enabling someone with addictive behaviours and actually helping them to come out of addiction and have the chance to recover.
It sounds like your parents may be very worried about your sister but simply don’t know what else to do. I know without question that nobody else can ‘get her out’ of addiction. Only your sister can do that – because she is the one making the choices that are giving her the lifestyle she has. If other people are going to tolerate this behaviour and even reinforce it by not holding her accountable for her choices, then what incentive would she have to do anything differently?
Enabled addicts don’t recover – because really, why should they? Every time we rescue an addict or enable them in any kind of way, we are actually contributing to their choice to stay exactly where they are. Many families believe that doing this is a loving act – because they mistakenly believe that the addicts they love are “powerless” and “can’t stop” using the addiction. This is simply not true. Millions of addicts (of all kinds) all over the world have indeed stopped. I am one of them.
We understand that even though this may be a difficult thing to do, we definitely can recover from addiction. Recovery from addiction occurs when addicts are no longer being enabled – when families stop making it so comfortable for them to choose to stay in active addiction.
Your sister will very likely sit up and take notice when your parents stop enabling her – with money as well as in other ways. Doing what they’ve been doing clearly isn’t working – so it’s time to ask themselves “Am I willing to try something different?”
That different approach will be to say to her “We love you so much. We love you so much that we’re no longer willing to support your choice to stay in active addiction – because we don’t want that life for you and it’s extremely difficult for us to see you there. So we will no longer help pay your rent and other expenses, or spend time with you when you’re drunk or high. When you’re really ready for help to make a different choice, let us know and we will be there for you in whatever ways we can.”
When your parents are ready to do this with your sister, after some initial pushback from her, they will see things begin to shift. If you and/or they need some assistance with this, please feel free to reach out to us.
Burnout among health care professionals has become a common and critical problem affecting staff, the agencies for which they work, and the clients they serve. As a therapist working in the health care system for over 30 years, I have seen a great many of my colleagues suffer from the various types of stress that can adversely affect workers in this field. I have watched some of them “burn out,” using up their paid sick time, taking stress leaves, resorting to unhealthy coping behaviours, and sometimes leaving the profession altogether. I have also seen others deal with their stresses in healthier ways, choosing to practice such self-care strategies as seeking out personal counselling and taking refreshing holidays.
In the course of my career as a health care professional dealing with my own occupational stresses, I have come to believe that we do not have to burn out; although it is a relatively common occurrence, it is not a necessary requirement of the work. In my opinion, the key lies in the willingness to become self-aware and make the changes necessary to remaining holistically healthy. I believe it is incumbent upon us, as healers, to serve as guides and role models for our clients. As such, we must be doing our own personal work in order to most effectively assist our clients to do theirs. [Read more…]
Anonymous asks: My sister has been an addict for over 10 years – how do I know when it’s time to slam the door and say “I’m done!”
Hi Anonymous,
The truth is that only you will know when that time has come. When we’ve been putting up with the bad behaviours associated with active addiction, there is an ending point for many people.
That being said, it’s also possible that if you try some different responses with your sister, you might find that she responds differently to you too. For example, a boundary that you can set could be “I love you – you’re my sister – but I often don’t like your behaviour. I love you enough to say “No” to any ways that I’ve helped you stay stuck in addiction – and I’m beginning to respect myself enough to not put up with the feelings of hurt, anger, and devastation that your behaviours cause. When you’re really ready to get some help to come out of addiction and into recovery, let me know and I’ll do what I can to be there for you. But for now, I choose not to do this horrific dance with you any longer.”
If you set a boundary in this way, you are closing the door but not slamming it or locking it. It’s very possible that this might be exactly what your sister needs to hear from you in order to choose recovery for herself. She may need some time to test your boundary and to do her best to shame and guilt you – and my hope is that you won’t give in to her manipulations because that won’t be good for either of you. But as you stay strong in your boundaries, coming from a place of love instead of anger, you may be surprised when she lets you know that she does indeed want help.
If you need some help determining and languaging your boundaries, I hope you’ll reach out to us. At Love With Boundaries, this is what we do and we would be happy to have a free 30-minute call with you to look at what you need and how we can help. Good luck and thank you for your question!
All my best,
Candace
