It’s important to be able to distinguish between unhealthy messages you may be giving the addict in your life (enabling) and healthier messages (helping). Otherwise, we can run the risk of keeping the addicts we love stuck in their addiction.
Setting Boundaries with Your Addicted Loved One
As loved ones, when we stay in denial or decide to not speak our truth in order to avoid conflict, we are basically arguing for our addict’s limitations. Sometimes, when addicts hear someone tell them the truth about how their addiction is affecting other people, they make the choice to relapse – perhaps to show others how emotionally fragile they are. But this coping mechanism is usually a manipulation, designed to teach their loved ones not to bother them – so that they can make the choice to stay in their addiction.
Recovery from Codependency: Self-Awareness Is the Key
Here we all are, drawing closer to leaving 2021 behind and beginning a new year. These past 12 months have been momentous in so many ways – and I know that you don’t need me to go into much detail about that. For some of us, this year that’s ending has included much loss and grieving – of people we loved, of businesses and jobs that evaporated because of Covid-19 and other factors. For other people, there were opportunities for growth and well-being – with all kinds of shades of grey in between for so many of us.
But what holds true for all of us is that our lives are made up of a combination of experiences, how we perceive them and how we choose to handle them. Some days, during this past year, we felt like we were trudging through darkness with the weight of the world upon us, with no light in sight. Some days we either stayed as busy as we could or dipped even further into already-present addictions, not wanting to think (or perhaps feel) too much about what was happening. And yet, here we all are again, being asked about our New Year’s resolutions – something we don’t seem to be able to get away from pondering at this time of year.
For the past few Decembers, I’ve written articles about the difference between ‘resolutions’ and ‘intentions’ – and although I still feel this is a very important distinction worth discussing, I now want to explore it from a different angle – specifically from the perspective of codependency and recovery.
While there is nothing wrong with reassessing yourself from time to time and exploring changes you would like to make, the problems come when you allow yourself to over-identify with the “hype” of the season. It’s one thing to make the overblown and often unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that you think you should make at this time of year, and quite a different process to take stock of where you are, in present time, to see what you might like to be doing instead so that you can live your best life.
In short, it’s important to increase our level of self-awareness so that we can successfully make distinctions such as these. [Read more…]
Allowing the Addict You Love to Be Uncomfortable in Their Addiction
When an addict becomes “comfortable” remaining in active addiction, they will have no real incentive to do anything different. When we take care of their needs – financial, physical, and emotional – so that they are not required to do much, if anything, for themselves, then we also take away their chance at a real and lasting recovery.
Addiction and the Holidays: Doing It Differently This Year
Another year has gone by and “The Holidays” are fast approaching – although if you’re anything like me, you’re still wondering where September went!
The time has come when we are once again seeing commercials on TV and in magazines about how wonderful the Christmas season is, that it is better to give than to receive, and how warm and loving families are, especially at this time of year.
But the reality is that, for many people, this is not a time of peace and joy . . . And that is especially true this year – in our second Covid Christmas season. Like our first year of the pandemic, many people have lost loved ones – to the corona virus, to opioid overdoses, and to many other heartbreaking occurrences and diseases. Even though more vaccinated people are deciding to travel this year to spend time with loved ones, this will not be a happy time for a great many families.
Even for those of us who have not lost our loved ones, this can be quite a challenging time for a variety of reasons. However, because there seems to be so much awkwardness associated with not having uplifting holiday times, most people don’t talk openly about how difficult this time of year can be for them. This can lead to intense feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and even shame.
And when any form of addiction is thrown into the mix, this season of the year can feel anything but jolly.
If you and your family can relate to any of the following, then this article may give you some helpful tips for getting through the holidays. [Read more…]