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LoveWithBoundaries

My husband and I are fighting about him enabling our son

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addiction recovery

From YJ:  My oldest son has just gotten his 2nd DUI and has been given a hefty fine. His car has also been impounded for 3 months. My husband, who is his major enabler, is ‘loaning’ him the money to pay the fine (even though we will probably never get it back) and has begun to drive him wherever he wants to go. I can’t believe this is happening! My husband and I are fighting about it constantly and I’m afraid we might end up in divorce court. Your book has been really great in helping me open my eyes about what not to do in situations like this. But how can I make him see that enabling our son won’t really be helping him?

Hi YJ,

The difficult reality is that we can’t “make” anyone see or do anything. This is language we all use from time to time – but because we live on a planet of free will, the truth is that we don’t – and actually can’t – control what another person chooses to do. So, unless your husband decides to see that enabling your son won’t be of any real “help” to him, he will likely continue to enable.

What I would suggest is that you see if you can have a calm conversation with your husband, where you explain your thoughts and feelings to him. See if he might be open to learning more about the difference between enabling and helping. Perhaps you can watch my TEDx talk together about how families often enable the addicts they love – and that this rarely, if ever, has a positive outcome for the family. After you’ve watched it together, maybe you can talk about some of the points I’ve brought up in it. (Here is the link for my TEDx talk.)

If your husband is going to choose to enable your son, you could speak your truth to him and let him know that this is no longer a dynamic you want to experience in your family. If you’re not sure how to do this or how to language the boundaries and consequences, this could be a good time for you to reach out for help for yourself – because even if your son decides to stay in active addiction and your husband chooses to continue to enable him, you can still find ways to live your own best life.

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

Yes, Change Can Be Hard – But It’s Worth It!

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The way I see it, there are two kinds of pain. There is the pain that goes on and on and on – and there is the pain that hurts, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When we love an addict and want them to change, we find that we need to change first, in order for that to happen. Changing oneself is often not an easy process in the short run – but in the long run, it’s so worth it! Difficult family dynamics transform and the addicts we love often also make the choice to make the very changes we were hoping to see.

addiction recovery

My girlfriend is a heroin addict, and it’s affecting our relationship

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Mike T asks: My girlfriend is a heroin addict. It’s really affecting our relationship but I don’t want to leave her. I love her a lot and she needs me.

Hi Mike,

When someone is an addict, especially with mind-altering substances like heroin, they simply will not be able to be emotionally present with you. Your girlfriend’s addiction is going to take priority for her. This is why your relationship is being affected like that.

Loving someone sometimes means doing things that are difficult. When you say she needs you, consider this: she needs you to do what’s right for her – even when it’s hard for you. She needs you to tell her the truth and to set some healthy boundaries, all from a place of love, so that you’re not enabling her and are instead actually helping her to have a chance at recovery. When we enable addicts, we basically are contributing to their CHOICE to say in addiction. What we know to be true is that an enabled addict will not recover – because why should they?

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely?

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Penny C. asks: How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely? He doesn’t seem to want to do that.

Hi Penny,

The way it works is that if loved ones want to see changes in the addicts they love, they will need to make some changes within themselves first. (This is a process, and you may need to seek out some help with it.) So what you can say to him is “I don’t want to live with someone who drinks anymore. I would like our relationship to continue, and I’m hoping you’re ready to stop. I will no longer be supporting you, in any way, if you choose to stay in active addiction – but I will support you in the best ways I can when you choose to stop drinking and go into recovery.”

You’re saying that he doesn’t seem to want to stop. Please remember that we teach other people how to treat us. If he thinks you’re going to put up with his drinking, then what incentive would he have to want to stop a behaviour that he feels helps him get through life?

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

 

Are You a People-Pleaser?

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People-pleasers tend to care more about what others think of them than about how they truly feel about themselves. Shifting out of this dysfunctional pattern requires being patient and gentle with ourselves, as we learn to treat ourselves with more care and self-respect.

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