When we don’t hold an addict accountable for their unhealthy behaviours, we prepare them for a world that doesn’t exist. They begin to believe that they can act in whatever ways they choose and get away with that. It can be a huge shock when they are held accountable by the societal systems that are in place – for example, being fired, arrested or incarcerated. We can actually love the addicts in our lives by setting – and maintaining – appropriate, respectful boundaries, so they can see that their negative behaviours need to change.
Am I Helping or Enabling? The Wisdom to Know the Difference
For those of you who have been following me for a while, you know that I love the Serenity Prayer. I’m not a fan of the way it’s recited at the end of every 12-Step meeting, in a quick, sing-song kind of way. In fact, even as I said it that way with everybody else for the first 10 years of my own recovery from many addictive behaviours, I began to feel curious about this Prayer and what it really meant. As I dug deeper, I discovered it to be one of the simplest, most profound pieces of writing I had ever experienced. And now, as an Addictions Therapist for over 30 years, I often use it with my clients to help provide both simplicity and clarity in sometimes very complicated circumstances.
I have written several articles about the Serenity Prayer over the years, which can be found on my Blog and the Free Articles page on my website. Today, however, I want to focus mostly on the last line:
“The Wisdom to Know the Difference”
Dealing with Conflict When You Love an Addict
If you love an addict who is in active addiction, you are likely experiencing passivity and aggression from them – usually in a back-and-forth manner. They can go from hiding out quietly in their rooms to loudly demanding what they want in an entitled way – and they can make that shift very quickly. If you are codependent with them, giving in so that you can avoid conflict, you may never know when the next shoe will drop – when the next aggressive, entitled demand may come your way.
But once you learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way with your addicted loved one – and anyone else in your life – you then have the opportunity to become emotionally authentic and free. [Read more…]
Setting Boundaries with an Addict:
“I Just Don’t Have the Heart.”
I was recently talking with the parent of an addict who is still in active addiction and didn’t appear to be stopping any time soon. This father was concerned about his daughter, who was in her mid-twenties and had been using drugs for a number of years. Some of the many mind-altering substances his child was abusing, at various times, included alcohol, weed, cocaine, meth, heroin and other opioids she was buying on the street.
Lisa (names have been changed) was still living at home, with her own private bedroom in the basement of the family home. She was allowed to come and go as she pleased—with a private entrance that led directly to her living space. Unable to hold a job for very long because of her addiction, Lisa was on disability income assistance and was not being asked to pay rent or to contribute to food, hydro or any other expenses in the home. Her mother and father both had outside jobs, yet along with Lisa’s siblings they took care of all the household chores such as the shopping and cooking, the laundry and the cleaning, and the yard work—while Lisa ‘partied’ at night and slept most of the day. All of the money she received from the government went to satisfying her own needs—including her need and desire for drugs.
Lisa’s behaviour was erratic—some days she was loving and warm—great to be around. At other times, she could be moody and cranky—not only verbally abusive with her parents and siblings, but also physically threatening by throwing things at others around her. She talked about killing herself frequently, especially when she was about to hear a No when she wanted to hear a Yes.
From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care
Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!
Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.