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LoveWithBoundaries

New Year’s Resolutions? Try Intentions Instead!

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New Year's Intentions

In the immortal words of John Lennon, another year is over and a new one’s just begun.

Isn’t it interesting how we, as a society, agree that this is the time to give ourselves and our lives a complete and total new makeover? We have decided that at this time of the year we will revisit the year we’re leaving behind, dissecting it to see what worked for us and what didn’t. And on top of that, we need to make sure that we meet all of our “resolutions” quickly and perfectly or else we have failed – no pressure there!

While there is nothing wrong with re-assessing yourself from time to time and exploring changes you would like to make, the problems come when you allow yourself to over-identify with the “hype” of the season. It is one thing to make the overblown and often unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that you think you should make at this time of year, and quite a different process to take stock of where you are, in present time, to see what you might like to be doing differently so that you can live your best life.

RESOLUTION vs. INTENTION

My dictionary defines resolution as “the action of solving.” It stands to reason, therefore, that if we are looking at making resolutions, we will be focusing on problems in our lives that need to be solved. We will be looking at what we think is “wrong” with us and how to “fix” ourselves. Common examples of resolutions might be losing weight or going to the gym more often because we see ourselves as being too heavy. Whatever our resolutions are, the perception will be that something is wrong with us and we need to fix it.

An intention is different. My dictionary defines intention as “the determination to act in a certain way”. This has nothing to do with seeing yourself as a problem that needs to be resolved; instead, intentions are about becoming aware of different ways that you would prefer to be in your life. Some examples of an intention might be to become more patient with the people in your life, to treat others with more kindness, or to feel like you’re making a positive difference in the world.

In my experience, most New Year’s Resolutions stem from problems that people think they need to solve about themselves. Most commonly, these resolutions are often about decreasing “addictive behaviours” such as alcohol and/or drug use, over-eating (or under-eating), smoking, over-spending, gambling, spending too much time on the internet, or being in relationships that are not healthy

It is important to understand that addictive behaviours are generally used to avoid facing what is really going on in our lives. In order to avoid a variety of life tasks, or to avoid having to experience their true feelings, many people create destructive and self- sabotaging distractions for themselves. If you think this may be the case in your life, you might want to try doing something different this year.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT YOURSELF?

This year, instead of looking at something about yourself that you need to fix or improve, why not explore how you would prefer to feel about yourself? For example, if quitting smoking is something you would really like to do in 2020, focusing on the increased self-respect you will feel when you accomplish this may be more helpful than shaming yourself into it by telling yourself that you “should” quit or how weak you are for continuing to smoke.

In the same way, ask yourself how you feel about yourself when you consistently distract yourself by drinking too much, or by over-eating, over-spending or staying in a relationship that is emotionally or physically abusive for you. Would those inner feelings change if you were to begin taking better care of yourself? How can you best honour and respect yourself? What do you need to do (or not do) to feel that sense of inner peace and self- respect, and how can you translate that into an intention for self-caring change?

IT CAN HELP TO TALK IT OVER

Becoming aware of how you would like to feel about yourself and beginning to make your changes from that place will help you to be more realistic when deciding upon your intentions. This self-awareness will also give you more incentive to actually follow through on the steps you will need to take to reach your goals. You may well find that this kind of inner change brings your intentions to fruition more swiftly than trying to “fix” yourself from the outside in.

When you are on the threshold of inner changes, it can be useful to talk about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive friend, family member, colleague, or perhaps with a skilled professional who can help you make sense of what is going on inside of you. Remember to be gentle with yourself, as you are more likely to make your intended changes when you stop shaming and guilt-tripping yourself.

Addicted to Christmas Chaos? Taming the Madness this Holiday Season

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Addicted to Christmas Chaos: Taming the Madness this Holiday Season

Has anyone else noticed how early the Christmas chaos began this year?

I recall a few years ago here in Vancouver, a number of people became so disgruntled by the early onset of Christmas music in some of the stores—in the middle of October—that they took to Facebook en masse and complained. One store in particular, Shoppers Drug Mart, appeased the naysayers by stopping that music, but only after they drew their line in the sand, assuring us that the carols would resume again at the end of October. And they did.

ANXIETY FOR ADDICTS

Even before Halloween came and went, I noticed that several of my clients were already becoming quite antsy about the upcoming holiday season—for a variety of reasons. People who struggle with addictive behaviours—anything from drugs and alcohol to eating disorders, gambling, sex addiction, or relationship addiction—wondered if they would be able to maintain their sobriety when they began to actually feel the loneliness, fear, and isolation that they had used these behaviours and substances to avoid experiencing.

Those who have problems with compulsive overspending worried that they would max out their credit cards in short order when they went online or to the mall to do their mandatory Christmas shopping, while anorexics and bulimics worried endlessly about the food they would be expected to consume during seasonal festivities.

ANXIETY FOR LOVED ONES OF ADDICTS

As well, people who are loved ones of those struggling with addictions seemed to feel equally pressured, although the source of the stress was a bit different for them. For example, they frequently found themselves overwhelmed with difficult decisions such as “Should I invite the addict in my life to our Christmas gathering?” and “What if I try to set some boundaries and my addicted loved one becomes angry with me?”

The fear of conflict and, even worse, of actual confrontation can quite often keep people stuck in dysfunctional relationships for a very long time.

And because many loved ones have a pattern of putting their own needs on the back burner and trying to make things go smoothly for everybody, they routinely find themselves mired in their own personal versions of perfectionism. The source of their stress becomes issues like “How can I make this season wonderful for everyone else?”  And, more often than not, that becomes their own addictive behaviour.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

SOME HELPFUL STRATEGIES

Whether you’re reading this as an addict longing to be clean and sober, or you’re already in recovery for your particular addiction(s), or you’re the loved one of someone addicted to a substance or behaviour, here are some tips you can follow for making this season a little easier for yourself.

Tip #1 – Lower Your Standards

The Christmas holiday season has become a set-up for chaos. Think about it—jingly bells and familiar carols blaring weeks—sometimes months—before the actual day, decorations designed to entice you into ‘the spirit,’ plenty of well-marketed merchandise on hand so that you can oh-so-easily part with your money—not to mention all the ads on TV showing loving families that always seem to give each other the very best hugs and presents ever.

Is there no end to the commercialism and the rose-coloured glasses we are expected to wear throughout November and December?

We are completely encouraged to believe that we can all have the perfect holiday if we only try hard enough, buy enough, and put up the very best Christmas lights of any house on the block. As I said, it’s a set-up.

In order to survive this season intact, the first thing you need to do is lower the bar and keep your expectations realistic—especially if you’re a perfectionist. Having your expectations up there in the stratosphere can only be a recipe for disappointment. Although it’s good to have a plan, it’s also important to understand and accept that your well-intentioned blueprint might end up changing. Try to relax and see if you can let life unfold as it’s going to. And perhaps most importantly, you’ll need to use your sense of humour—with yourself and with others—when some of your well-laid plans inevitably go awry.

Tip #2 – Be Aware of What You’re Buying Into

The happiness and joy we’re supposed to feel in this holiday season don’t come to us through a credit card. Of course, this is entirely contrary to all the hype and crazy messages we receive at this time of year to buy-buy-buy. In fact, we are led to believe, day in and day out, that the only way we can be fulfilled in our relationships is if we give and receive the perfect, store-bought gifts and some Hallmark cards to go with them.

In my family growing up, there was always a big lead-up to opening presents and how wonderful that was going to be. Because my family was quite dysfunctional in a number of ways, that positive glow didn’t last very long. Once the cards were opened and the gifts were exchanged, we all went right back to going our separate ways—the warm, loving family moment lasted for about twenty minutes if we were lucky.

I wish someone had taught me then that being more realistic about my expectations would have actually brought me more ongoing emotional ease than the fantasy of the Leave-It-To-Beaver family—the one I didn’t have—ever could.

Seeing reality as it is gives us more of a chance of remaining holistically healthy and resilient during this time of Christmas madness. The best way to do this is to explore your own values and priorities so that you can decide—sometimes moment-by-moment—what is truly important to you.

You’ll begin to see that it’s not really about what you’re going to buy—it’s actually about what you’re choosing to buy into.

Tip #3 – Take Good Care of Yourself

Self-care at Christmas

There are so many things to do at this time of year—especially if you’re busy with families, children, and jobs. There are trees to decorate or menorahs to set up. There are festive cards to write and mail out. There are parties, and bake sales, crafts tables to make items for, and lunches or dinners with people you usually don’t see at any other time of year. There are special events at churches and synagogues, and there are special outfits to purchase for these functions, not to mention the gifts most of us buy for family and friends. There just seems to be no end to all of it—bop till you drop.

So ask yourself—Are there any ways I can reorganize? Can I delegate some of these tasks associated with the holidays? Do I have to be all things to all people?

There is a wonderful saying known as K-I-S-S, which seems to have originated in 12-Step programs: “Keep It Simple, Sweetie.” This is a great suggestion for life in general, and perhaps most especially at this time of year. Even with a lot on your plate, how can you keep it simple for yourself so that you don’t have to feel completely overwhelmed?

Many people who are in recovery from addictions have heard of the acronym H-A-L-T, which provides a wonderful template for self-care. It stands for “hungry-angry-lonely-tired.” When you find yourself feeling just a bit off but you don’t really know why, try asking yourself the following questions:

  • What do I need to do for myself in this moment?
  • Am I hungry? Is my blood sugar low? Do I need to give myself a snack or a good meal?
  • Am I angry—or perhaps hurt, sad, or confused? Is there an unresolved emotional issue that I need to deal with? Would it help for me to talk to someone about how I’m feeling?
  • Am I lonely? Has it been a while since I’ve seen or talked with my close friends? Do I need to set up a weekly romantic date with my partner or a play-date with my BFF? Maybe I could speak with a professional counsellor if my loneliness has been going on for a while?
  • Am I tired? Do I need a nap? Am I getting enough good sleep at night? Would a warm bubble bath or a soothing cup of chamomile tea before bedtime relax me? Do I perhaps need to consult with my doctor if I’m not sleeping well on a regular basis?

In recent years, Addiction to Christmas Chaos has become a widespread phenomenon—it happens in many countries the world over, often starting prematurely in October. Business owners and shopkeepers can hardly contain their excitement, as visions of wallets wide open and credit cards screaming to be swiped dance in their heads.

When you find you’re beginning to lose yourself in the Christmas Madness this year, you might want to try something different: keep your expectations realistic, be aware of what you’re choosing to buy into and, above all, take the best care of yourself that you can.

I wish you all a Holistically Happy and Healthy Holiday!

A New Way to Understand Addiction

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A New Way to Understand Addiction

There are many schools of thought about addiction and what it really is. Some people consider it to be a physical disease, while others credit genetic predisposition while also addressing the nature/nurture paradigm.

Even if some or all ring true for each of us, what I know to be true—as an addict in recovery for nearly 33 years, as a loved one of addicts, and as a professional addiction therapist for three decades—is that underneath all of this, staying in active addiction is a choice. And it’s a choice that is much easier to maintain when there is someone enabling the addiction to continue.

Understanding Addiction

When faced with addiction in the family, it may be necessary to understand some of the ways addiction can manifest, as this kind of clarity will make it easier for you to improve your own situation.

Due to the fact that addiction is either mind-altering or mood-altering (and in some cases, both), people in the throes of active addiction are typically not able to be present physically or emotionally in their relationships. Their main focus is on getting their next fix, whatever that may be. Because in virtually every instance, the addicted person will use their addictive behaviour of choice to run away from his or her real—and often difficult—feelings.

Why People Engage in Addictive Behaviours

Nearly all addictions and negative behaviours—including codependency—start with fear. All of us have certain behaviours that we use when we are fearful of facing our physical, emotional, or spiritual pain. If you love an addict, you likely have adopted a pattern of avoidance to deal with the horrible feeling of losing control over your own life.

With an addicted loved one in your life, you may behave in ways that are not helpful when you are facing a challenging situation. This is typically followed by making excuses for behaving in ways that aren’t beneficial—what I like to call arguing for your limitations—rather than owning your part in keeping the dysfunctional dynamic going.

Fear is such a huge part of the addictive process that there are, in fact, three acronyms for it—and most addicts and loved ones fall into at least one of these categories.  #1 and #2 below are usually old patterns that originate from a desire to not have to feel the feelings.  Acronym #3 is the healthiest way of dealing with any painful situation—it is what addicts and loved ones need to aspire to, in order to shift into new ways of responding to life.

F-E-A-R #1 = Forget Everything and Run!

No matter what type of addictive behaviour people choose, it will primarily be used to change what they’re feeling. In the first example of F-E-A-R, when life becomes overwhelming, people will do whatever they can to avoid facing their reality. In this case, fear means Forget Everything and Run!

Most of the time, people use addictions to feel better or to try to become happier. Sometimes, however, those same addictions can be used to sabotage good feelings—especially when people mistakenly believe they don’t deserve happiness. Either way, the goal of addictive behaviours is to alter one’s emotional state.

Do you recognize this in yourself as well? Do you hide from your life when you feel overwhelmed by your situation—or perhaps when things are going well and you feel too good?

F-E-A-R #2 = False Evidence Appearing Real

When people sabotage themselves, they are usually under the misconception that they somehow don’t deserve to have a good life. They may even start to believe that nothing good ever happens to them, or become convinced that something negative is waiting for them just around the corner. More often than not, these faulty core beliefs begin in childhood, especially if there was addiction, domestic violence of some sort, or other dysfunctional dynamics going on in the home as they were growing up.

This is neither a realistic nor healthy way to look at life, because we all experience good and bad. When people live with the kind of fear that tells them they only deserve the bad things in life, they are trying to convince themselves that this ‘false evidence’ is actually real, because this is what their faulty belief system tells them.

So, if your default way of thinking is that life is unfair, nothing good ever happens to you, that you’re all alone in the world and can’t trust anyone, that you’re unlovable, or maybe even that you deserve to be unhappy, you’re living in this type of fear. And the good news is that you can change this!

F-E-A-R #3 = Face Everything and Recover

The way to change your faulty core beliefs is to face everything and recover. You can make the choice to use your challenges as springboards toward exactly that. If you’re ready to face reality as it is, and look for things to become even better, it will be possible for you to make different life choices.

You can learn why you’ve been engaging in addictive behaviours such as codependency and enabling—which are only adding to the chaos you are already experiencing with your addicted loved one. Only you can make the changes necessary to live with more integrity and increased self-respect.

What Is Addiction, Really?

Because there are different ways of thinking about what addiction is, how it is caused, and what can be done about it, this can create some confusion for those trying to recover.  But even though these philosophies appear to be different, they can also overlap.

One theory when it comes to mood-altering addictions such as smoking, compulsive overspending, disordered eating, gambling, or codependency in relationships, is that these behaviours were role-modeled for children as they were growing up. Some children learned to use these actions quite early in their lives and unwittingly brought them into adulthood.

Some people also believe that there is a chemical sensitivity to mind-altering substances—similar to an allergy—causing people to change distinctly when they use it. For example, when imbibing alcohol, a person with an “allergy” to that substance might change from a pleasant, fun-loving guy to an angry rageaholic—or vice versa. An “allergic” reaction for someone addicted to marijuana might be to become paranoid and highly anxious after smoking it.

Regardless of the addiction and how it manifests, addictive behaviours are likely to progress and become even worse over time when the appropriate help is not forthcoming.

Addiction as a Choice

Whether addiction is considered to be a disease, the result of genetics, a product of socialization or environment, or a chemical sensitivity, when a person engages in an addictive behaviour, it ultimately stems from a personal choice to do so. As I’ve mentioned, this decision is generally made in order to change difficult feelings, but since it is a choice to react to life in this way, it is possible to make a different decision. If this weren’t true, millions of people who believe in the disease model or any of the other substructures would not have been able to recover when they made the decision to stop engaging in their addiction.

When it comes to recovery, all addicts ultimately have a choice: they can either continue to use their addiction or they can stop. It really is that simple. But simple doesn’t always mean easy—and that’s what stops a lot of addicts and loved ones from being on that healthier journey.

Because once you choose to stop, the deeper work begins—so please be gentle with yourself as you embark on your self-discovery—and remember to reach out for help when you need it.

What Is Codependency?

When the word “codependency” first came into being in the 1930s, it was used to define the loved ones of alcoholics who would drink along with their alcohol-dependent partners, in order to spend time with them and know where they were when they were not at home. Bill Wilson—the founder of AA—and his wife, Lois, are prime examples of that dynamic.  But over the years the meaning of the word has shifted to mean more than that.

In today’s language, people act in codependent ways when they put others’ needs ahead of their own on a fairly consistent basis. Most loved ones of people with addictions are codependent within those relationships, and sometimes in other relationships as well.  With their addicts, they do things like offer money, allow them to stay in the family home while they’re using and behaving badly in other ways, and do things for them that they could—and basically should—be doing for themselves. The bar is set very low for these addicts, often for a very long time. For the loved one, the choice to respond to the addict in this way is usually mired in a desire to avoid any and all conflict. As a result, loved ones are actually really meeting their own emotional needs—even though they sincerely do want to be able to help the addicts they so dearly love.

If you believe you are acting in codependent ways with your addicted loved one, you will have your own choice point to consider: Will you continue to hope that the addict’s negative behaviours will just go away, or will you be willing to continue doing your inner work so that you can find out why you have such a fear of and aversion to conflict?

Please remember that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Addiction is a progressive condition that does not just get better over time without positive, appropriate help.

The only way to truly bring an addiction under control is to discover what caused it in the first place. This is true for addicts and enablers alike. Counselling, rehabs, and support groups can all help with that.

If you are codependent in the ways you’re showing love to your addict, you’ll need to take 100% responsibility for your own recovery from addictive behaviours so that you can reclaim your integrity and self-respect.  When you are willing to come out of your own comfort zone, you can then assist the addict you love to come out of theirs.

An enabled addict does not recover. There is now assistance for loved ones who know they need to shift the way they’re dealing with their addicts—please don’t hesitate to reach out for the help you need. Your family will ultimately thank you for it!

The Law of Attraction: Help for Addiction Recovery

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Law of Attraction Help for Addiction Recovery

I have come to realize that most people – myself included sometimes – generally go through their days from beginning to end with no real plan, focus, or intention. They usually know the basics of what’s going to happen: wake up, groggily get ready for the day in terms of hygiene and breakfast, dress themselves in something appropriate, and head out the door for work or school.

Then, when they get to their destination, it’s usually same-old same-old. They see the same people, do the same kinds of tasks they did yesterday, think the same thoughts, feel the same feelings – sometimes just waiting until they can go home and do more same-old same-old, such as changing into more comfy clothes, throwing a meal together, exchanging some words with their partners and families, and then turning on the TV until they go to bed and try to fall asleep – only to awaken the next day to virtually the same routines.

Many people basically sleepwalk through their lives, and wonder why time is either flying by or dragging along – or a combination of both.

But life doesn’t have to be that way, and neither do you. There’s another way to do things and other tools that can assist you to live your best life.

About a year ago, I was reintroduced to the Law of Attraction. I say ‘reintroduced’ because the first time I heard about it, I was in very early recovery from addiction and just trying to keep my head above water. Although the teachings resonated with me, I didn’t pay it much attention at that time in my life. But now, things are very different for me – I recently celebrated 32 years clean and sober, and my life is amazing compared to what it was like when I was in active addiction. I understand now how things can radically change for the better for people who are in recovery – and especially for those of us who are using this Law to our own advantage.

The Law of Attraction is similar to the Law of Gravity. We all know about gravity, and we recognize that we are powerless over it – even while some people try very hard to oppose it in a variety of ways. Gravity has a mind of its own, and there’s really no way we can change it. The Law of Gravity basically tells us that what goes up, must also come down. If I hold something in my hand – let’s say a pen – and I decide that when I let go of that pen I want it to stay up in the air, as soon as I open my hand that pen will drop to the floor. And there isn’t anything I, or any of us, can do about that.

The Law of Attraction is quite similar. Its message to us is “That which is liken to itself is drawn” – or in simpler terms, like attracts like, whether we want that or not. And because, like gravity, it is a Universal Law, it will be true whether we accept it or believe it or we don’t. I like knowing that, because it makes my choice easier – I choose to accept the truth of this and live my life in accordance to it.

And, as the poet Robert Frost so simply said, that has made all the difference.

How the Law of Attraction Responds to Our Thinking

The easiest way to understand and practice the Law of Attraction is through our thoughts. When we begin to care about how we feel inside and can make the very important connection between our thoughts and our emotions, we then have access to an inner guidance that ultimately leads us through our lives. We can live with intention, or we can go through our lives feeling pretty disconnected from ourselves.

The irony, of course, is that when we feel disconnected we usually aren’t aware of that – exactly because we are in the midst of the disconnect. The essence of what we’re thinking about – positive or negative – will be reflected back to us in some way – that’s just how it is.

If we don’t like how we’re feeling inside, all we have to do is focus on something that makes us feel better. Understanding and using the Law of Attraction intentionally can bring us back to ourselves.

Just as with many other aspects of our lives, practicing the teachings of the Law of Attraction is really very simple – but not always easy.

As many of us know, one of the most extreme ways to become disconnected is through addiction. Most people hold on tightly to their addictive behaviours because they think that indulging in them will make them feel better. Ultimately, most of us do whatever we’re doing because we think – and hope – it will make us feel better. We are just trying to escape from a reality we don’t prefer – and we think that getting high or drunk or feeling some other kind of adrenaline rush on a continual basis will prevent us from having to actually face the reality that life has become an ongoing disappointment. This is a horrible, hopeless way to live, and yet far more common than most people realize.

I know, because for many years that is exactly how I lived.

When we finally understand that like really does attract like, we can begin to see what we’ve created in our lives. This is a hard concept for some to understand, as it takes away the very tempting concept of blame. Yes, it’s true that many of us have been through very hard times – I know I have and I know that many of you who are reading this have as well. And although I don’t pretend to understand the scientific explanation of either gravity or the Law of Attraction, what I do know is that the time came when I had to stop blaming and holding other people accountable for the hurt they had created in my life. Yes, the abuse was real, and yes it came from outside myself – I didn’t intentionally seek out people who would hurt me. But when I began to understand that like attracts like, I knew that I too had a part to play in what happened to me.

And even though I could do absolutely nothing to change my past – it happened – I understood that I wasn’t living in that past anymore. I began to care more about my present and future, looking forward instead of backward, and I started using the Law of Attraction as a discipline that could give me the life I truly wanted.

It didn’t take long for me to see results. I began to feel very different inside, much more positive. This glass-half-empty gal started to see that glass as even more than half-full. So many things have changed for me – my physical health has improved, my work with clients has become more creative and successful, I have relationships with people who actually matter to me. And even on days when I felt those familiar states of depression, sadness, or isolation, I knew I could do something about it – I actually did have some control over that. Thankfully, it didn’t involve my having to get high or drunk! All I had to do was focus my thoughts on something else that felt better – and then my emotional state would also change for the better.

Addiction is horrific, in any modality. In some cases – more now than ever – addiction is ruining lives and actually killing large numbers of people. Using substances and behaviours to take us away from unpleasant realities is only one way to live our lives, and it’s a choice that so many people make just to ‘get away from it all.’ But addiction can’t be the long-term answer, because eventually (and often much sooner than later) it takes over our lives and then we find ourselves in a far worse place than just simply not liking our reality.

Law of Attraction Help with Addiction Recovery

You May Say I’m a Dreamer…

I’m aware that what I’m suggesting here will resonate with some people, while others might think I’ve lost my mind. All I can do is share my experience, strength and hope in the best way I know how.

There is a way to come out of the struggle and the suffering of addiction – and changing the way you think will definitely help.

If you’re in active addiction or perhaps in early recovery and you’re reading this, then you’re looking for answers. I know this method can work. It isn’t magic – it’s a discipline, because most of us (especially those of us who have chosen addiction) have been thinking negatively all of our lives. That won’t change overnight, but if you stay with it and really give it your best, then you will experience the same kinds of results that thousands of people already have. I wish I’d practiced this way of being long ago – my life could have been much different far earlier. But instead of focusing on that, I’m really appreciative of knowing and understanding this Law now.

Maybe you won’t have to wait as long as I did. And since you really have nothing to lose – isn’t it worth a shot?

If you’re looking for a new perspective on life, just start reading about the Law of Attraction, or listen to some recordings on YouTube. Do your best to keep an open mind, as some of the teachings may at first be a little difficult to wrap your head around. But if they resonate for you – if they begin to help you make sense of the confusion and negativity you’ve been feeling, perhaps for a long time – then read and listen some more. If you want to change how you see life, just focus on how you feel inside. Use your emotions as your guide to become happier and to have the life you actually want, addiction-free.

A much more enjoyable time is waiting for you. I invite you to dream along with me – that’s the best way to begin!

This article was first published on Recovery.org.

“Should I Stay or Should I Go?” The Dilemma of Addiction

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In the early 1980s, a musical group called The Clash released a song whose title went on to become almost an anthem for many people in a variety of situations. The song was called “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” and it truly sums up the multitude of dilemmas that people experience in life.

Today we will be looking at how this simple question presents itself when focusing on addiction – both for the addicts and for their loved ones.

Is Addiction Actually a Disease?

As many of you know, I am an addict. I have been in active recovery for the last 32 years, with no relapses and no time off for good behavior. I have also been working as an Addiction Therapist exclusively with addicts and their families for approximately 27 years – and I am the loved one of addicts, so I know addiction from all different angles. As a result, I have moved away from believing that addiction is a disease – also known as the “medical model,” which is espoused by the 12-Step programs I attended for many years (such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, CODA, and Al-Anon), and still widely believed by a variety of addiction doctors.

The people who believe in the medical model also call addiction a “brain disease” – perhaps an apt description because all addictive behaviors affect our brain chemistry, especially mind-altering addictions like alcohol or drugs. But I also know that if I raise my little pinky and move it up or down, there is brain involvement in that too. That’s how we’re wired as human beings – there is brain involvement in everything we do.

I have difficulty seeing addiction as a disease for two simple reasons:

1.   I have a medical disease. Diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 1973, I was told that it is incurable and that I’d have it my whole life. Although this has basically been true, after many years of being in active recovery from addiction and learning how to take really good care of myself, I’m happy to say that some days I forget I have Crohn’s – that’s how much better it is much of the time.

But I can’t just say to myself “I think I won’t have Crohn’s anymore.” People with medical diseases like cancer, diabetes, and many others can’t just decide not to have them anymore. It doesn’t work that way.

However, as I found out early into my recovery, we can do that with addiction.

2.   In my considerable experience in working with those struggling with addiction, what I know to be true is that when we tell an addict they have a “disease,” we generally get one of two responses. One response is that they say, usually with a lot of aggressive and arrogant attitude, “I have a disease, I can’t help it – get out of my face and leave me alone!” The other is that they say basically the same thing, but in a much more whiny tone of voice displaying much more of a victim mentality: “I have a disease, I can’t help it, stop bothering me.”

Either way, they feel like they are giving up all their personal power and have no other choice than to continue the addiction.

Contrary to the belief that we are “powerless over our addiction” – which is what we are told in Step 1 of the 12 Steps, I see it differently and have for a long time: I see addiction as a choice. Let me explain what I mean.

I don’t think that anyone chooses to become an addict – I know I didn’t. In fact, most people think they can handle whatever addictive behavior they are regularly using. “It’s not me who will become addicted,” they convince themselves, “because I’m special and unique.” They believe it’s the other guy who’ll have a problem – not themselves. That is, until they find themselves floundering right in the middle of that very insidious problem.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Like the caterpillar who intuitively knows it must change into that spectacular butterfly or die, there comes a point in every addict’s life when they know that there is something very wrong in their lives. They see other people living what they consider to be better, more productive, more successful lives than the ones they, as addicts in active addiction, are living. They know their relationships are suffering, their health issues are getting worse, they can’t hold down a job – and can’t seem to go a day without using the addictive behavior, even though in some cases it could very easily kill them.

It is when that realization strikes, that the addict is in the throes of making a choice. Am I going to stay in active addiction and feel awful about myself, or am I going to shift into active recovery and develop some self-respect? That is the choice point. Do I stay or do I go?

The good news and the bad news are the same: no one else can make that decision for an addict.

The Same is True for Loved Ones of Addicts

Family and other loved ones of people struggling with addiction are essentially in the same boat as the addict. Many loved ones “enable” the addicts they love because they don’t know what else to do. They often feel like they’ve tried everything – to no avail – and they don’t have a clue what to try next.

If you’re the loved one of an addict, there will come a time in your life when you know that what you’ve been doing isn’t working. In the midst of your frustration, anger, fear and resentment, you may wonder whether you even want to continue being in relationship with them at all – or if it’s best to just cut them off. This kind of decision is extremely difficult and often heartbreaking for families – and it usually presents itself after all other avenues they can think of have been tried.

What generally happens for most loved ones, early on, is that they begin to work harder than their addict is working – trying to make things better just so that this nightmare will end. But what they don’t understand is that, as they enable the addict, they actually contribute to the addiction continuing.

Learning how to set and maintain self-respectful boundaries is the best thing families can do when dealing with an addicted person – that kind of “helping” (instead of enabling) is what assists the addiction to stop. But until families learn this – and how to actually do this – they keep trying to change and control people and situations that they simply can’t change or control.

Think about it: if loved ones could control their addicts, they would be doing that already. Instead, they waste a lot of their precious energy until their own vitally important self-care becomes depleted. That is generally the time when they begin to ask themselves – in response to their relationships with the addicts they so dearly love – “Should I stay or should I go?”

Remaining in any kind of active addiction, whether to drugs, alcohol, or to another person, is never a good idea. Poisoning ourselves with toxic substances, or hurting ourselves with other addictive behaviors such as overspending, internet addiction, gaming, sex addiction, disordered eating, or codependency is never a healthy, self-respecting choice.

And enabling an addict – contributing to keeping the addiction going – is NEVER a loving act.

Whether as an addict still entrenched in addiction or as the loved one of someone struggling with this issue, when asking yourself “Should I stay or should I go?” it is important to remember that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. However the choice point shows up in your life, if you’ll be doing what needs to be done in order for you and those you love to be healthy, then that is the gauge you’ll want to follow.

And if you’re not sure how to follow a different and better path – whether as an addict or a loved one – please be sure to find a professional like myself who can help you through this process.

Asking yourself “Should I stay or should I go?” could ultimately be the best question you could pose to yourself – it shows that you’re tired of the same-old, same-old actions you’ve been doing and that you want a change. Be sure to listen to your inner answer carefully and to take action in as positive a way as you can – and as soon as you can.

This article was first published on Recovery.org.