We wanted to offer a thought-provoking analogy, if you love an addict. See if it fits for you.
The “big rocks” analogy was created by the late Steven Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The analogy relates well to being a loved one of a person struggling with addiction because our time, energy and resources often go to helping the person we love. Imagine having these supplies on your kitchen counter:
- A jar
- Some big rocks (e.g. the size of an egg)
- Some pebbles
- Sand
If you filled the empty jar with sand and water, there would be no room for the bigger rocks and pebbles—the priorities in your life, such as values, health, relationships and faith.
Here’s a bit more about the analogy:
- The Jar: The jar represents your time or capacity.
- Big Rocks: Represent your most important values, goals, projects or tasks that are essential for long-term well-being and success.
- Small Rocks or Pebbles: Represent your day-to-day responsibilities and short-term tasks.
- Sand: Symbolizes minor tasks or responsibilities of lesser importance.
By highlighting your most important responsibilities, tasks, and priorities (the big rocks), you can take care of yourself first and ensure you can achieve your desired state of well-being, ongoing resilience, and long-term goals.
As the loved one of an addict, it truly is appropriate for you to look after yourself first and then give to others once you are filled up. When you give so much to those around you without first giving to yourself, you run the risk of hurting them—through “enabling”—more than you’re helping.
All of us need to feel our own resilience—it’s an important human need. When you decide to give more than is healthy, you often take those feelings of resiliency away from others. They may want you to do everything for them, but that’s not helpful for you or the addict you love. When you work harder than they do continually, you take away their belief in themselves, and they begin to exhibit a form of “learned helplessness.”
This is a lose-lose situation. Not only are you neglecting your own needs, but you are also enabling the addict to remain stuck in their addiction.
Take a moment to journal about some of the following questions:
- What are my “big rock” goals and dreams at this point in my life?
- What’s one small step I can take for my own self-care? (This could be anything from going to bed earlier to cutting back on junk food.)
- What have I put aside due to the chaos of addiction? Can I make it a priority again?
- What self-care practice can I incorporate into my daily life? (For example, meditation, a walk in nature, listening to my favourite music, or journaling.)
It’s never too late to practice healthy self-care and to make yourself a priority. If you’re already doing this, please don’t stop—maybe add even more to what you’re doing. If you’re just starting out, the magic word is: ENJOY! Be the role model of what this looks like, and maybe others in your life will decide to follow your lead.
Instead of resenting others for needing too much from you, allow yourself to be that change you want to see—and to have a little more fun in your life!
Every step you take in support of your own well-being is a step you take toward helping the people you love.
If you want to learn more about the importance of self-care, the difference between “helping” and “enabling”, how to set healthy boundaries with the addict you love, and so much more, consider the Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Online Course launching this summer. Find more information here, and register to be the first to know when registration is open.