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LoveWithBoundaries

From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

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Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Bailey’s to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?

From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

by

Valentine’s Day

Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Bailey’s to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?

Addicted to Christmas Chaos? Taming the Madness this Holiday Season

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First published on December 14, 2012.

Christmas chaos

Has anyone else noticed how early the Christmas chaos began this year?

I recall a few years ago here in Vancouver, a number of people became so disgruntled by the early onset of Christmas music in some of the stores—in the middle of October—that they took to Facebook en masse and complained. One store in particular, Shoppers Drug Mart, appeased the naysayers by stopping that music, but only after they drew their line in the sand, assuring us that the carols would resume again at the end of October. And they did.

ANXIETY FOR ADDICTS

Even before Halloween came and went, I noticed that several of my clients were already becoming quite antsy about the upcoming holiday season—for a variety of reasons. People who struggle with addictive behaviours—anything from drugs and alcohol to eating disorders, gambling, sex addiction, or relationship addiction—wondered if they would be able to maintain their sobriety when they began to actually feel the loneliness, fear, and isolation that they had used these behaviours and substances to avoid experiencing.

Those who have problems with compulsive overspending worried that they would max out their credit cards in short order when they went online or to the mall to do their mandatory Christmas shopping, while anorexics and bulimics worried endlessly about the food they would be expected to consume during seasonal festivities.

ANXIETY FOR LOVED ONES OF ADDICTS

As well, people who are loved ones of those struggling with addictions seemed to feel equally pressured, although the source of the stress was a bit different for them. For example, they frequently found themselves overwhelmed with difficult decisions such as “Should I invite the addict in my life to our Christmas gathering?” and “What if I try to set some boundaries and my addicted loved one becomes angry with me?”

The fear of conflict and, even worse, of actual confrontation can quite often keep people stuck in dysfunctional relationships for a very long time.

And because many loved ones have a pattern of putting their own needs on the back burner and trying to make things go smoothly for everybody, they routinely find themselves mired in their own personal versions of perfectionism. The source of their stress becomes issues like “How can I make this season wonderful for everyone else?” And, more often than not, that becomes their own addictive behaviour.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

SOME HELPFUL STRATEGIES

Whether you’re reading this as an addict longing to be clean and sober, or you’re already in recovery for your particular addiction(s), or you’re the loved one of someone addicted to a substance or behaviour, here are some tips you can follow for making this season a little easier for yourself.

Tip #1 – Lower Your Standards

The Christmas holiday season has become a set-up for chaos. Think about it—jingly bells and familiar carols blaring weeks—sometimes months—before the actual day, decorations designed to entice you into ‘the spirit,’ plenty of well-marketed merchandise on hand so that you can oh-so-easily part with your money—not to mention all the ads on TV showing loving families that always seem to give each other the very best hugs and presents ever.

Is there no end to the commercialism and the rose-coloured glasses we are expected to wear throughout November and December?

We are completely encouraged to believe that we can all have the perfect holiday if we only try hard enough, buy enough, and put up the very best Christmas lights of any house on the block. As I said, it’s a set-up.

In order to survive this season intact, the first thing you need to do is lower the bar and keep your expectations realistic—especially if you’re a perfectionist. Having your expectations up there in the stratosphere can only be a recipe for disappointment. Although it’s good to have a plan, it’s also important to understand and accept that your well-intentioned blueprint might end up changing. Try to relax and see if you can let life unfold as it’s going to. And perhaps most importantly, you’ll need to use your sense of humour—with yourself and with others—when some of your well-laid plans inevitably go awry.

Tip #2 – Be Aware of What You’re Buying Into

The happiness and joy we’re supposed to feel in this holiday season don’t come to us through a credit card. Of course, this is entirely contrary to all the hype and crazy messages we receive at this time of year to buy-buy-buy. In fact, we are led to believe, day in and day out, that the only way we can be fulfilled in our relationships is if we give and receive the perfect, store-bought gifts and some Hallmark cards to go with them.

In my family growing up, there was always a big lead-up to opening presents and how wonderful that was going to be. Because my family was quite dysfunctional in a number of ways, that positive glow didn’t last very long. Once the cards were opened and the gifts were exchanged, we all went right back to going our separate ways—the warm, loving family moment lasted for about twenty minutes if we were lucky.

I wish someone had taught me then that being more realistic about my expectations would have actually brought me more ongoing emotional ease than the fantasy of the Leave-It-To-Beaver family—the one I didn’t have—ever could.

Seeing reality as it is gives us more of a chance of remaining holistically healthy and resilient during this time of Christmas madness. The best way to do this is to explore your own values and priorities so that you can decide—sometimes moment-by-moment—what is truly important to you.

You’ll begin to see that it’s not really about what you’re going to buy—it’s actually about what you’re choosing to buy into.

Tip #3 – Take Good Care of Yourself

Self-Care

There are so many things to do at this time of year—especially if you’re busy with families, children, and jobs. There are trees to decorate or menorahs to set up. There are festive cards to write and mail out. There are parties, and bake sales, crafts tables to make items for, and lunches or dinners with people you usually don’t see at any other time of year. There are special events at churches and synagogues, and there are special outfits to purchase for these functions, not to mention the gifts most of us buy for family and friends. There just seems to be no end to all of it—bop till you drop.

So ask yourself—Are there any ways I can reorganize? Can I delegate some of these tasks associated with the holidays? Do I have to be all things to all people?

There is a wonderful saying known as K-I-S-S, which seems to have originated in 12-Step programs: “Keep It Simple, Sweetie.” This is a great suggestion for life in general, and perhaps most especially at this time of year. Even with a lot on your plate, how can you keep it simple for yourself so that you don’t have to feel completely overwhelmed?

Many people who are in recovery from addictions have heard of the acronym H-A-L-T, which provides a wonderful template for self-care. It stands for “hungry-angry-lonely-tired.” When you find yourself feeling just a bit off but you don’t really know why, try asking yourself the following questions:

  • What do I need to do for myself in this moment?
  • Am I hungry? Is my blood sugar low? Do I need to give myself a snack or a good meal?
  • Am I angry—or perhaps hurt, sad, or confused? Is there an unresolved emotional issue that I need to deal with? Would it help for me to talk to someone about how I’m feeling?
  • Am I lonely? Has it been a while since I’ve seen or talked with my close friends? Do I need to set up a weekly romantic date with my partner or a play-date with my BFF? Maybe I could speak with a professional counsellor if my loneliness has been going on for a while?
  • Am I tired? Do I need a nap? Am I getting enough good sleep at night? Would a warm bubble bath or a soothing cup of chamomile tea before bedtime relax me? Do I perhaps need to consult with my doctor if I’m not sleeping well on a regular basis?

In recent years, Addiction to Christmas Chaos has become a widespread phenomenon—it happens in many countries the world over, often starting prematurely in October. Business owners and shopkeepers can hardly contain their excitement, as visions of wallets wide open and credit cards screaming to be swiped dance in their heads.

When you find you’re beginning to lose yourself in the Christmas Madness this year, you might want to try something different: keep your expectations realistic, be aware of what you’re choosing to buy into and, above all, take the best care of yourself that you can.

I wish you all a Holistically Happy and Healthy Holiday!

New Year’s Resolutions?
Try Intentions Instead!

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Repost of article originally published December 2010.

In the immortal words of John Lennon, another year is over and a new one’s just begun.

Isn’t it interesting how we, as a society, agree that this is the time to give ourselves and our lives a complete and total new makeover? We have decided that at this time of the year we will revisit the year we’re leaving behind, dissecting it to see what worked for us and what didn’t. And on top of that, we need to make sure that we meet all of our “resolutions” quickly and perfectly or else we have failed – no pressure there!

While there is nothing wrong with re-assessing yourself from time to time and exploring changes you would like to make, the problems come when you allow yourself to over-identify with the “hype” of the season. It is one thing to make the overblown and often unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that you think you should make at this time of year, and quite a different process to take stock of where you are, in present time, to see what you might like to be doing differently so that you can live your best life. [Read more…]

Are You Trying to Solve the Unsolvable? The Best Way to Know the Difference

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Have you been busy trying to change what you cannot change?

Are you doing your best to control what you simply can’t control?

If so, please know—you’re not alone!

It’s strange but true—a great many people all over the world are continually trying to change something that is not in the realm of things they can change. When it’s drastic enough, we see it on the news—generally as some kind of violence toward somebody else. For most of us, however, this tendency goes relatively unnoticed—except perhaps by those you’re trying to mould into the way you think you need them to be. If you’re someone who believes that others need to be different in order for you to feel better, then you’re likely feeling hurt, frustrated, confused, and resentful much of the time. You probably feel as if your life is often spiralling out of control and you don’t know what to do about it.

The Amazing Serenity Prayer

During the many years I attended 12-Step programs for my own addictive behaviours, I heard the Serenity Prayer recited over and over again, quickly and by rote, at the end of every meeting without exception. Everyone had it memorized and we’d all just sing-song our way through it. But I became curious about what this prayer was really saying—what the message behind it actually was—so I began to look at it in some detail, line by line.

I discovered some very intriguing ideas: If we don’t feel serene or calm, we are not fully practicing the amazing guidance of this short but magnificent prayer. If you are the loved one of someone with an addiction, or perhaps an addict yourself, then serenity is not something you’ll have very much of. The roller coaster ride of addiction—however it’s manifesting and affecting you—is never fun or easy. And not only will you not have much, if any, serenity in your life, it will truly become something you’re wanting very much to attain.

To gain this peaceful serenity and resolve what we can about our situations, we first must be willing to accept what we can’t change. When we look deeply enough at what those things are, we realize that this means absolutely everything outside of ourselves: the weather, the past, how fast time is going, how temptingly delicious chocolate tastes—and most especially other people, who we simply cannot change unless they let us. And, of course, when it happens that way, it’s not really a case of us changing anyone else anyway!

Next we need to look at what we actually can control. After all of my years of wishing I could exert control over the world and pretty much everything in it, I finally had to admit that the only thing any of us can control is—drum roll—ourselves. What we can control and therefore change includes our thoughts, our feelings, our choices, and our reactions. We can solve problems that WE each have, but not the problems someone else has—because those are their responsibility to solve. [Read more…]