“Open the door and let me in!”
“I just need 20 bucks. I’ll pay you back, I promise!”
“I’ll start fresh again next week!”
As the loved one of a person struggling with addiction, it is sometimes difficult to know what to say or do in moments like these. We hear from our clients—loved ones of addicts—that they feel torn, pulled between wanting to help and not wanting to enable. They often say they don’t know the words to use in these conversations. They walk the line between not wanting to “set them off” or make matters worse, and wanting to help make the situation better.
At Love With Boundaries, we know that this line can be so hard to handle!
Family members and loved ones often find themselves in this situation during a loved one’s relapse. Reports tell us that relapse often happens within the first year of recovery, and this has been shown to be the case with many of our clients. Some studies indicate that the relapse rate can be as high as 85 per cent within the first year.
As a loved one, the first thing you need to understand is that you can’t “fix” the addict you love, despite how desperately you may wish to. Nor can you “make” the person get better or change. What you can do, however, is to place your own well-being, health, and self-respect at the top of the priority list. When you focus on what you can control and influence, you are indeed helping the addict you love.
Think about it this way: It’s hard to help someone become healthy when we are not in that state ourselves. It’s like that analogy that you can’t pour from an empty cup—or that you need to put on your own mask first before trying to help someone else with theirs.
When an addict or alcoholic returns from rehab to find that their relationships and home environment have not changed and that dysfunction remains, it greatly reduces the likelihood of them staying clean and sober from their addiction. However, when loved ones take the necessary steps to stop their enabling behaviours, they begin to understand the negative impacts of their actions. This is effective boundary setting in action and leads to healthy family dynamics.
Think of the boundary as a brick wall covered and cushioned with velvet. The brick wall represents a clear and strong boundary or limit set in a loving way. The velvet is the compassionate, considerate and respectful way we communicate and implement our boundaries through approaches like “I” messages, collaborative problem solving and explaining the impact of their behaviours. This helps the addict understand that their recovery is solely up to them, and ensures you are not working harder than they are. Instead of boundaries feeling rough, harsh and punitive, we can learn to make sure they are strong, clear, and compassionate.
Setting a boundary is like telling the addict you love that you will not join them in their false argument about their own limitations. They are not powerless. If they want a life free from their addiction, they will need to use that power to make healthier choices for themselves and learn coping strategies for life’s inevitable challenges that don’t involve a mind-altering substance or mood-altering behaviour.
Boundary setting and communication are part of the Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Online Course. Click the link for more information and to be among the first to know when registration opens.
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