38 Years. So hard to believe.

At that time, I was 37 years old, and life was very difficult for me. I was feeling depressed and suicidal, not knowing why I was on this planet. With great fear, I decided to reach out for help, which turned out to be the most important decision of my life.

Now 75 – a young 75 – and things are easier. Life isn’t always fantastic, I still have problems and things to deal with, but – most days – I understand myself a lot more, which makes life much better. Less chaos is one of the joys of recovery.

Just like with most addicts in early recovery, it was hard for me to even consider that I’d have to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life, every single day. How could that be?  So I made a deal with myself at 37 – I told myself that when I was 75, I could go down to the beach and smoke a joint whenever I wanted to. That had been one of my favourite things to do. The trouble is that I never expected to get to 75! I had it in my mind that I would be dead by about 45, so making that deal about “when I’m 75”, to rewrite a Beatles song for my life, seemed very doable. Except…

Here I am at 75. Hmmm, what’s a girl to do?  Going to the beach and smoking that joint still feels like a good time. But living my life with the self-respect that I’ve worked so hard for all these years, knowing myself well, life being easier – that still wins out for me. And doing the work I still do because I love it – as an addictions therapist, helping other people get clean and stay clean – I wouldn’t be able to do that if I were using again. I know I could never do that. Working with other addicts and their families definitely helps me stay clean and sober. Really, I’ve worked too hard to throw all of that away.

So… maybe I’ll see how I’m feeling when I’m 80 and about to celebrate 43 years clean. But I’ll tell you a secret – I hope I choose to stay in recovery then too!