M.S. asks: I have a relative I’m very close to. I already know he is not good at emotional regulation, and he talks loudly. I try to calm down, but if it’s a sensitive and hard subject, I feel like he’s yelling at me or telling me what to do. So I get worked up, and then both of us are emotionally unregulated. How can I bring myself down to a calmer state? This person is staying with me.
Hi M.S.,
He’s there 24/7, so that’s an interesting situation to be in. I think that you can tell your relative how you’re feeling about this. If you need to, do it in an email or a text. Be assertive with “I” statements, for example: I know, I feel, I understand, I need, I believe. Start with those instead of: “You keep doing this to me…”
What you say to your loved one—in whatever format you choose, “I really care about you, and I’m glad that you’re here…” or something similar that’s positive. “I need to let you know that sometimes when I’m with you and we’re talking, your voice gets really loud, and when that happens, I get triggered. I’m wondering whether we both could work on this so that maybe you can be aware of that for yourself and not raise your voice. I can be aware that you’re not really yelling at me, even though it feels like it, and I’ll try not to get triggered. I would love it if we could both work on that so we can have better communication because I care about you.”
I think what happens when we don’t say anything is we get even more triggered, and there’s resentment that starts to build. I think he needs to be made aware that this is happening in a loving way because he probably doesn’t mean to yell at you. Maybe nobody else has told him, and he has trouble in other relationships in his life because nobody wants to feel they are being yelled at. You’d be doing him a favour and resolving the issue for yourself at the same time. He has a choice to not raise his voice. He can do better. If you don’t hold him accountable for that behaviour and ask him to do better, chances are he probably won’t.
It’s a win-win for you to say something and then see what happens. If he doesn’t try to make it better, maybe you need to say it again or not have him around 24/7.
All my best,
Candace
