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LoveWithBoundaries

My husband and I are fighting about him enabling our son

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addiction recovery

From YJ:  My oldest son has just gotten his 2nd DUI and has been given a hefty fine. His car has also been impounded for 3 months. My husband, who is his major enabler, is ‘loaning’ him the money to pay the fine (even though we will probably never get it back) and has begun to drive him wherever he wants to go. I can’t believe this is happening! My husband and I are fighting about it constantly and I’m afraid we might end up in divorce court. Your book has been really great in helping me open my eyes about what not to do in situations like this. But how can I make him see that enabling our son won’t really be helping him?

Hi YJ,

The difficult reality is that we can’t “make” anyone see or do anything. This is language we all use from time to time – but because we live on a planet of free will, the truth is that we don’t – and actually can’t – control what another person chooses to do. So, unless your husband decides to see that enabling your son won’t be of any real “help” to him, he will likely continue to enable.

What I would suggest is that you see if you can have a calm conversation with your husband, where you explain your thoughts and feelings to him. See if he might be open to learning more about the difference between enabling and helping. Perhaps you can watch my TEDx talk together about how families often enable the addicts they love – and that this rarely, if ever, has a positive outcome for the family. After you’ve watched it together, maybe you can talk about some of the points I’ve brought up in it. (Here is the link for my TEDx talk.)

If your husband is going to choose to enable your son, you could speak your truth to him and let him know that this is no longer a dynamic you want to experience in your family. If you’re not sure how to do this or how to language the boundaries and consequences, this could be a good time for you to reach out for help for yourself – because even if your son decides to stay in active addiction and your husband chooses to continue to enable him, you can still find ways to live your own best life.

All my best,
Candace

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My girlfriend is a heroin addict, and it’s affecting our relationship

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addiction recovery

Mike T asks: My girlfriend is a heroin addict. It’s really affecting our relationship but I don’t want to leave her. I love her a lot and she needs me.

Hi Mike,

When someone is an addict, especially with mind-altering substances like heroin, they simply will not be able to be emotionally present with you. Your girlfriend’s addiction is going to take priority for her. This is why your relationship is being affected like that.

Loving someone sometimes means doing things that are difficult. When you say she needs you, consider this: she needs you to do what’s right for her – even when it’s hard for you. She needs you to tell her the truth and to set some healthy boundaries, all from a place of love, so that you’re not enabling her and are instead actually helping her to have a chance at recovery. When we enable addicts, we basically are contributing to their CHOICE to say in addiction. What we know to be true is that an enabled addict will not recover – because why should they?

All my best,
Candace

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How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely?

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addiction recovery

Penny C. asks: How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely? He doesn’t seem to want to do that.

Hi Penny,

The way it works is that if loved ones want to see changes in the addicts they love, they will need to make some changes within themselves first. (This is a process, and you may need to seek out some help with it.) So what you can say to him is “I don’t want to live with someone who drinks anymore. I would like our relationship to continue, and I’m hoping you’re ready to stop. I will no longer be supporting you, in any way, if you choose to stay in active addiction – but I will support you in the best ways I can when you choose to stop drinking and go into recovery.”

You’re saying that he doesn’t seem to want to stop. Please remember that we teach other people how to treat us. If he thinks you’re going to put up with his drinking, then what incentive would he have to want to stop a behaviour that he feels helps him get through life?

All my best,
Candace

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How do I know if my daughter is using?

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addiction recovery

JN asks: How do I know if my daughter is using? I think she is but she tells me she’s not. She lives with me so we go through this with each other fairly often.

Thanks for your question, JN.

It will depend on whether she’s using mind-altering substances or mood-altering behaviours (like gambling, shopping, etc.). And sometimes it’s harder to tell with drugs than with alcohol, because there is little or no smell with most of them. But if you’ve been in this situation for a while with your daughter, then you likely know her personality and her moods very well – and you may even have a gut reaction when you think that she’s using.

As loved ones of addicts, we need to learn to trust ourselves around this. One boundary you can set with her when she tells you she’s not high, and you know she is, could be something like “If I even THINK you’re using….” then setting the consequence, i.e. “You’ll have to spend the night elsewhere” or “I may be asking you to move out – because I love you and I don’t want to see you in active addiction anymore. And because I don’t want to live this way anymore and keep going through this with you.”

It’s best to not set a boundary until you’re ready to maintain it and follow through with it. But if your gut is telling you that she’s using, even if she says she’s not, please allow yourself to trust those instincts.

All my best,
Candace

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If my daughter leaves rehab, what do I do?

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addiction recovery

M.T. asks: My daughter is in rehab but is saying she might not stay. I’ve been paying her rent for a while and I’m continuing to do that while she’s there. If she leaves, what do I do?

Hi M.T.,

The main message here is that you will no longer support her addiction but you will support her recovery. If she leaves treatment against the advice of the staff there, then out of a place of love for her, you can tell her you will no longer be paying her rent. If you enable her in any way, what incentive will she have to do anything differently? She is at a choice point right now – and so are you. We know that if nothing changes, nothing changes – and if you continue to pay her rent (or enable her in any other ways) while she chooses active addiction, then you will actually be assisting her to make the choice to keep using her addiction of choice.

But – don’t set a boundary unless you’re willing to stick to it. When we set boundaries and then cave, the addicts we love just wait for us to keep doing that. Do your best to understand that you play a pivotal, important role here – and we need to love our addicts enough to do what’s right for them, even when it’s uncomfortable for us.

Good luck!
Candace

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