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LoveWithBoundaries

How likely is it someone will relapse if they have several years clean and sober?

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Ask Candace

M.R. asks: I’ve heard that relapse is a “normal” part of recovery. Is that true? How likely is it that someone will relapse if they have several years clean and sober?

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Hi M.R.,

It’s more unlikely that people with a number of consecutive years in recovery will relapse, compared with people who are in early recovery and have a year or less clean and sober. That’s because the longer a person remains abstinent from the mind-altering substances or mood-altering behaviours that they used before to not have to deal with life, the more experience they develop to take the ups and downs of life in stride.

That said, what really matters here is not the quantity of time spent in recovery. What matters is the quality of that time. Recovering addicts need to learn how to take care of themselves in healthier ways – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This needs to be a daily, ongoing, holistic practice. As an addict in recovery with 35 consecutive years clean and sober, I have watched people I’ve known and cared about relapse, and sometimes overdose, after having 10+ years in recovery – and it has been heartbreaking for me every time it happened.

For some addicts, there can be a difference between simply not using and actually being sober. To me, sobriety means that we are doing the inner work it takes to become self-aware and self-respecting enough to remain abstinent from addictive behaviours regardless of what is going on in our lives – no matter how tempting it might be at any given moment to stray from that intention. No matter how much clean time an addict may have – from any addiction – if we stop taking care of ourselves holistically, we all run the risk of relapsing.

Is it okay for a drug addict in recovery to drink?

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Ask Candace

Joanne asks: My sister has had problems with addiction on and off for about 5 years. She’s been to a couple of rehabs, and she has been clean now for about 6 months. We’re all very proud of her but we’re also worried. She was mostly using cocaine and pills, and because she wasn’t much of a drinker she now thinks it’s okay for her to drink socially since it wasn’t her “drug of choice.” Is it okay for a drug addict in recovery to drink?

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Hi Joanne,

This is a great question that many family members wonder about. The fact is that alcohol is a drug in liquid form. It is mind-altering and addictive, just like the cocaine and pills that she was using before. Even though she didn’t have a problem with alcohol when she was using those drugs, she could definitely develop a dependency on it now.

It’s important to understand that addiction isn’t really about the actual problematic substance or behaviour. What addiction is truly about is the underlying pain that people are unwilling to feel. When a person doesn’t want to have to deal with life on life’s terms, but would rather find a way to escape the pain or discomfort that unresolved emotional issues can bring, they will turn to substances and behaviours that will numb those difficult feelings. In a way, doing this is an unhealthy way of practicing self-care – people want to feel better so they find something that will help them forget about their pain. This desperate search to avoid facing reality can happen in a variety of ways, from mind-altering substances like drugs and alcohol to behaviours like eating disorders, compulsive overspending, gambling, and forms of internet addiction such as excessive gaming, watching porn or spending hours on social media.

If your sister is not yet willing to do the inner work it takes to become emotionally healthier and learn how to live life without the use of addictive behaviours, it is very possible that her “social drinking” will, in time, escalate into another full-blown addiction. And it is possible – and actually likely – that her increased use of alcohol will, over time, lead her back to the drugs she used before. Sustained recovery from addiction has its roots in abstinence from trying to escape from life’s obstacles and impediments. Even if there was no prior difficulty with alcohol while she was using other drugs, the choice to now substitute this mind-altering substance can easily become a slippery slope for her.

A sibling who relapses after rehab

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Addiction Recovery

Annie G asks: My sister has been having trouble with alcohol for about 4 years now. We‘ve sent her to rehab twice but she relapsed both times. My parents have been keeping her afloat financially for many years – which I don’t understand because she works full time and has enough money to buy her alcohol. That really makes me mad! About 3 months ago, she married a guy she barely knew when they went to Vegas together and even though he knows she’s a problem drinker (at the very least), he encourages her to drink and I think they are now using other drugs together too. My parents are continuing to pay part of their rent, food, and other monthly bills. I hate that this is happening! What should we do?

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Hi Annie,

Believe it or not, this is a very common scenario playing out in families who don’t yet understand the vitally important difference between enabling someone with addictive behaviours and actually helping them to come out of addiction and have the chance to recover.

It sounds like your parents may be very worried about your sister but simply don’t know what else to do. I know without question that nobody else can ‘get her out’ of addiction. Only your sister can do that – because she is the one making the choices that are giving her the lifestyle she has. If other people are going to tolerate this behaviour and even reinforce it by not holding her accountable for her choices, then what incentive would she have to do anything differently?

Enabled addicts don’t recover – because really, why should they? Every time we rescue an addict or enable them in any kind of way, we are actually contributing to their choice to stay exactly where they are. Many families believe that doing this is a loving act – because they mistakenly believe that the addicts they love are “powerless” and “can’t stop” using the addiction. This is simply not true. Millions of addicts (of all kinds) all over the world have indeed stopped. I am one of them.

We understand that even though this may be a difficult thing to do, we definitely can recover from addiction. Recovery from addiction occurs when addicts are no longer being enabled – when families stop making it so comfortable for them to choose to stay in active addiction.

Your sister will very likely sit up and take notice when your parents stop enabling her – with money as well as in other ways. Doing what they’ve been doing clearly isn’t working – so it’s time to ask themselves “Am I willing to try something different?”

That different approach will be to say to her “We love you so much. We love you so much that we’re no longer willing to support your choice to stay in active addiction – because we don’t want that life for you and it’s extremely difficult for us to see you there. So we will no longer help pay your rent and other expenses, or spend time with you when you’re drunk or high. When you’re really ready for help to make a different choice, let us know and we will be there for you in whatever ways we can.”

When your parents are ready to do this with your sister, after some initial pushback from her, they will see things begin to shift. If you and/or they need some assistance with this, please feel free to reach out to us.

How do I know when it’s time to say “I’m done!” with an addict?

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Anonymous asks: My sister has been an addict for over 10 years – how do I know when it’s time to slam the door and say “I’m done!”

Hi Anonymous,

The truth is that only you will know when that time has come. When we’ve been putting up with the bad behaviours associated with active addiction, there is an ending point for many people.

That being said, it’s also possible that if you try some different responses with your sister, you might find that she responds differently to you too. For example, a boundary that you can set could be “I love you – you’re my sister – but I often don’t like your behaviour. I love you enough to say “No” to any ways that I’ve helped you stay stuck in addiction – and I’m beginning to respect myself enough to not put up with the feelings of hurt, anger, and devastation that your behaviours cause. When you’re really ready to get some help to come out of addiction and into recovery, let me know and I’ll do what I can to be there for you. But for now, I choose not to do this horrific dance with you any longer.”

If you set a boundary in this way, you are closing the door but not slamming it or locking it. It’s very possible that this might be exactly what your sister needs to hear from you in order to choose recovery for herself. She may need some time to test your boundary and to do her best to shame and guilt you – and my hope is that you won’t give in to her manipulations because that won’t be good for either of you. But as you stay strong in your boundaries, coming from a place of love instead of anger, you may be surprised when she lets you know that she does indeed want help.

If you need some help determining and languaging your boundaries, I hope you’ll reach out to us. At Love With Boundaries, this is what we do and we would be happy to have a free 30-minute call with you to look at what you need and how we can help. Good luck and thank you for your question!

All my best,
Candace

How do I know if my husband is addicted?

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P.A. asks: How do I know if my husband is addicted? What signs should I be looking for?

Hi P.A.,

This is something that most loved ones of addicts wonder about. They have some suspicions, but aren’t sure exactly what to look for. And because most family members don’t want to think that a person they love is having a problem with addiction, they often minimize the signs they’re seeing and doubt themselves instead. The decision to do this generally keeps the problem going for a lot longer.

A good gauge is that if you think there could be something going on, there just may be. It’s best to do what you can to check it out, rather than just hope everything is fine. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, you very well could be right.

The signs you need to be looking for have to do with changes in patterns of both habits and behaviours. When people become consumed with addiction, their priorities change to less healthy ones. For example, someone who is using alcohol and drugs, going to the casino more frequently, or gaming online for many hours – especially at night – will often experience trouble getting up in time to get to work or school in the morning.

They also may start hanging out with different friends or colleagues, or they may start wearing different kinds of clothes. They may be more concerned about their appearance or they might choose to not take as good care of their hygiene as they used to. If they are a student, their grades may start to slip – and if they work, you may be getting calls from employers wondering where they are. And as this occurs with greater frequency, you may find yourself being asked for money more often or realize that your joint bank account is shrinking.

You also may be able to smell chemicals on them that weren’t showing up before. People who drink too much sometimes switch to vodka, thinking that other people won’t be able to smell it on them. But vodka does have a smell to it – as do the mints used to try to cover up that odour. Drugs also have chemical scents that can last on the body and clothing for long periods of time. That can be a real giveaway, one that the addict may not think can ‘out’ them.

In short, occurrences like these that seem out of the ordinary to you are worth noting and checking out. It’s best to recognize addictive behaviours as early as possible because addiction is progressive and generally won’t get better if it’s ignored.

Thank you for this very important question.

All my best,
Candace