Anne asks: What resources are available for families dealing with addiction, and what role does family therapy play in addiction recovery?
Hi Anne,
I will answer the second one first. The role that family therapy plays is huge. It’s so huge that, at Love with Boundaries, we will rarely work with an addict if their family isn’t involved. Every once in a while, we have somebody with an addiction get in touch with us and say, “I really want to stop. My family isn’t interested in participating. I’m done. I don’t know what to do, but I’m done, and I really need help.” Of course, we’re going to take that person on, and we’re going to hope that the family at some point will come in because if the family is doing anything that is contributing to the addict staying stuck in addiction, that has to stop in order for the addict to have a fighting chance of recovery. Addicts will manipulate us if we let them, and that will just keep them stuck. Families need to learn how to become united. I tell this to all my clients.
We help families learn how to become united so that there isn’t any wiggle room for manipulation. I used to be great at manipulation. I remember what it was like 37 years ago. If we’re allowed to manipulate, we will manipulate. A really important thing for families to understand is that addicts are terrified. If they’re in active addiction, they are scared that you’re going to want to take away their addiction, whether it’s shopping or porn or gaming or drugs or alcohol. They’ve found the way, they think, to deal with the world. This isn’t really working for them, but they think it’s their coping mechanism. They’re afraid that you or somebody else is going to want to take their addiction away from them.
They’re also terrified that nobody will take their addiction away from them because they know it’s not working for them. They’re terrified that nobody cares enough, nobody loves them enough to tell them the truth, to set boundaries that are loving and clear and firm.
Addicts live in this world of, Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. When people are terrified, it’s fight or flight. They either run away or they dump all over you, drop every F bomb they can, tell you what a rotten parent you are, and other things they know will push your button and make you stop trying to get them to change. But deep down, they respect you, and they feel more loved when you don’t stop. Even if they don’t show that, that’s what they feel because somebody cares enough to be doing this with them.
The families need to change what they’re doing first. As soon as you start to do this, you’re going to see a change in the addict—a shift—and that’s a good thing. You’re probably going to see fear. You might see pushback. That’s what we’re here to help you with, and then we keep working from there. But to let addicts get away with being in active addiction—how can that be a loving act?
We need to get to what the actual issue is with the addict, what makes them so scared of the world without the addiction, what’s really underneath this addiction. But it’s also about getting underneath the fear of loved ones to no longer enable. It’s the same for the family as it is for the addict in terms of the way we work with them. I don’t ask addicts, “How much are you drinking? What are you using?” I hardly ever ask those questions because it doesn’t matter. What really matters is why you keep doing this to yourself? Why are you sabotaging your life and shooting yourself in the foot and hurting yourself and the people around you who love you? What is this really about?
With the loved ones, it’s the same. It’s what scares you about not giving that $20 to the addict? That’s just an example of enabling. There are many others. But what scares you about not doing that? Are you scared of the pushback from the addict? Is the addict getting mad? Maybe the loved ones grew up in homes where they were expected and required to take care of everybody and not think much about themselves. When they have an addict in their life, they take care of that addict and do everything for them. What’s the fear about changing that? Because it needs to be changed.
It’s about getting underneath what’s stopping people from living their best life, living a life they love. What is stopping people from doing that? That’s what the family counselling is all about. Let’s find out so that you can make different choices.
All my best,
Candace
