Well-known TV icon Dr. Phil sometimes comes up with wonderful sayings and slogans, such as his classic “How’s THAT been workin’ for ya?” It’s a great question, designed to keep us on track in our lives— because if the way we’ve been doing something isn’t working, it could very well be time to try another way.
The other Dr. Phil-ism I like and use a lot—in both my personal and professional lives—is this one: We teach other people how to treat us. I absolutely believe this to be true, although there can be a variety of reasons for the ways we choose to do that. I like this saying because, when we can take responsibility for our part in any abuse we’re receiving from others, it takes us out of a ‘victim’ stance and allows us to see what we actually are able to change—ourselves.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-RESPECT
I talk about self-respect a lot with my clients. When they ask me what the difference is between self-respect and self-esteem, the best way I know to distinguish between them is as follows:
Self-esteem comes about when other people validate us for how well we’re doing in our life tasks. For example, they may tell us that we are good at our job, or they may acknowledge that our families are thriving due to our leadership. We may have a good grasp on how to budget our time and/or money, and our relationships with friends and family may be mostly positive and nurturing. Outwardly, we are successful in at least some of the ways our society defines success, and when someone points that out to us, our self-esteem increases. Self-esteem basically comes from the outside in.
I believe that it’s very possible to experience self-esteem while having very little self-respect. To me, self-respect is that deeper, inner feeling we have about ourselves. In the same way that self-esteem is earned, by proving that we can achieve positive results in our various life tasks, self-respect is also earned — but it’s an ‘inside job’ that nobody can do for us. Self-respect is not something we can buy in the 7-11, nor can another person bestow it upon us. In fact, when other people respect us but we don’t respect ourselves, it’s very dicult to let that positive attention in. It’s not until we truly love and respect ourselves, that we can begin to believe that we are worthy of another person’s love and respect.
The only way to have self-respect is to earn it—by continuing to do the next right thing, and the next right thing after that. I believe that self-respect is the most important thing we either have or don’t have, because it forms the keystone of how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. I believe that every decision we make in life—without exception—stems from our level of self-respect, and nothing is more important than that.
HOW TO DEVELOP SELF-RESPECT
The good news is that it’s really not that difficult to develop our self-respect. I believe that when we’re not treating ourselves well, on some level deep inside we know that. Because we can’t heal anything about ourselves that we’re not aware of, we need to be on the look-out for those times when we don’t feel good about ourselves.
Here is an easy gauge to see how well you’re faring in terms of your self-respect. Ask yourself this question, and be willing to look honestly at your answers:
“What do I need to do, and what do I need to NOT do, to be able to really look honestly at myself and be okay with who I see?”
Each time you ask yourself that question, listen for your true answer and actually base your behavior on what you have heard. If you do this regularly, you will build up your self-respect—as well as your self-trust—because this will become the foundation for all of your interactions, whether you are aware of that at the time or not.
This may be a difficult change for you to make, especially if you are used to pleasing others instead of yourself. Your personal challenge may lie in learning how to put yourself first without feeling guilty or “selfish.” But if you continue to put others first while feeling resentful or badly about yourself for doing that, your self-respect will inevitably suffer.
So here is the choice-point—what is more important to you: having other people like you or liking yourself?
When you find yourself involved in situations where you experience some negative feelings about yourself such as guilt, shame, or self-inflicted anger, here are some questions you might ask yourself in order to become more aware of your self-respect level:
- What behavior of my own may have contributed to my feeling this way about myself?
- What can I do differently next time, so that I can respect myself more in a similar situation?
- Is there anyone I need to talk with so that I can resolve or feel better about what happened?
- Can I be more gentle with myself and understand that I’m going to make mistakes—and hopefully learn from them?
WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US
When we fully understand that we teach other people how to treat us—either by how we treat them or how they see us treating ourselves—we can learn to change our own behaviors and obtain different, healthier results.
Because the only things we can change already reside within us—such as our choices, our decisions, our attitudes toward ourselves and life in general—we can come out of our feelings of ‘victim’ by acknowledging that we do actually have control over many aspects of our lives.
So the next time you say yes to someone when you really want to say no, be aware that you may be teaching that person that it’s ok to take you for granted and treat you poorly. The next time you are spoken to in a disrespectful manner and you choose to accept that by staying silent rather than standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, see if you can remind yourself that you can indeed make another choice and teach that person to treat you differently.
Remember—you alone are in control of yourself and of your life choices. And to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt’s wonderful comment, no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission.
Thank you so much for this article, I found it just in the right time and feel much much better instantly. Keep inspiring and helping people! I truly appreciate it. Thank you once more.
Candace Plattor says
You’re welcome, Nela – I’m glad it’s helped you!
I hope you’ll continue to read the articles on my blog!
Lyn Bowler says
Having just read your blog about the difference between self-esteem & self respect, I am at a complete loss currently to restore my own self respect. My only son & his wife emigrated to Australia three years ago, & I can’t help feeling thrown away, discarded, & unwanted. Having raised him on my own & with him knowing that I am disabled with severe rheumatoid arthritis & also suffer with severe recurrent depression, it has hurt me more than anything else in my whole life. I will be 70yrs old next April & I am really struggling with my loss of family & their former support.
I haven’t got a clue how to move on, or help myself feel better about my very changed circumstances. I know they are entitled to live anywhere they choose, but it has knocked my legs from beneath me, & I can’t stop thinking about it all the time. They lied about it too, saying initially that they were only going for two tears on a job exchange. That, in itself was very disabling too. Any advice would be be most welcome. My depression is killing me….
Sabo Nancy says
Thanks Candace for the advise… I had been finding it hard for myself before and also knowing how to act. But now I understand
Candace Plattor says
Hi Nancy – it’s great to hear that you’re beginning to understand how your actions can influence others. When we continue to enable addicts and give our power away, we do everyone a big disservice. Keep up the good work!
Hi thankyou the info you provided is very helpful
Thank You this article very helpful especially the last two paragraphs. I’m trying to learn how to say no without hurting other people’s feelings. Just my saying no is upsetting because people are not used to it. I’m always supposed to be the supporter and never the supported.
Candace Plattor says
Hi Sandra – what you’re naming is a very common dynamic, and the more you say no anyway when you need to, the more the people around you will get used to it. I hope you’ll stay with it, so that you can actually live YOUR life instead of the life others may want you to live.
Thanks for writing!
I’ve been trying to solve a problem situation with a vulnerable narcissist and not being able to understand why I can’t let go. It seems to be part guilt for intending to drop the friendship (an unstable person) and part the injustice of the one sided nature of the relationship. I do have high self esteem but this idea of self respect has opened up a new vein of insight and understanding ….thanks!
Candace Plattor says
Hi Mike, trying to be friends (or any relationship for that matter) with a narcissist can be quite problematic. They are very complex – they have such low self-respect and yet appear as if they think they know best about everything and everyone. Perhaps what you need to do is shore up your own self-respect to the point where you don’t wobble when another person finds fault with you or plays that one-upmanship game with you. Maybe you can see this person as a gift in your life – because of him/her, you now have the opportunity to grow, maybe more than you ever thought possible.
Good luck with this challenge – I believe you’ll be happy with your end results!
I recently had to end a relationship because I was not being respected. This article helps me to realize that I really do have self respect, which is the exact words I used to sever it…no blame…no rehashing. It ended as well as possible. The person I was severing the relationship with is a therapist, not mine though. As soon as I said self respect I could see his eyes completely change. He got it and told me he respected me more for doing it. It comforts me to know that I really do matter …to me. Thank you for your article.
Candace Plattor says
Hi Cheri, thank you so much for sharing this with me – and with the rest of us. We all matter, it’s just a question of when we’ll allow ourselves to truly know and accept that. I’m so glad you have done that now, and I hope you’ll pat yourself on the back for the way you handled this. I’m also glad that the person you were “severing” was able to hear you and didn’t cause any problems for you.
Congratulations – I can understand why you’re feeling so proud of yourself!