Sheila asks: My husband and I have very different approaches to helping our son with his alcoholism, and it’s causing arguments and problems in our relationship. How do we come together and agree on a plan?
Hi Sheila,
I see this happen so many times. We rarely see a family come to us where everybody is in agreement. We usually see families where one parent is enabling an adult child—meaning that they’re giving them money, doing things for them, driving them places because the child had a DUI and they don’t have a car anymore—they are essentially condoning bad behaviour in those kinds of ways. The other parent disagrees and tells their enabling spouse that they shouldn’t do that. There’s conflict between these parents. When that happens, the addict has a lot of wiggle room to manipulate the parents. When mom and dad or other family members are not in unison about how to deal with this, then the addict will continue to be enabled by somebody in the family.
What we know for sure is that an enabled addict does not recover—because why should they? If there’s somebody that’s going to do everything for them, then why should they be doing the things for themselves that they need to be doing? At Love With Boundaries, we help the parents, and other loved ones, understand that if you want the addict you love to recover—and of course they do—then they need to change some things about what they’re doing FIRST. Most addicts will not come to you and say, “Please, set some healthy boundaries for me, mom, dad, bro, sister.” They’re not going to do that because they’re terrified that they will have to give up their addiction.
We have an overdose crisis that is not letting up and people are really scared. Families must start to come together, learn how to set boundaries and how to be united. You may not always agree, but you can be respectful, and you can be working on solutions—and we help you with that at Love With Boundaries.
By doing that piece of work, the chances are so much better that your addict will sit up and take notice and think, I’m not able to get away with this behaviour anymore. This is becoming really hard for me. Maybe I need to make a change. Families need to be united so there isn’t space in between for an addict to manipulate. If we allow addicts to manipulate us, we’re doomed and they’re doomed. It’s not loving toward the addict and it’s not self-respectful toward ourselves when we choose to allow that to happen. Again, it takes work, but you’ll see the results.
Once again, it comes down to “choice”. As a family, you’re making that choice to set those necessary boundaries. Or you’re choosing not to.
Change really is possible, and it’s astounding how quickly that can happen. If you have decided you want positive change in your family, reach out to us at Love With Boundaries. We have helped thousands of families over the past 30 years—and we can help yours, too.
All my best,
Candace
