fbpx

LoveWithBoundaries

Are You the Loved One of an Addict? Saying NO to Manipulation

by

I am a firm believer that we teach other people how to treat us.

The way people treat us generally has its roots in the way we treat ourselves as well as how we decide to show up in the world. Are we assertive and clear with our boundaries, or do we allow other people to push us around? Do we practice healthy self-care, even while we may be caregivers to family members? Is our self-respect non-negotiable, even when we are experiencing difficulties in our lives?

Or—do we allow anxiety and fear to rule us when we encounter situations that we simply can’t control? Do we go along to get along, giving in to what other people want just so that we can avoid conflict?

If you are the loved one of someone with an addiction and you are allowing yourself to be manipulated, it’s important to ask yourself why you’re doing that—and to be as honest as you can in your response. One of my favourite sayings comes from Eleanor Roosevelt, who so aptly told us, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” When we choose to feel inferior to someone else—when we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own on a fairly consistent basis rather than take care of ourselves, we act in ways that allow that person to manipulate us.

[Read more…]

Attention All Loved Ones of Addicts: Let’s Come out of the Shame Closet and Recover!

by

SEPTEMBER IS RECOVERY MONTH

Do you know that September is Recovery Month? I think it’s amazing that a whole month has been set aside as a time to honor recovery from addiction—this shows that the times definitely are a-changin’ and that a great many more people are getting the message that recovery truly is possible.

This is great for those who are struggling with addictive behaviors—from alcohol and drugs to gambling, to compulsive over-spending, to sex addiction, to Internet addiction, to eating disorders—and everything in between. I’m so happy that the stigma associated with addiction is being lifted in this way and we’re finally talking about it!

But—what about the loved ones of those who are addicted? These people suffer and struggle right alongside the addicts in their lives. They live in fear 24/7, with frustration, resentment, and confusion. They practice their own addictive behaviors too, such as codependency and people-pleasing, often with a severe lack of personal boundaries.

Are we talking about them yet?

Are they talking to each other?

FINDING YOUR WAY OUT OF SHAME

I am an Addictions Therapist in private practice in Vancouver, BC, specializing primarily in helping people who are caught in this struggle with addicted loved ones. Although there have recently been a few more resources popping up for them, there is still unfortunately very little help out there for those who are faced with this situation.

For several years, I’ve been hosting a Facebook page called Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself. A few weeks ago, in a newsletter I sent out, I suggested to the loved ones on my list to come visit my page and ‘like’ it—at that time, there were relatively few people there and only about 450 likes. But now, as of this writing, there are nearly 2000 likes and counting. A true community is developing there—it’s become a place where we can gather and support each other with compassion, understanding, and patience. We no longer have to feel so isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

It’s definitely time for those of us who are loved ones of addicts to come out of the shame closet we’ve been stuck in for such a long time—shame that results from believing that we have somehow caused our addict’s addiction and are responsible for making it stop.

That is simply not true—and I’m on a mission to help loved ones understand this.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ADDICTION—AND CHOICE

The real truth is that the addicts in our lives are making their own choices. Now, I’m not saying that people choose to become addicted—I don’t believe for a moment that anyone consciously makes that decision. I certainly didn’t, when I was in the initial throes of it myself. In fact, most people who do become addicted—to whatever their addictive behavior of choice is—believe that this will never happen to them. The other guy will get hooked, but not them! In their denial, they firmly believe they can handle the great harm they’re causing themselves. In the addiction field, we call this “terminal uniqueness”—when addicts believe that they’re so special and unique that it could actually kill them.

The irony about addiction is that it begins as a form of self-care: people just want to feel better. Unfortunately, addiction is a twisted form of self-care that only ends up hurting everyone it touches.

And the truth is that there is always another way to deal with a problematic situation or emotion.

Today, what I know to be true is that remaining in active addiction is indeed a choice. Whether or not addiction is seen as a disease, whether there is a genetic predisposition or it’s a learned behavior from our families of origin, and even though there is definitely brain involvement in addiction—underneath all of that, continuing to use an addictive behavior is ultimately a decision addicts make—and the loved ones are NOT responsible for that choice.

Today, what I know to be true is that we are all powerless over other people—we simply can’t and don’t make anyone else’s decisions for them. If we were able to do that, there would likely be a lot less addicts in the world! But because it’s not possible for us to make any addict stop using, choosing active recovery instead is entirely up to the addict.

WHAT CAN LOVED ONES DO DIFFERENTLY?

Despite all the funding cuts in the social services arena these days, there are still a multitude of services and resources available to help addicts who are ready to change their lives. There are detoxes, residential treatment centers, day treatment programs, recovery homes, mental health centers that also deal with addiction (dual diagnosis), 12-Step groups for nearly any addiction you can imagine—as well as many viable alternatives for those who don’t wish to follow those steps. The truth is that there is no excuse anymore for any person to stay entrenched in addiction.

No such luck for the loved ones of those addicts, however. The services for them are few and far between, so a great many friends and family members continue to do the wrong things when trying to help—simply because no one has ever suggested there might be another way.

And the good news is that there is another way.

In order to change what they can (themselves), loved ones need to understand that even though they did not cause the addiction, they have most likely contributed to it by enabling the addict in some way. Most of you know that you’ve done things you shouldn’t have done—such as giving money to the addict you love, or allowing him/her to live in your home rent-free with no consequences for negative behaviors. If you’ve been doing anything like that, please understand that this is not a loving act toward your addict, and it is definitely not self-respectful toward yourself. Please consider changing these actions into much healthier helping behaviors—ones that often halt addiction right in its tracks.

NO MORE SHAME!

Your job as the loved one of an addict is to practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and to do the inner work it takes to more deeply understand why you’ve been enabling in the first place. Your work is to love your addict enough to do the next right thing, over and over again, so that the addiction can actually stop.

You must not take on responsibility that isn’t yours. Stop believing that you’ve somehow caused the addiction or that you can somehow force the addict to quit if you just try hard enough. Stop believing that you are somehow defective because someone you love is making negative choices—and stop living in shame because of it.

Remember that September is Recovery Month…

Let’s hear each other’s feelings and stories. Let’s continue to come together in places like my Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page. Let’s learn how to transform our own lives—which is what we can and do control—and start feeling deep and healthy pride for the positive changes we’re choosing to make in ourselves.

Let’s continue to come out of that closet of shame and live our own best lives. The ripple effect may well be that as the addict you love sees you role model this new behavior, they will also choose to make healthier, positive changes in their own lives.

Sometimes Love Looks like “No”: When to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

by

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction? What needs to happen for that to occur?

If you are in that situation, you have probably wondered about this many times.

THE QUESTION OF THE DAY

Several weeks ago I was interviewed on Talk Recovery radio, a new program on Vancouver’s Co-Op Radio station, dealing with addiction and recovery issues. I was honored to be chosen as their very first guest, and I had a great time talking with the interviewers about my book Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction and the work I do with the loved ones of people struggling with addictive behaviors.

The Question of the Day that was posed for the show was: Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction? Throughout our lively discussion, we touched on many important topics—not the least of which was the importance of knowing the difference between helping and enabling. At one point, one of the interviewers, Frances, quipped, “Sometimes love looks like No,” which I thought was just brilliant—thank you, Frances, for putting it so succinctly.

It’s so true—sometimes love really does look like “no.” We know that loving parents take the time to teach their young children not to do unsafe things such as touching a hot stove or running into a busy street. Sometimes there are even consequences for behaviors such as these that put children at risk, so that they will come to understand that they can’t do whatever they like whenever they like. In this way, children can learn how to think a potential action through to its logical conclusion—a necessary skill that can enormously assist a child’s decision-making process well into adulthood.

WHAT IS THE MOST LOVING THING TO DO?

When parents don’t set these kinds of boundaries, for whatever reason, they are essentially preparing their children for a world that simply doesn’t exist. Our lives are made up of choices, and then we are faced with the consequences—good, bad, and sometimes ugly—that those choices bring us. Failing to teach this truth is not a loving act toward anybody, especially the children involved.

The same is true for people struggling with addictive behaviors of any kind. When loved ones don’t set healthy and appropriate boundaries, and instead allow the addicts to continue to get away with behaviors that contribute to their own destructive lifestyles, how can this be a loving act toward them?

Simply put, enabling behaviors are those that keep the addiction going, while helping behaviors generally influence the addiction to stop. It’s important to understand that when family and friends enable the addicts in their lives, they are often meeting their own needs as opposed to truly meeting the addict’s needs. An example of this dynamic is giving money to someone who is entrenched in active addiction. This type of act may allow the loved ones to feel some relief, as they choose to believe that the money will be spent wisely, perhaps on such things as rent and food. But when we give money to people who are still using an addictive behavior, we can have a pretty good idea what that money will be used for—that’s right, it will be used to subsidize the addiction.

The question to ask ourselves is, “Does this action on my part actually meet the need of my addicted loved one?”

If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll know that it doesn’t. It may be what the addict wants, but it’s not even slightly what he or she needs. What an addict needs is help to stop using, not enabling to continue. It can sometimes be difficult for loved ones to see that enabling the addict meets their own needs—perhaps they want to be liked or loved by the person with the addiction, or they don’t want to deal with the addict’s rage when being given a “No.” As understandable as these feelings might be, the truth remains that giving in to an addict’s unhealthy demands is not good for the addict, nor is it a loving—or self-respecting—act on the part of the loved one.

WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE—AND HOW DO WE DO IT?

First and foremost, we need to understand that we are not helping when we allow people with addictions to manipulate us. Just as we would not allow a child to touch a hot stove, we must not contribute to the addict’s addiction if we really love that person and want the best for them. Many loved ones of addicts are ‘people-pleasers’ and have been that way for a long time. They may have even learned those codependent behaviors in their own families of origin, not knowing how else to get along in the world. Saying “no” to anyone, especially a potentially rageful or manipulative addict who is still in active addiction, can be a very foreign and scary concept for them.

If this sounds like you, please know that this can change. The most important first step is to ascertain what your boundaries are—if you haven’t been setting any, as a general rule, you may need some help in figuring that out. You can learn how to phrase your boundaries so that they are assertive, as opposed to passive or aggressive. You can receive support that will help you maintain the healthy boundaries you’ve set, even when the addict in your life lets you know they are not happy with you. Please always reach out for assistance when you need it!

Once you understand that saying “No” to an addict may very well be the most loving thing you can do, it will become easier for you to do this, and to withstand the potential backlash. Parenting experts have been telling us for years that children who know what the healthy boundaries are feel safer and more loved than those who are allowed to get away with untoward behaviors. I believe the same holds true of people struggling with addiction—they are much more likely to make the choice to stop the addictive behavior when the boundaries are set and maintained.

It’s time to raise the bar to an appropriate level and expect more of your addicted loved ones—and of yourself. The next time you find yourself wondering how to best have a healthy relationship with a practicing addict, remember that sometimes saying “No” will be the most loving act you can do for everyone concerned.

 

You can follow Candace’s Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page here by clicking ‘Like’:

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook

 

Carole James’ Private Struggle: The Loved One of an Addict Shares Her Story

by

THE STORY

I was recently interviewed on NEWS 1130 radio here in Vancouver about the very touching story that has surfaced regarding Carole James and her son’s addiction.

When I initially became aware of this, my first thought was about the harrowing ordeal this family has gone through—with virtually nowhere to turn for help.

Ms. James’ son Evan—now 28, clean, and sober—first began using drugs and alcohol when he was 16. At this time, Ms. James was in the process of getting her professional career off the ground and would later become quite a well-known public figure. But more importantly, at this point in time, there was little understanding of the depth of pain and anguish this kind of addiction also causes family members and friends. That kind of awareness was not even on the radar then—certainly not the way it is today.

Today there are many avenues for help open to alcoholics and addicts. In fact, there are currently 12-Step programs for virtually any addictive behaviour you can think of—which I think is a wonderful thing. Addiction is finally being talked about as the very serious condition that it is, which can only be positive for our society as a whole. One of the benefits of bringing this to the light is that it helps to dissipate the shameful stigma that has been attached to addiction for a very long time, finally allowing people to accept the stark reality of their situation and reach out for the help they so desperately need.

WHERE TO TURN?

Unfortunately, when Ms. James’ family was in the beginning throes of hell with Evan’s ever-progressing addiction, there weren’t a lot of places they could turn to for help. Twelve-Step programs existed then—Al-Anon being one of them—but I can well imagine that for a public figure like Carole, going there could be somewhat of a dicey choice. Until recently, there have been very few other resources for people in her position as loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. Thankfully that is beginning to change now—but in my opinion, this change is still happening far too slowly.

Photo credit: dzz, morguefile.com

For every one addict—regardless of what the addictive behaviour is—there are any number of people, both family and other loved ones, who are being negatively affected by that person’s addiction. There are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, bosses, colleagues, fellow students, teachers—the list just goes on. They are all having a really hard time too, as they witness someone they care deeply about destroy his or her life with addiction. But where can they go for help?

As an Addictions Therapist, I specialize in working with the loved ones of addicts as well as with the addicts themselves. Every day I receive at least one or two new calls or emails from loved ones seeking help for this horrendous situation they find themselves mired in. Most often, they have been experiencing the pain of this for quite a long time before they pick up the phone or write to me, and when they finally do reach out, they generally ask for help for the addict they love so dearly, not for themselves. This is often because they have been putting their own needs on the back burner for such a long time that they don’t even recognize their own unaddressed suffering.

Addiction affects virtually all of us, in some way or another. It’s hard to find anyone these days who doesn’t know someone with some kind of problematic addictive behaviour—and if you are a loved one of an addict who is currently in active addiction, you owe it to yourself to get the support and help you need, so that the entire family dynamic can heal and change for the better.

RESOURCES THAT CAN HELP

If you are the loved one of an addict, there are some places you can go for help if you live in British Columbia. These include (but are not limited to) Vancouver Coastal Health, Family Services of Greater Vancouver, and Sources BC in White Rock which runs a wonderful “Affected Others” group for loved ones. Treatment centres such as Pacifica, Edgewood, and Cedars at Cobble Hill run excellent family programs. There are therapists like myself who are skilled in counselling loved ones—and of course there is Al-Anon, which remains an exceptional lifeline to so many loved ones of alcoholics. Nar-Anon is its counterpart for people whose loved ones are addicted to other mind-altering drugs.

If someone you love has an addiction—wherever you live in the world—I deeply hope that you will check to see what kinds of services are available to help you.

My book, Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, is also available worldwide through Amazon, Chapters, and other online sites, as well as in a variety of bookstores throughout Canada and the US. I wrote Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself specifically for the loved ones of people with addictions, and it is now used in a number of addiction treatment facilities for their family programs.

There is also an accompanying workbook (Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Workbook) that can help you go deeper into what may be issues in your own life, such as people-pleasing; understanding the differences between ‘helping’ and ‘enabling’ so that you can set appropriate, self-respecting boundaries; and learning how to develop and put into practice your own holistic self-care. Both of these books will assist you—the loved one of someone struggling with addiction—to come off the emotional roller coaster you may be finding yourself on with the addict in your life. You can read more about my books at www.lovewithboundaries.com/products.htm.

To Carole James—my sincere thanks to you for being so courageously willing to share your personal story with us. And to you, Evan, from one recovering addict to another—my heartfelt congratulations to you. I’m so glad we’ve both survived the hell of active addiction and that we are both now striving to help others with our experience, strength, and hope.