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LoveWithBoundaries

Matthew Perry: Addiction and Recovery

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Okay, I’ll admit it – I’m a “Friends” fan. I have been since its inception so many years ago, and I’ve been known to watch a rerun every now and then. That show told an amazing story of six young people with very different personalities, values, and opinions who simply loved each other through all of it and would always have each other’s backs. It was funny and heartwarming, all at the same time.

My favourite character was Chandler Bing – I loved his irreverent sense of humour and, let’s face it, he was some lovely eye candy back in the day. Being in the addictions field, both as a therapist and as a recovering addict myself, I knew of Matthew Perry’s struggles but didn’t know very much of his story – until now, with his decision to share it with us.

I certainly didn’t know that he spent approximately $9 million on his recovery – which I find incredibly excessive. It’s hard to imagine that kind of astronomical cost: he must have gone to a number of very posh country-club-type rehabs to even come close to spending that much. This man has certainly had his ups and downs in life, as all addicts in active addiction do – but a great many of his were played out in the media for all to see. That can’t be an easy way to bounce between addiction and recovery.

Matthew PerryWhy Matthew Perry Is Speaking Out Now

As I’ve watched Mr. Perry on the talk show circuit lately, the first thing I felt was compassion and respect for a man who truly wants to help. He clearly wants to share his story in order to make it easier for others to recover from addiction. Yes, I also believe he wants to sell his book – and as an author myself, I understand that. But I believe the difference here for him is the same as it is for me: even if I never made a dime on my book, if it helps families understand what addiction really is and how they can actually HELP the addicts they love so dearly – instead of continuing to enable them – then I would be happy.

I’ve heard Mr. Perry say recently that he wrote his book in order to help others come out of addiction. And while I think that’s true, I have an issue with some of the things he’s saying, and that is what I want to address here.

Clearly, the 12-Step model is working for him – and I’m glad for him. Whatever it takes to become and stay clean and sober is what’s required. The 12-Step “disease” model works for a lot of people. It worked for me, for about the first 10 years of my recovery. (I am currently 35 years clean and sober.) These groups are quite amazing and unique in several ways. There is the fellowship – being able to meet like-minded people who also want to have and maintain their sobriety. There is sponsorship for those who wish to have one designated person to help when an addict starts to wobble in their recovery. And there are a number of events to attend outside of scheduled meetings, such as getting together for coffee, dances, and “round-ups” all over the world. There is certainly no reason for any addict to feel bored or unchallenged as part of the 12-Step world. [Read more…]

If You Want Your Addicted Loved One to Change, You Must Change Yourself First

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Expecting the addict in your life to change if you’re not willing to do the same is not only unfair – but it also won’t work well.  Although your addict is responsible for his or her own choices and behaviours, as the loved one you bear some responsibility for any ways that you have contributed to these dysfunctional patterns – and you must be willing to change those first, before the addict you love so dearly will be willing to change what they have been doing.

Addiction Recovery

Learn How to Use the Serenity Prayer in Your Own Life

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The Serenity Prayer tells us that we need to “accept the things we cannot change” and to have “the courage to change the things we can.”  First and foremost, we need to understand that we cannot change another person, even though we want to believe we can. Although we might be able to influence other people, the only person we can ever really change is ourselves – and we need to develop the courage to do that when our thoughts and our actions aren’t serving us well.

A sibling who relapses after rehab

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Addiction Recovery

Annie G asks: My sister has been having trouble with alcohol for about 4 years now. We‘ve sent her to rehab twice but she relapsed both times. My parents have been keeping her afloat financially for many years – which I don’t understand because she works full time and has enough money to buy her alcohol. That really makes me mad! About 3 months ago, she married a guy she barely knew when they went to Vegas together and even though he knows she’s a problem drinker (at the very least), he encourages her to drink and I think they are now using other drugs together too. My parents are continuing to pay part of their rent, food, and other monthly bills. I hate that this is happening! What should we do?

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Hi Annie,

Believe it or not, this is a very common scenario playing out in families who don’t yet understand the vitally important difference between enabling someone with addictive behaviours and actually helping them to come out of addiction and have the chance to recover.

It sounds like your parents may be very worried about your sister but simply don’t know what else to do. I know without question that nobody else can ‘get her out’ of addiction. Only your sister can do that – because she is the one making the choices that are giving her the lifestyle she has. If other people are going to tolerate this behaviour and even reinforce it by not holding her accountable for her choices, then what incentive would she have to do anything differently?

Enabled addicts don’t recover – because really, why should they? Every time we rescue an addict or enable them in any kind of way, we are actually contributing to their choice to stay exactly where they are. Many families believe that doing this is a loving act – because they mistakenly believe that the addicts they love are “powerless” and “can’t stop” using the addiction. This is simply not true. Millions of addicts (of all kinds) all over the world have indeed stopped. I am one of them.

We understand that even though this may be a difficult thing to do, we definitely can recover from addiction. Recovery from addiction occurs when addicts are no longer being enabled – when families stop making it so comfortable for them to choose to stay in active addiction.

Your sister will very likely sit up and take notice when your parents stop enabling her – with money as well as in other ways. Doing what they’ve been doing clearly isn’t working – so it’s time to ask themselves “Am I willing to try something different?”

That different approach will be to say to her “We love you so much. We love you so much that we’re no longer willing to support your choice to stay in active addiction – because we don’t want that life for you and it’s extremely difficult for us to see you there. So we will no longer help pay your rent and other expenses, or spend time with you when you’re drunk or high. When you’re really ready for help to make a different choice, let us know and we will be there for you in whatever ways we can.”

When your parents are ready to do this with your sister, after some initial pushback from her, they will see things begin to shift. If you and/or they need some assistance with this, please feel free to reach out to us.

How do I know if I’m “loving my addict to death” as you mentioned in your TEDx talk?

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From Anonymous: I heard you say in your TEDx talk that we may be “loving our addicts to death.” That scared me – how do I know if I’m doing that with my addict?

Hi Anonymous, this has to do with the crucial difference between enabling and helping – and I’m so glad you asked about this.

When we enable someone, we are basically doing for them what they can – and should – be doing for themselves. When we do this with the addicts we love, over an extended period of time, we are actually taking away their sense of healthy pride in themselves for being resilient and learning that they are capable of more than they thought they could do. We deprive them of their pat-on-the-back moments.

For example, if we continually do their laundry for them, why should they learn how to do it for themselves? Why not just keep wearing their dirty clothes until someone else puts them in the washing machine and pushes the button to turn it on?

Without that amazing feeling of self-respect, addicts generally stay stuck in their addictions, rather than venturing out past their ‘comfort zones’ and trying new ways to deal with life. When we choose to do everything for the addict, the bar we’ve set for them is so low that it might as well be under the ground – and most addicts will simply decide to stay stuck in the laziness they’ve grown accustomed to. The bar is set too low for them and they come to believe that they can’t raise it themselves.

Helping is the opposite of enabling. We can help by raising that bar and showing the addicts we love HOW to do their own laundry – how much soap to use, how to choose the correct cycle, how to push that Start button – while also setting a loving boundary telling them that we won’t be doing their laundry for them anymore. We can even explain that we’re doing this because we love them so much and we want them to feel the pride of wearing the clean clothes that they themselves have laundered.

This is only one example – but the dynamic relates to many other enabling behaviours. And while it’s true that doing someone’s laundry for them won’t ‘love them to death,’ if we keep doing for addicts what they can and should be doing for themselves, how will they grow to be accountable for themselves rather than choose to remain lazy with most things?

When an addict is allowed to remain stuck in addiction, that is not a loving act on the part of the enabler. We may feel like we’re doing something kind for the addict – but if this kind of action on your part is continuous and more damaging, then their addiction is going to be even more consuming for them. Some of these more detrimental enabling behaviours include:

  • Giving the addict money even though you know where that money will go
  • Paying an addict’s rent and/or buying their food
  • Allowing the addict to live in your family home without contributing at all
  • Letting the addict get away with using all night and sleeping all day
  • Putting up with obnoxious and even violent behaviour toward other family members
  • Setting the bar so low for them that they are not required to either work, go to school, or be in some form of active recovery

Addiction is progressive – it does not usually stop on its own, and as we enable them, the worse it gets. An enabled addict doesn’t recover because – really, why should they? This is how we love our addicts TO DEATH.

We need to raise the bar for the addicts we love – even if that’s uncomfortable for us to do. We all know that addicts continue to die – whether by their own hand (suicide) because they hate the lives they’re living, or by accidental overdose. This is not news to any of us. By NOT giving an addict money, especially when we know where that money is going to go, we are doing the most loving thing we can do for them. By not contributing to an addict’s addiction in any way, and instead by using whatever healthy leverage we have in order to support them (and our family members, by extension) to get the help they need, we are loving them TO LIFE.

Thank you again for asking this question!
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.