fbpx

LoveWithBoundaries

Yes, Change Can Be Hard – But It’s Worth It!

by

The way I see it, there are two kinds of pain. There is the pain that goes on and on and on – and there is the pain that hurts, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When we love an addict and want them to change, we find that we need to change first, in order for that to happen. Changing oneself is often not an easy process in the short run – but in the long run, it’s so worth it! Difficult family dynamics transform and the addicts we love often also make the choice to make the very changes we were hoping to see.

addiction recovery

How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely?

by

addiction recovery

Penny C. asks: How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely? He doesn’t seem to want to do that.

Hi Penny,

The way it works is that if loved ones want to see changes in the addicts they love, they will need to make some changes within themselves first. (This is a process, and you may need to seek out some help with it.) So what you can say to him is “I don’t want to live with someone who drinks anymore. I would like our relationship to continue, and I’m hoping you’re ready to stop. I will no longer be supporting you, in any way, if you choose to stay in active addiction – but I will support you in the best ways I can when you choose to stop drinking and go into recovery.”

You’re saying that he doesn’t seem to want to stop. Please remember that we teach other people how to treat us. If he thinks you’re going to put up with his drinking, then what incentive would he have to want to stop a behaviour that he feels helps him get through life?

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

 

How do I know if my daughter is using?

by

addiction recovery

JN asks: How do I know if my daughter is using? I think she is but she tells me she’s not. She lives with me so we go through this with each other fairly often.

Thanks for your question, JN.

It will depend on whether she’s using mind-altering substances or mood-altering behaviours (like gambling, shopping, etc.). And sometimes it’s harder to tell with drugs than with alcohol, because there is little or no smell with most of them. But if you’ve been in this situation for a while with your daughter, then you likely know her personality and her moods very well – and you may even have a gut reaction when you think that she’s using.

As loved ones of addicts, we need to learn to trust ourselves around this. One boundary you can set with her when she tells you she’s not high, and you know she is, could be something like “If I even THINK you’re using….” then setting the consequence, i.e. “You’ll have to spend the night elsewhere” or “I may be asking you to move out – because I love you and I don’t want to see you in active addiction anymore. And because I don’t want to live this way anymore and keep going through this with you.”

It’s best to not set a boundary until you’re ready to maintain it and follow through with it. But if your gut is telling you that she’s using, even if she says she’s not, please allow yourself to trust those instincts.

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

If my daughter leaves rehab, what do I do?

by

 

addiction recovery

M.T. asks: My daughter is in rehab but is saying she might not stay. I’ve been paying her rent for a while and I’m continuing to do that while she’s there. If she leaves, what do I do?

Hi M.T.,

The main message here is that you will no longer support her addiction but you will support her recovery. If she leaves treatment against the advice of the staff there, then out of a place of love for her, you can tell her you will no longer be paying her rent. If you enable her in any way, what incentive will she have to do anything differently? She is at a choice point right now – and so are you. We know that if nothing changes, nothing changes – and if you continue to pay her rent (or enable her in any other ways) while she chooses active addiction, then you will actually be assisting her to make the choice to keep using her addiction of choice.

But – don’t set a boundary unless you’re willing to stick to it. When we set boundaries and then cave, the addicts we love just wait for us to keep doing that. Do your best to understand that you play a pivotal, important role here – and we need to love our addicts enough to do what’s right for them, even when it’s uncomfortable for us.

Good luck!
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

Family Addiction Counselling:
3 Sure-Fire Tips to Find the Right Therapist for You and Your Family

by

We all know how rampant addiction has become – we see it all around us and hear about it in our news nearly every day. Mostly, our society focuses on mind-altering addiction, consisting of drugs and alcohol. There are also many other kinds of mood-altering or process addictions, which are more behavioural in nature such as gambling, smoking, overspending, eating disorders, and sex addiction of various types.

Millions of families all over the world are grappling with some sort of addiction these days – and most of them have no idea how to find or access any help.

And even though there is plenty of help available to people who are addicted, there is still very little assistance or counselling for their loved ones. When there is addiction in a family, everyone is affected and everyone needs to heal – otherwise, the addiction just continues to hold everybody emotionally hostage.

So – how is a family supposed to find the skilled, experienced, and compassionate help they so desperately need? This article is intended to be a guide for you, if you are being run ragged by your loved one’s addiction. [Read more…]