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LoveWithBoundaries

Providing Hope Through Choice

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The 2018 Vancouver Get Inspired event is now only 10 days away!

I’ve been very busy preparing for my talk and everything that is involved in building up to it—including the Get Inspired podcast. My podcast interview, titled Providing Hope Through Choice to Addicts and Their Families, is now available and I’ve shared the link below.

During the podcast, I offer hope to addicts and their families by inspiring in them the power to choose—choosing to live life clean and sober instead of mired in addiction. As many of you know if you’ve been following my work for a while, I know from personal experience that addicts are not powerless over their addiction. I made the choice to live without drugs more than 31 years ago, and every day there are people making the same choice, all over the world.

Having lived as an opioid addict for 15 years, and now as an addict in recovery with my self-respect intact, I know how much better my life is today because of the choice I make each and every day to stay clean and sober.

I wouldn’t have it any other way! Please join me in learning how to do this, either for yourself or for the addict you love.

From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

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This post was originally published in February 2013.

Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Baileys to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

Valentine's Day candies

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps there are animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?

30 Years Clean & Sober: My Gratitude Speaks

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On July 18, 2017, just a few days from now, I will be celebrating 30 years of continued recovery—primarily from prescription pills and pot. As I look back on these years, what I know for sure is that I definitely feel as if I’ve been born again within this one lifetime.

balloons

So how did this happen? Truly, when I first started my recovery from addiction, if anyone had told me that I would someday have 30 years, I would have told them they were crazy. I couldn’t see past my own nose, at that point. I often felt like I didn’t even know my own name, especially in those early days in detox.

And yet, here we are.

The Storm Before the Calm

And the way it happened was simply one day at a time. I made the decision, each day, that I would not use a mind-altering substance during that 24-hour period. As they say in Narcotics Anonymous, I didn’t use even when my ass was falling off. It was indeed simple—just not always easy.

In 1973, I suddenly became very ill and was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease—an inflammatory bowel condition with no known cause and no known cure. It can be a very difficult illness to manage—it’s painful, unpredictable, and potentially embarrassing. For many years, I was given prescriptions for valium, oxys, and codeine over and over again, week after week—as much as I asked for. It didn’t take long for my body to become addicted to all of them, although in those days I had no conscious awareness of that.

And then I re-discovered pot and life became easier, as if by magic. [Read more…]

AA Agnostica: Alternative Steps for Recovery from Addiction

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I’ll always be grateful to 12-Step programs. Along with some other amazing Earth Angels that came into my life just at the right time, I credit 12-Step meetings for quite literally saving my life.

Twenty-seven years ago, in the Springtime when many things begin to change and grow, I reached quite a low bottom with my drug addiction. From the time I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 1973, I began faithfully using the prescriptions given to me by my doctors: medications like Valium, Codeine, and Demerol, as well as the marijuana I chose to smoke daily to offset both the pain and the shame of dealing with an increasingly debilitating inflammatory bowel disease. Nearly 15 years later, in 1987, I was so depressed and sick that I had become suicidal.

Life was definitely not a party for this isolative, shame-based addict.

When I began going to Narcotics Anonymous, I was willing to do “whatever it takes” (to quote their literature) to become healthier. I wasn’t sure what recovery would look like for me, but it had to be better than the active addiction I’d been in for so long. A shy introvert, I gratefully met like-minded people who told me to “keep coming back”—something I’d never been invited to do in my family of origin. I made friends and went to lots of meetings in a variety of 12-Step fellowships—in fact, recovery from addiction has been my life’s work ever since.

But somehow I never felt completely at home there—as much as I deeply yearned for just that. When I look back, I think this had to do with not being able to be entirely honest about something quite important to me…

I have long been fascinated with all things spiritual. I recall reading both “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse and the Bible when I was 11 years old, while most of my peers were still playing with Barbies. But I have never considered myself to be a religious person—the Judeo-Christian concept of “God” that I’d been taught about as a child always seemed to be too small for the amazingly vast cosmos that is the Universe. And I certainly didn’t see God, whatever it was, as a masculine Him.

As a result, I found the wording of several of the 12 Steps problematic. When I raised that issue with some of my newfound friends in the program, I was told that I could have any Higher Power I wanted. I recall one person telling me my HP could even be a doorknob.

A doorknob??

12632923_sMuch of the Christian concepts and language in the 12 Steps didn’t work for me, and I remember sitting in meetings inwardly trying to change the wording when the Steps were recited—as they were in every group, at least once. And when I told someone I was doing that, inside myself, I remember being criticized and told that I had to say the Steps exactly as they were written. The shame of that scolding burned for some time in my sensitive psyche. I stopped talking about it and just tried my hardest to fit in—just like many people do in those meetings, especially as newcomers.

The real problem, as I understand it today, is the very dogma of the program that stipulates that the Steps must—to this very day in 2014—continue to be read, recited, and studied with exactly the same wording with which they were developed way back in 1935 by two financially well-off white Christian males. The needs of a vast part of our addicted population have changed dramatically since then—but we’ve basically been shamed into maintaining the 12 Steps exactly as they were originally written, complete with ‘shortcomings’ and ‘defects of character’—concepts I also had trouble with. Times have changed substantially since 1935, but the Steps haven’t.

At least, not until recently.

I’m discovering that we now have a number of wonderful alternatives, for those who are seeking something different. Some very courageous addicts in recovery have formed groups based on a variety of 12 Steps that do not follow religious language. These Steps are available on the website “AA Agnostica,” and these alternative groups have been growing in number due to the desire of many recovering addicts to be more spiritually honest in the programs they work and the language they use.

I know that many people have no problem at all with the fact that the Steps have remained the same as they were in 1935, using religious language. If the original 12 Steps are a fit for you, then there is no reason for you to change anything. But for those of you who are looking for something different, I suggest that you check out these alternatives. I wish these groups had been around while I was attending 12-Step meetings for the first 5-10 years of my recovery—and I’m very glad to know that they’re here now.

You can read more about this here: http://aaagnostica.org/alternative-12-steps/

Whichever set of Steps you choose to use, I wish all of us in active recovery another 24 hours of abstinence from our addictive behaviors, one day at a time. May God, Goddess, Creator, Great Spirit, Higher Power, Universal Force—or whatever name feels right for you—be with us always!

Sir Elton: A Man of Courageous Moxie

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This morning I listened to Elton John’s interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. This amazingly brave man spoke candidly about how he “squandered” (his word) many years of his life by giving in to his enormous appetite for alcohol, drugs, and food. He also openly discussed the great shame he carried around for a very long time, after watching many of his friends die all around him—from addiction as well as from AIDS—while he spent his time running away from his feelings by using a variety of addictive behaviors.

Who doesn’t like Elton John? For most of us who came of age in the 60’s, he was a beacon of light in so many ways. His melodic music, his incredibly meaningful lyrics that spoke to his generation, his non-apologetic flamboyancy with which he presented himself to the world, affirming that it was just fine for us to be exactly who we were—all of this summed up the man who was later to become Sir Elton. Even the straight-laced, conservative Queen of England appreciated and endorsed him!

HE’S STILL STANDING (better than he ever did…)

As I write this, I’m aware that it almost sounds like a memorial tribute—and after recently losing many of our most talented celebs to addiction, I’m so grateful that he isn’t one of them…

Thankfully, Elton John is alive and well. In his own words, he feels blessed to have the life he has now—and he acknowledges that he worked hard for it. Not only did he strive in his musical career, but he also chose to recover from the painful throes of addiction by doing the difficult inner work it took for him to understand why he was sabotaging himself with these behaviors in the first place—for that is truly what it takes to be able to successfully recover from any addiction.

AND SO AM I…

This week—July 18, to be exact—was my 25th clean & sober birthday. I fully understand the challenging task Sir Elton has chosen to undertake, and I completely agree with him that this mission is never finished. We are all works-in-progress, and I know well that even though I’m now celebrating 25 years of abstinence, I am still an addict. Although I choose to be in active recovery rather than in active addiction, I am still an addict. And I know that if I don’t take good care of myself holistically—every day—I could relapse as easily as any other addict could. With this knowledge, I make my life choices today.

One choice I make is to share my story of addiction and recovery. I explain to people that we are not responsible for having become addicted, but that we are 100% responsible for what we decide to do about having become addicted. I talk openly now about what my past was like, what happened to me when I reached my ‘bottom’, and the changes I went through to be able to provide myself with the wonderful life I have now. I do this for two reasons: one is that I deeply believe that we can only keep what we have by giving it away, and the other is that I always hope that my story will be inspirational to someone else.

Although I don’t know Elton John personally, I believe that his reasons for talking about his experiences with both addiction and recovery are similar to mine. And I personally know that discussing these issues publically requires courage—there is a better than good chance that those of us who share openly in this way will be harshly judged by some people who are still having a difficult time accepting their own addictive behaviors—and being negatively judged by others is never fun. But there is a higher calling, a greater hope that our own pain and suffering—and our new-found self-respect, discovered only when we take the risk to partake in challenging but courageous acts—will help another in some way.

I know that today was not the first time Sir Elton has spoken in the media about his struggles with addiction. But today I applaud him for the courage he is once again showing by letting people know that if he can recover from addiction, so can they. And if I can recover from addiction, so can you. If anyone had told me that I would one day be celebrating 25 years of sobriety from drugs, alcohol, and several other addictive behaviors I would have thought they were crazy—how could such a thing happen?

AND SO CAN YOU…

But today I know how it can happen—and it can happen for any of us who make that brave choice to remain in active recovery. The way it happens for all of us is one day at a time.

Thank you for your wise words today, Elton. Thank you for being that beacon of light for us, regardless of what you may have done in the past. Although it is imperative for us all to acknowledge and make amends for our past mistakes, how we choose to live our lives today is what truly counts. I appreciate and applaud your courage, and I know that many people will feel less alone today because you’ve had the willingness to share your journey.

I welcome any of you who would like to make the courageous choice to move away from addiction and into recovery—if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

Will you join us?