Dear Candace,
My son has had addiction issues for close to 10 years, and his ex-wife even longer. His addiction escalated when his oldest daughter was a senior in high school. She went off to college which got her physically out of the situation, and her younger sister who was 12 at the time came to live with us, and is now 20 and in her third year of college.
My son’s addiction escalated to being arrested a few times, about three years ago he showed up in really bad shape claiming that he wanted help. We set him up at a local hotel where he detoxed. It was during the pandemic and we could not find immediate help in our area. I contacted a Mission Rescue rehab a couple hours from where we live who accepted him. He stayed there for 6 days and left.
I made it clear to him at that time that he needed help from professionals and that I would no longer be a part of his addiction, and until he got help and cleaned up his life I would no longer be here for him. Since leaving the rehab he was arrested two other times and spent two years at our local jail, and now is in prison and is up for parole in October. I need guidance in how to deal with him once he is released. I feel like he is going to try to contact me and tell me he has changed because of the incarceration, but I don’t believe anything he says anymore. I want to keep him at a distance, but if I interact with him at all I want the right words to say to him.
LW
Hi LW,
This is a difficult situation – and it sounds like you’re already very much on the right track. You’ve set some good boundaries in the past with him, and now you’re looking to continue practicing good self-care by learning how to set more of them. It also sounds like your granddaughter is doing very well in life now, thanks in large part to you and how you’ve brought her up. All of this is so awesome!
I would have to know more to be able to give you in-depth help about actual boundaries to set when your son gets out of prison in October. For now, I will say this – your son is the only one who can change how he lives his life. There is a lot of help out there for people coming out of prison, much of it free or low-cost since they can usually afford to pay very little for it. You are IN NO WAY responsible for the choices your son has made or is currently making. My sense is that you already know this, but it bears repeating.
If he contacts you saying that he is a changed man, I think you could say something like “I love you and I want to believe you. But you have broken my trust more times than I can count in the past and it’s up to you to repair that now. Because of what’s happened in the past, it’s hard for me to believe many of the things you say, and it will likely take some time before I do again. If you truly have changed, you’re going to have to show that to me with your actions this time, not your words – and this will have to keep happening on a continual basis. I will no longer be supporting anything that has to do with your addiction – and that includes believing you when you lie to me. The burden of proof is now on you – and I’m really hoping that what you’re saying is true because you’re my son and I’d love to have a healthy relationship with you.”
If you feel you need deeper help, LW, please feel free to fill out our Questionnaire so that you can have a free 30-minute consultation with us at Love With Boundaries. It may take having a few sessions with us to finally sort all of this out for you – but that could be time very well spent for you. For now, though, please pat yourself on the back for knowing that it is YOU that you need to change and for being willing to do the work to learn how to do that.
Here is the link for our Questionnaire – we will get back to you as soon as we’ve received it, to set up your call with us.
All my best to you,
Candace
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