Good Day Candace,
I need to know if it is advisable to provide a relative with her own apartment? She is still an active user. She is homeless.
My thinking is to purchase a small apartment destined to be for my daughter to live in. The apartment will be in my name and I will write in my will that when I die that apartment is to be transferred to my daughter’s name.
What would you advise?
Your input is much appreciated.
Mariamanda
Hi Mariamanda,
This is a great question! While I think it’s fine to purchase an apartment for your daughter to eventually live in (as long as your daughter is not a practicing addict) – the thing to keep in mind is that we don’t want to enable people who are addicted, because doing that will most likely keep them stuck there.
I would need to know more about your situation with this relative, and I’m already understanding that she is homeless at least in part because she is in the throes of active addiction. I know it can be really hard to watch someone we care about continue living that kind of life – and we sometimes feel that strong pull to “help” them, to at least do something for them. I am a firm believer that the most loving thing we can do and say to a using addict is “I love you and I don’t want to see you continue to be in active addiction. It’s not good for you and it tears my heart out to watch you do this to yourself. So – I will no longer support you in your addiction, and that’s because I love you, not because I don’t. I would like to help you in your recovery, so as soon as you’re ready to choose that for yourself, let me know and I’ll be there for you in whatever ways I can be.”
I know that some people disparagingly call that “tough love” and maybe it is. But tough love IS love – and how can it be a loving act to consistently support an addict’s addiction when that will not encourage them to choose a better life for themselves?
If you need help distinguishing between ‘enabling’ and ’helping’ and would like to get some help from us at Love With Boundaries, just click here and fill out our Questionnaire and we will be in touch with you to set up a FREE 30-minute Zoom consultation.
Wishing you all my best,
Candace
