• Phone Number604-677-5876
  • Emailcandace@lovewithboundaries.com
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Love With BoundariesLove With Boundaries

Family Addictions Counselling & Therapy

  • Home
  • Services
    • If You’re Addicted
    • Individual Counselling
    • Couple Counselling
    • Online Counselling
    • Clinical Supervision
  • About Candace
    • How I Work
    • Success Stories
    • The Team
  • Speaking
  • Media
    • Media Kit
    • TV/Video Interviews
    • Radio/Audio and Print Interviews
    • The Candace Plattor Show
  • Books
    • Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself
    • Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Workbook
    • Self-Respect Sunday for Your Soul . . . If You Love an Addict
    • The Truth About Addiction
    • Voices of the 21st Century: Women Transforming the World
  • Blog
    • Blog Archives
    • Ask Candace
    • Your Questions Answered!
  • Contact

Header

 

Candace Plattor, M.A.Registered Clinical Counsellor
Candace Plattor, M.A.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.

June 4, 2015 by Candace Plattor

Is It a Reason or an Excuse? Maintaining Your Self-Respect in the Face Of Life’s Challenges

Have you ever used a reason as an excuse for not doing something? If so, you’re definitely not alone!

It’s often very easy to confuse reasons and excuses. Lately I’ve discovered that I sometimes try to explain my excuses away as reasons—particularly when it’s about something I either don’t want to do or am fearful of following through on.

As usual, the more I notice this tendency in myself, the more I see that pretty much all of us do this on a fairly frequent basis—whether we realize it or not. Sometimes there are genuine reasons for why we can’t or shouldn’t do certain things. When that’s the case, we need to honour that in ourselves—but does that mean we can’t challenge ourselves to do more, to try something new, or to hold ourselves to a higher standard?

Although it can be confusing to distinguish between a real reason and the way we may be manipulating by using those reasons as excuses, it’s important to be able to tell the difference. When we use reasons as excuses, we often unwittingly keep our lives small and stale—even while we ask ourselves questions like “Is this all there is?” or “Why am I so bored or unhappy in my life?” Sometimes this16255007_s tendency also creates crippling anxiety and indecisiveness, or an inability to let go of a past trauma or event so that we can move on.

But the fact is that the more we allow ourselves to use excuses, the more stuck we’ll remain.

As many of you know from reading about me, I have Crohn’s Disease. This can be a very difficult illness to navigate—it’s often quite painful and debilitating, and there is no known cause or cure for it. When I was first diagnosed in 1973, I was one of the earliest cases known at that time. I’ve now had this condition for over 40 years. I’ve been very sick with it at times, and found myself quite addicted—both physically and psychologically—to many of the medications that the doctors prescribed for me for a lot of years.

But it wasn’t until 1987 that I realized I wasn’t getting any better and that my life was basically going nowhere. I found myself at a devastating personal bottom and, as a result, finally made the choice to put an end to my addiction. That decision put me on the road to recovery—slowly but surely, one day and one positive choice at a time.

It’s hard to believe that I will be celebrating 28 years clean and sober next month—looking back, it seems like it’s gone by so fast, even though it often didn’t feel like that in the moment! I’m a lot more holistically healthy now because I’ve learned how to take much better care of myself, which I continue to do on a daily basis. I still deal with the various symptoms of Crohn’s on a daily basis—it’s just not nearly as debilitating to my daily life as it used to be.

And I’m so grateful for that!

But even though I’m much better than I was and can live a fuller, richer life, I can still feel scared of becoming ill again. I’m now careful to deal with my stress in healthier ways and I keep myself on a strict food plan that I know my body can best handle. Even with such precautions, because of the unpredictability of the symptoms, my life still sometimes feels ruled by this condition.

I know that all of you out there who struggle with any form of chronic illness—whether physical or mental—can understand what I’m talking about.

Here’s an example from my life of how reasons and excuses can become jumbled up, creating heightened anxiety and causing me to feel lost and confused. I’ve been wanting to visit Asia for many years, specifically South Korea. Three years ago, I was planning to go with my amazing friends—I was excited, had my flight and accommodation booked and had even purchased the travel insurance for my pre-existing condition. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as healthy then as I am now—and deep down I actually felt extremely scared about making that long trip with its many uncertainties. One night, I found I couldn’t sleep a wink—and by the time the sun came up I knew, without a doubt, that I couldn’t make the trip. I got out of bed and started writing my apology emails….

I was totally devastated.

But to this day, I still believe I did the right thing. I just wasn’t ready—for many very good reasons. The last thing I wanted to do was go there and be sick—that was not at all the point of the exercise!

Fast forward three years: I still have the same chronic, unpredictable medical condition and I still feel like I’m somewhat ruled by it on a daily basis. But because I’ve continued to practice my all-important self-care, and because I have more tools with which to handle stress—and definitely because I have assembled a dream team of healers who assist me—I am stronger and healthier than I’ve been since my diagnosis 40+ years ago.

My friends will be travelling to Korea again in a few months, and they really want me to join them. What decision will I make?

12837807_sWhat I understand today is that I have a choice about how to see this opportunity. Three years ago, in 2012, I’d decided not to go due to a variety of very true and appropriate reasons. And even though some of the uncertain challenges I faced then remain the same now, if I don’t go this time, I fear I’ll be dealing with excuses that actually can be mitigated and handled.

I’m not sure I could live with myself if I did that—and that has become the gauge I use in every area of my life. Sometimes I jokingly refer to this as my vitally important Self-Respect-O-Meter, and I’m very aware today that I need to listen carefully to that inner voice. Can I plan this trip in such way that I can stay as healthy as possible? How will I feel about myself if I don’t even try?

Now I know this is a huge example—at least it feels that way to me. I could easily give you smaller ones too—can’t we all? I can be a great procrastinator, from doing laundry to writing my next blog piece. Although I can be disciplined, I am also a true fan of Bruno Mars’ The Lazy Song—I definitely have my days when “I don’t feel like doing anything, nothing at all.” As grateful as I am to be healthy enough to have quite a busy life today, I also give myself the gift of ‘jammie days’ on a regular basis—and I love every minute of them.

Trust me, I’m just like everyone else who sometimes wants to stop the world and get off for just a little while.

But when I feel like this, I make sure I’m honouring that as a choice—rather than telling myself lies about why I’m doing it. To rationalize and tell myself I’m not doing something because I can’t, is very different than choosing not to do it because I don’t want to. It’s really important for me to be completely accountable and honest with myself today—this is a huge part of what keeps me clean and sober. If I really can’t do something—and there is an appropriate reason for that—I will practice what renowned author Tara Brach aptly calls radical acceptance: “It is what it is. So be it. How will I choose to handle that restriction and move forward?” But if I’m making excuses from a place of fear or discomfort and trying to lie to myself, I know I won’t be able to get away with that for very long. It’s just easier now—and much more self-respectful—to ask myself “Is this a reason, or is this an excuse?”

So how does this play out in your life?

Perhaps you have a large, somewhat daunting goal like finally becoming free from your addictive behaviours. Maybe you know you need to learn how to set (and maintain) better boundaries with the addict in your life. Or it could be that a series of smaller issues are yours to address. What might you be avoiding by using excuses and telling yourself rational lies in an effort to get away with that? Will you be able to maintain your self-respect if you lie to yourself and others about these kinds of choices?

You can start by asking yourself this simple—but not always easy—question:

“What do I really need to do—or not do—in order to respect myself?”

Can you get past the excuses and accomplish what is necessary? As well, can you make friends with your true reasons and have your own sense of radical acceptance, if something really isn’t possible for you?

Instead of feeling any lingering shame about using excuses in place of reasons, let’s remind ourselves that we all do this from time to time—and that it’s something we can change. Let’s start by talking about what we’d really like to accomplish in order to feel our heightened self-respect.

Rather than allowing media commercials or other people’s opinions to sway us and stop us from doing things we actually can do—and want to do—let’s stop hiding from ourselves and become willing to live our own best lives.

Are you ready?

Filed Under: Self-Respect Tagged With: facing life challenges, honouring choices, maintaining self-respect, reason or excuse

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. square says

    August 31, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    Ӏ am not sure where you аre getting your information, but ɡreat topic.

    I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more.
    Thanks for wonderful info I was looking for this info for my mission.

    • Candace Plattor says

      August 31, 2017 at 7:34 pm

      Thanks – I’m glad my message was useful for you.

      Actually, much of what I write about has been gleaned from my own experience and knowledge accumulated just from living life! Wishing you the best of everything on your journey…

      Candace

  2. Gayle Donahue, Connecticut says

    October 29, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    In a Google search for “in the face of”, I came across your posting. Although I was thinking in political terms for my search, this put my recent procrastination right in my face! I won’t say that this brought an immediate paradigm shift; however, it is reminder of how my mental state has trended toward defeatism recently and way too many “jammie days”!
    Coincidentlly, I am watching a favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption, in which the main character has a great line, “get busy living or get busy dying.” If you have never seen it, try it out for it is a good story and really well-acted.
    Thank you for your posting, I have saved a copy of it for reference and a reminder!

    • Candace Plattor says

      October 30, 2017 at 3:25 am

      Hi Gayle – thanks for your comments. I’m glad this article touched something in you, even unexpectedly!

      I love The Shawshank Redemption – it’s a great film. I haven’t seen it for many years, maybe it’s time to watch it again?

Footer

Download afree chapter!

Download a
free chapter!

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself

7 Tips for Outsmarting Your Addiction

7 Tips for Outsmarting Your Addiction

Sign-up form

Download a free chapter and the free report, and you’ll also receive my Overcoming Addictive Behaviours newsletter.

You can unsubscribe at any time. Review our Privacy Policy for details.

7 Tips for Outsmarting Your Addiction

7 Tips for Outsmarting Your Addiction

7 Tips for Outsmarting Your Addiction

Buy Candace’s Award-Winning Books!

Buy Candace’s Award-Winning Books!

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself

hard copy | ebook | audiobook
en Français: PDF | mobi | epub

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself the Workbook

hard copy | ebook

Recent Posts

  • The Courage to Change the Things I Can
  • Boundaries on family trips
  • Am I Care-giving or Am I Care-taking?
  • My brother needs ongoing help for past trauma
  • My adult son wants money for his account in jail

TEDxBearCreekPark talk: How to Love with Boundaries

TEDxBearCreekPark talk:
How to Love with Boundaries

Candace Plattor speaking at TEDx

If nothing ever changed

“If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.”

Copyright © 2023·Candace Plattor, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor·
Vancouver, BC·website by nrichmedia

  • Instagram
Privacy Policy · Disclaimer · Terms of Use