My husband has been clean & sober for 20 years. I’m looking for help on dealing with addictive behaviours and self-centredness. I can’t find anything that is more about life after active addiction. Do you have something or can you recommend anything? MJ
Hi MJ,
What a great question! I think the same tools are important in recovery that were used when dealing with someone in active addiction: no enabling, only helping behaviours; healthy, self-respectful boundaries and consequences; and holistic self-care.
In terms of enabling – if you are allowing any self-centredness from your husband, where only his needs matter and he doesn’t seem to think about what you want or need, then really – why should he behave any differently than he is? It’s very true that we teach other people how to treat us – and if you let him treat you like that, then you are basically letting him know it’s okay for him to act like that.
You need to be setting such boundaries as “I love you and I want our marriage to work. That means that you need to understand and respect that I’m here too. Your needs are not the only ones that matter. If this behaviour doesn’t change, I may need to look at doing some things differently.” (You don’t have to know right now exactly what the consequences would be – you just need to let him know that there could be some coming.)
And if you’ve been allowing yourself and your needs/desires to be on the back burner in this relationship, then it may well be time for you to start practicing some holistic self-care. In other words, maybe stop waiting for a self-absorbed partner to see you clearly and instead begin to know what YOU want out of life. In my book Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, my chapter about self-care is the longest one in the book – that’s how important it is. If you haven’t read it, you may want to get a copy – if you have read it, you may benefit from reading it again.
In short – if you allow someone to treat you disrespectfully without setting clear, appropriate boundaries and without taking very good care of yourself, the chances are quite good that this kind of behaviour from your husband will continue to go on and on. My hope for you is that you will choose to start doing things differently so that this situation can change. Good luck!
All my best,
Candace
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