Laurie asks, what do you do when someone you love is addicted and abusing drugs, but when you try to talk to them about it, they continuously deny it. How do I help them when they won’t be honest with me?
Hi Laurie,
This is a common situation. You know that somebody is using, you know that they’re in active addiction, you know that you’ve seen the signs—they’ve changed right before your eyes. But when you try to talk to them, they tell you they don’t have a problem.
What we need to understand about addiction, about addicts, is that we need to be compassionate because addicts are terrified of two things that are opposite, but they relate to each other:
- They’re terrified that somebody, maybe you, is going to come and take their drugs away and not allow them to use anymore, and the way they know how to deal with life will be gone.
- The other thing they’re terrified of is that you won’t do that. That nobody will care enough about them to stop them and show them a different way.
It’s important to understand that both things are happening for an addict at the same time. When you’re trying to talk to somebody with an addiction and they won’t hear you and they’re arguing and getting resistant, what you might want to do is use a compassionate approach as opposed to being confrontational. You might want to say, “Honey, I know that this is a really hard thing for you to hear from me, but I want to help you. I want to let you know that I know that you have an addiction, whether you’re going to admit it or not. I want to be there for you if you want help. If you’re not willing to get help right now, that’s your choice. You’re allowed to say no. But if you do that, I’m probably not going to want to have a lot to do with you until you get to the point of saying, yes, I need help. I love you and I know you have an addiction. As soon as you want help, I am here for you.”
Approach the addict with compassion, but also set boundaries. When somebody is in active addiction, they will try to run roughshod over you. They will try to control you and make everything your problem. They may say horrible things to you, and that’s one reason why boundaries are needed. But at the same time as having boundaries, also tell them that you know they have an addiction and that you love them enough to do something to help them stop.
