LF Asks: When your addict is doing well, how do you manage the feelings of impending doom when you predict, like many times before, that it will go off the rails again?
Hi LF,
In the beginning, when families or other loved ones have the experience of an addict starting to do things differently and getting healthy and things are going well, sometimes the addict is in what we call a pink cloud. Everything is wonderful, they think they will always be in the same place, and everything is going to continue to be wonderful. I remember being there in my early recovery. For those of you who don’t know, I’m 37 years clean and sober now after a devastating 15-year opioid addiction through prescription medication for Crohn’s Disease. I remember when things were going well for me, and I was on a pink cloud, maybe for a week, maybe a couple of days, and then things crashed again. And sometimes that can happen for people in long-term recovery – the difference is that we don’t give in to the addiction and find a different way to get back on board.
This is what your question is about. When the addict they love is on a pink cloud and everything is great, and they’re going to meetings every day, and they’re going to their counselling, and they haven’t used, and they’re so proud of themselves, and everything’s wonderful, you might be on a pink cloud of your own. A pink cloud tells you that everything’s fine now. It’s all fixed. But that isn’t the nature of addiction, usually. The thing is, though, that people can come out of a pink cloud and crash a little bit without having to relapse. Relapse is a choice. It’s just as much of a choice as staying clean and sober. We are at choice with that. And at 37 years, I’m still at choice with that every day. If I don’t take care of myself, if I don’t make that choice, I could relapse. It’s my choice to make. Nobody else can make it for me.
It’s the same with the addict you love. They’re making their own choices. And it’s the same for you when you’re enabling or not enabling. The most important thing to remember is that things don’t just stay this way with addiction. They go up and down, up and down. It doesn’t mean that the addict has to relapse and start using again, but they can be in a bad mood. They can be feeling some withdrawal symptoms. They can be thinking, “Why not use? What’s the point of stay clean?” They can feel that hopelessness.
You, as the loved one, need to be able to encourage them from a place of love and say to them, “You’re doing so well. We’re so proud of you. Is there anything I can do to help?” If they say, Yeah, give me 20 bucks, you can set a boundary. “That doesn’t feel like a helping behaviour right now, but maybe there’s something else I can do. I’d be happy to take you for lunch at your favourite pizza place.”
Encourage them, tell them that you love them and you’re proud of them, ask if there’s anything that you can do and have boundaries around what they ask for, knowing that this isn’t a static situation because it’s full of emotions and emotions go up and down. Loved ones are sometimes on that same roller coaster right next to the addict.
When you need help, reach out for it. When things aren’t going so well and you’re not sure what to do, reach out for help. We’re here at Love with Boundaries if you need help.
All my best,
Candace
