Q: My son has suffered from alcohol abuse for 20 years, and he is getting worse. How do I know when to help versus enable him?
That’s a really good question because it’s important to understand the difference between enabling and helping. When we enable an addict, we’re doing something for them that they really can and should be doing for themselves and what we know today is that enabled addicts do not recover because they really have no incentive to do so. “Should” is not a word I use often, but they really should be doing these things for themselves.
A common enabling behaviour would be something like giving an addict money, even a couple of dollars, when you know where that money is going to go. But enabling can also look like paying somebody’s rent or continually doing things for them and getting no appreciation back. And it’s not always about money. Enabling could look like driving them places because they’ve lost their license due to a DUI. It could be allowing them to live in the family home rent-free and continuing their addiction there – being allowed to drink and use or be up all night gaming in the family home and not contributing at all to the upkeep of the household. Continuing to do their laundry for them and cook their meals for them are the kinds of things that allow addicts to stay really comfortable in their addiction.
And if they are comfortable there, why would they change anything?
Please understand that I’m talking about people who are choosing to remain in active addiction. I’m not talking about addicts who choose recovery, but even then we need to be careful to not enable because we don’t want to contribute to a relapse. When we enable anyone on a continual basis, they really have no reason to change anything that they’re doing. The goal is to make it LESS comfortable for an addict to stay in active addiction – or to make the choice to go back there if they are in recovery.
A helping behaviour is something that assists an addict to come out of active addiction. It’s when we do what we can to make it less comfortable for the addict you love. An example might be, “If you’re going to live here in our family home, you’re going to need to start paying some rent and contributing to the food and utilities. We can work something out that you will be able to handle. And we don’t want to have drugs, alcohol, or paraphernalia in our home, so if – for now – you choose to keep using, you’ll need to do that somewhere else.” The most important thing to let your addict know is that you love them, and that it’s tearing you up to watch them doing what they’re doing.
We need to tell the addicts we love, “We do not want to support you in active addiction anymore, and that’s because we love you. What we want to do is help you when you’re ready to be in recovery. You can let us know when you’re ready to do that. If your choice is to stay in active addiction, then you may have to do that by yourself without us because it’s just not working for us to watch you do this. So when you’re ready for actual help, you can let us know.”
In your question, you ask “when” it would be a good time to stop enabling, and I would say “Right now!” Addiction is a progressive condition, which means that this isn’t going to get any better if you keep enabling your addict—because, as we’ve established, there will be no incentive for him to do anything different if you’re going to continue to make it comfortable. Family members need to be willing to do what’s right for the addict even when it’s uncomfortable for them. It might feel uncomfortable for you to change some of the things that you’ve been doing, but it will ultimately be the most loving thing you’ll be doing for them.
