Q: And how do you balance raising the issue or concern with showing empathy and not damaging the relationship? How do you encourage them to get help?
The short answer to all of your wonderful questions is: “Very carefully.”
I remember when I was still using, many years ago, and a colleague of mine who was also my friend let me know that she thought I had a problem. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but because of the person she is I’m sure she had love in her heart when she said that to me. But I wasn’t hearing it. My basic response was “No, I don’t have a problem, and get out of my face.” The way that we need to approach addicts is with as much love and compassion as we can and with some empathy by trying to imagine what they might be feeling.
Just a little more about empathy – it means that you’re able to have some idea of what that person is going through and that you’re able to put yourself in that person’s shoes. When we put ourselves in an addict’s shoes, what we need to be aware of is that anybody who’s in active addiction knows that their life is a mess. They look around them and they see other people they know who are having very different lives without many of the serious problems that they’re having – with their health, with the law, in their relationships, and so on.
On some level, they wish they could have that better life. They also feel a lot of shame that they don’t have that life. If there’s a stigma around addiction, it’s the addicts who are putting that stigma on themselves more than anyone else is. And it is because they feel so much shame about themselves or their lives that this becomes the overriding reason that addicts are using, especially mind-altering addictions like alcohol and drugs. They don’t like themselves and they don’t like their lives and they don’t want to have to feel what they feel about that. So being high or drunk, or crawling into a video game, going to a casino, watching porn, whatever the addictive behaviour is, means that they don’t have to think about what they’re doing or feeling. That’s what addicts are going through.
A life of addiction is not a fun time. There’s a euphemistic word that people talk about: ‘partying.’ Addiction is not a party. It stopped being a party a long time ago. So if we can understand that addicts feel tremendous shame around what they’re doing, it can become easier not to heap even more shame upon them.
We also want to be able to come from an assertive place, not passive and not aggressive. When you’re passive, you hate conflict, and you’re probably not going to raise any issue that could bring conflict, so you may find yourself not saying anything at all. That’s generally not a loving act toward the addict, but that’s what happens when people are afraid of conflict, and many loved ones are. This may be true of you. Aggressive is when you come from a place of anger or resentment. When feeling this way, you might sound harsh and start your sentences angrily with the word “You”. For example, “You’re not doing well in life. and you should do this, and you shouldn’t do that.”
We don’t want to be passive or aggressive. The healthy shade of gray is assertive. When a person speaks assertively, it’s good to start with “I” statements, such as “I feel, I know, I want, I believe, I need, I understand.”
For example, you could say, “I understand that this is hard for you, and I’m concerned about you. I want to be able to help as much as you’ll allow me to help. I need to tell you that I’m having a problem watching you make the choice to continue in active addiction – and I’d like to help you come out of that because I care about you very much.”
When we approach someone in this way, we are coming much more from a place of compassion, of empathy, of concern. Even if we’re frustrated with an addict’s behaviour, when we gear ourselves up to talk to them, we want to come from that assertive place. You want to do it carefully. You want to do it as lovingly as you can, with clear and healthy boundaries that are respectful to both of you.
The next step is to set a consequence that will mean something to your addict. You might want to say, “I’m concerned about this. If I see you continue to use that substance or behaviour, I will need to set some boundaries with our friendship/ with you living in our house/ with me staying married to you” – whatever the situation is. A boundary without a potential consequence is not usually enough to get the addict’s attention – so maybe before talking with them, you can think about boundaries and consequences you’d be willing to set, again from a place of love and not anger. If you’re feeling angry – which is an appropriate emotion to have sometimes when dealing with an addict in active addiction – you might want to wait until you can cool off a little and get back to your empathy.
The fact that you’ve asked these questions shows how deeply you care for the addict(s) in your life. You can show them this by remaining as empathic and compassionate as you can, while also telling them the truth and setting some healthy and appropriate boundaries. As you do this, the good news is that even if they get upset with you, they will respect you a lot more for speaking your truth and calling them out on their problematic and inappropriate behaviours.
If you need help with any of this, please reach out to us for a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our staff. We have been successfully working with families and other loved ones who are in this position for over 30 years and we know how to help you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.
All my best,
Candace
