As loved ones, when we stay in denial or decide to not speak our truth in order to avoid conflict, we are basically arguing for our addict’s limitations. Sometimes, when addicts hear someone tell them the truth about how their addiction is affecting other people, they make the choice to relapse – perhaps to show others how emotionally fragile they are. But this coping mechanism is usually a manipulation, designed to teach their loved ones not to bother them – so that they can make the choice to stay in their addiction.
Sometimes Love Looks Like “No”: When to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
This article was originally posted on October 2, 2013.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction? What needs to happen for that to occur?
If you are in that situation, you have probably wondered about this many times.
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY
Several weeks ago I was interviewed on Talk Recovery radio, a new program on Vancouver’s Co-Op Radio station, dealing with addiction and recovery issues. I was honored to be chosen as their very first guest, and I had a great time talking with the interviewers about my book Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction and the work I do with the loved ones of people struggling with addictive behaviors.
The Question of the Day that was posed for the show was: Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction? Throughout our lively discussion, we touched on many important topics—not the least of which was the importance of knowing the difference between helping and enabling. At one point, one of the interviewers, Frances, quipped, “Sometimes love looks like No,” which I thought was just brilliant—thank you, Frances, for putting it so succinctly.
It’s so true—sometimes love really does look like “no.” We know that loving parents take the time to teach their young children not to do unsafe things such as touching a hot stove or running into a busy street. Sometimes there are even consequences for behaviors such as these that put children at risk, so that they will come to understand that they can’t do whatever they like whenever they like. In this way, children can learn how to think a potential action through to its logical conclusion—a necessary skill that can enormously assist a child’s decision-making process well into adulthood. [Read more…]
Justin Bieber: The Latest Casualty of ‘Enabling’
Most of us knew it was only a matter of time.
Not only were we hearing story after story about Justin’s “antics”—a media description that only served to minimize the severity of his actions—but those very actions were becoming more and more bizarre. Before today’s arrest for driving under the influence and resisting arrest, he was pitching raw eggs at his neighbor’s house causing thousands of dollars worth of damage—not to mention a sizable stash of illegal drugs that were found in his home.
Do we have to wonder how this happened—or is it finally becoming clear that the enabling of addicts only keeps the addiction going? How many more examples, public or private, do we need?
When we have addicted loved ones in our lives, we also have a choice to make—will we let them get away with really bad (and sometimes downright dangerous) behavior, or will we step in and make the boundaries clear? Do we care enough about the addicts we love to hold them accountable, or do we continue to be people-pleasers and yes-men, making excuses and turning our eyes away from what is really going on?
Whose denial causes the most damage—the addict’s or the enabler’s?
When loved ones enable, they are actually meeting their own needs, not the needs of the addict. People struggling with addiction may want to continue to be enabled—but what they actually need is for someone to love them enough to say, “That’s it, no more.” When loved ones enable, they are not acting in loving ways toward the addict.
People enable for all kinds of reasons—but the most common is that they fear any form of conflict so they dare not say “No” and risk the fallout that might ensue. This constitutes meeting their own needs, not the needs of their addicted loved ones.
And in Justin’s case—didn’t his entourage learn anything from what happened to Michael Jackson? MJ died as a direct result of enabling, as a direct result of people saying yes to him when no was the right answer all along. And of course, when money is involved, it’s often a game-changer. MJ’s people wouldn’t say no to him until it was too late—they didn’t seem to care enough to risk the anger and the fallout.
It seems that this is what’s happened with Justin too except—thankfully—no one has been physically hurt or killed as a result of allowing him to have far too much money and power—at least, not yet.
How could it happen that not one person in Justin’s entourage stepped in to stop his immature and irresponsible father from setting up a drag race at 4 o’clock in the morning, when Justin was clearly under the influence of mind-altering substances? Really, what is wrong with these people, how can they face themselves?
I’m not saying that Justin doesn’t have any responsibility here—of course he does. But unlike the ridiculous Rob Ford, Justin is still a youth at only 19. Even though I am definitely way past my teen years, I can still remember what I was like at 19—many of us can recall those days. Did I make positive, healthy choices for myself then? Not often—and I wouldn’t expect Justin to do so either, especially with far too much inappropriate influence and clout and not enough truly caring people around him.
Enabling keeps addictive behaviors going. Enabling feeds the needs of the people who enable, not the needs of the people who are behaving badly.
What if we all decided to grow a backbone and started speaking our truth to the addicts in our lives, to set healthy and appropriate boundaries with them, to love them enough to risk our own discomfort when they became angry with us? What if we respected ourselves enough to do the right thing and raise the accountability bar in those relationships?
Something magical just might happen.
Justin, my deep hope for you is that someone loves you enough to tell you the truth, despite the consequences that could occur. I know that Michael Jackson was someone you choose to emulate—but my hope for you is that the orange jumpsuit and handcuffs have been enough to wake you up, so that you don’t have to follow him into the grave.
Rob Ford’s Dilemma: His Denial or Our Blind Spots?
Unfortunately, Toronto’s mayor Rob Ford has become quite the laughingstock. He’s the guy people love to shoot down at the water cooler—and anyone who watches late night TV is aware that of the comedic fodder he’s been supplying the hosts for far too long. I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering how this situation has gotten so out of hand, giving Canada a huge black eye on the international landscape.
ADDICTION DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT
The way I see it is that this sort of fiasco doesn’t happen overnight. Although I don’t know him personally, my best guess is that Mr. Ford has some major entitlement issues—he feels he can do and say whatever he likes, whenever he wants to do and say it, with no realistic grasp of the repercussions or why they should be leveled against him. Instead, he believes that he is entitled to live his life this way.
On the one hand, of course we are all ‘entitled’ to make the choices by which we live, as long as we understand that there will be consequences to every choice—some good, some bad, some ugly. But I believe that Mr. Ford’s consequences have become this ugly due, in large part, to the fact that he has been enabled by his constituents, fellow city officials, and very likely his own family, to be a screw-up.
Having had my own issues with addiction for many years, I have some deep compassion for Mr. Ford. We use addictive behaviors to change how we feel, to not have to face issues that seem too difficult to deal with, to maintain the choice of not dealing with the realities of our lives. Addiction is definitely for people who don’t want to handle reality, and reality is for people who can’t handle addiction. Mr. Ford falls into the first category—and I’m grateful every day that I now much more easily reside in the second.
We now know that Mr. Ford has used crack cocaine, by his own admission. Whether he is ‘addicted’ to it or not is anyone’s guess—although most people who use crack on any kind of regular basis become hooked very quickly. In my experience, anything we need to lie about as vehemently as he did about his crack use is often true.
But this isn’t Mr. Ford’s only addiction issue.
THE HUGE PRICE TAGS OF ADDICTION
Clearly this mayor has a history of becoming inebriated with alcohol—which is a legal, mind-altering drug in liquid form—and we now know that he has driven under the influence, again by his own admission. According to the polls reported by the news, there are still some people who actually think Mr. Ford can continue to successfully act as the Mayor of Toronto and others who remain ‘undecided.’ I think we have to wonder how a person who regularly becomes drunk and stoned with an illegal substance can remain in office and do anything close to a good enough job. How deep is our own denial about that?
And if all that wasn’t enough, he has now made public statements disparaging women sexually. Who is this guy and why is he still in office? Clearly he has few behavioral boundaries and even fewer verbal filters.
For me, it is Mr. Ford’s third and societally sanctioned addiction that is the most immediate concern, as I believe it has become a life-or-death situation for him. However, because most people turn a blind eye to it, he is enabled to continue doing it. One look at both Mayor Ford and his brother, Doug, tells me that these men are chronic over-eaters, and have been for a long time. They are both ‘morbidly obese’, so designated because this eating disorder can very well kill them both.
Have you noticed Rob’s continuously red face as the cameras click away? This is not about the shame he ought to be feeling about his ridiculous antics—this is about his poor heart trying to deal with all the weight he’s carrying. Although Doug is not as heavy as Rob, there is really only a hair’s difference—clearly neither is physically healthy. And because all addiction covers up unhealed emotional trauma, it is also clear that there is a lot of inner work they both need to do to overcome these patterns.
An as Addictions Therapist with over 26 years clean and sober, what I believe to be true is that the massive amount of weight Mr. Ford carries around with him, and the tremendous strain this is putting on all of his vital organs, will probably take him out long before any drugs or alcohol will—with the exception, of course, of a lethal overdose of either substance. But because so many Canadians turn a blind eye to the issue of eating disorders—especially that of over-eating—Mr. Ford will likely not be held accountable to take care better care of himself physically. If the alcohol and crack (substances that are often used together) hadn’t become the priority, Mr. Ford would probably have gone on blindly consuming the inordinate amounts of unhealthy foods that pack that kind of weight on a human body—and one day he would have just keeled over and died. Case closed.
My hope for him is that the team of professionals who he claims are now ‘supporting’ him will very swiftly address the need for decreased food and increased exercise—if he, in fact, values his life and would like to go on living for very much longer.
ENABLING VS. HELPING
When we enable an addict of any sort—as Mr. Ford has been in my professional opinion—we are not doing that person any favors. Enabling happens when clear and healthy boundaries are not set for inappropriate behaviors, and this simply assists the addiction to continue. The very fact that Mayor Ford is still in office, after he admitted to using an illegal substance that other people are arrested for using, astonishes me. How can the higher-ups of the Toronto government say that there is no way they can oust him? How many blind eyes need to be opened?
As a therapist and recovering addict, I can’t help but wonder about the inner demons that so plague the Toronto mayor. What could he be running away from facing?
And even as his wife stands beside him in a strange show of solidarity after his chilling comments about prostitutes, it seems that the toll that all of this must be taking on his children is not being addressed either. What we understand today, in the addictions field, is that the loved ones of addicts suffer and struggle right along with them, leaving these loved ones with their own scars that will need to be healed.
The best way to remain in a ‘victim’ stance is to blame everybody else. Now that Mr. Ford is finally being held accountable for his atrocious behavior by those who have begun stripping him of his mayoral powers, he is coming out swinging—saying he will sue them and make their lives miserable. I wonder what his defense will be: “Yes, while I was the Mayor of Toronto, I bought and used illegal drugs, drove while drunk, publicly stated lewd and misogynistic comments about women—but, hey, what’s the problem? Why is everyone out to get me?”
If we don’t do Mr. Ford the favor of holding him accountable and help him choose to raise the bar for his overall behavior—as we would with any other citizen doing the things he’s doing—how will he live to get the help he needs to combat his various addictive behaviors and begin to live with the self-respect and integrity that we hope for in our elected officials? Now that he and his brother are being rewarded with their own TV show, I can only wonder how our collective denial can possibly be helping him take responsibility for himself and clean up his act—for the sake of everyone around him as well as for saving his own life?
What Rob Ford doesn’t seem to understand, as he sits mired in his own unbelievable denial, is that he is being given public attention now because he has become—by his own actions—a pathetic laughingstock and there are people who want to continue cashing in on him for as long as they can.
Let’s stop enabling this poor, sick man and start helping him to get well!
Image credit: noodles73 / 123RF Stock Photo
“Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: Surviving the Holidays” Free Tele-Class
Is loving an addict driving you crazy?
Are you at your wit’s end, trying to cope with this situation?
Are you worried about how to deal with the upcoming
Holiday Season?
All too often, loved ones of people struggling with addiction suffer right along with them, not knowing what they can do to help—and often doing things that actually enable the addiction to continue. For those of you who are loved ones of people with addictions, the holidays can be a most stressful time.
On Wednesday, December 4, 2013 at 2 pm PST, please join me for an insightful, free Tele-Class called “Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: Surviving the Holidays,” to learn tips and strategies for making the holidays more manageable and enjoyable for both you and your loved ones.
I will share some new and different understandings about addiction, as well as strategies to help you become free from the emotional, physical, and financial traps you find yourself in with your addicted loved ones, especially around the holidays.
In this tele-class, you’ll also discover:
- How to disengage from the urge to “control” or “fix” your loved one. Yes, it’s hard to do, but you must accept that you cannot stop your loved one’s addiction.
- How to help your loved one without “enabling” the addiction. You can learn to genuinely help your loved one without supporting their addiction.
- The difference between “self-care” and being “selfish”. Caring for yourself and honoring your own boundaries is the path that will free you from your struggle and pain.
There will be time for Q&A, for those of you with questions about how best to love someone with an addiction.
Join us for this insightful Free Tele-class—“Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: Surviving the Holidays” and receive tips for getting yourself out of the chaos of your loved one’s addiction.
Date: December 4, 2013
Time: 2-3pm Pacific / 5-6pm Eastern
Fee: Free
To participate, simply go to https://www.lovewithboundaries.com/about.htm and sign up for my newsletter in the top left corner of the page. In my next newsletter, I will give you more information about how to register. (If you are already on my list, be sure to watch for my newsletter in November.)
Photo credit: morguefile.com