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LoveWithBoundaries

Virtual Counselling in Addiction Recovery:
It Works!

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As we are all aware, the Holiday Season is coming fast upon us and, for many people, this time of year has shifted from a season of peace and joy to a period of misery and confusion. This year, unfortunately, addiction will be an unwanted guest for more families than you might imagine.

If you feel like you need someone to talk to who can guide you and your family through these often treacherous waters—but you’re also aware that accessing in-person counselling could be difficult for you—help is on the way!

Is Virtual Counselling the Best Option for You?

When most people think about getting counselling, they imagine going to see the therapist in person and having appointments in an office environment. However, there are many reasons why these kinds of in-person therapy sessions don’t work for everyone. For example, some people need to travel for work and are therefore often not home or available to meet in person. Others may live in small communities where seeking counselling might be problematic, either for privacy issues or because there may be no qualified therapists in the area. As well, some people may have health issues that keep them from being able to attend sessions in person, while others may live a long distance away from the professional they would ideally like to work with.

If you’ve been thinking about reaching out for help but have been putting it off because attending sessions in person would be challenging for you, you might want to consider telephone or Skype counselling as an alternative.

As an Addictions Therapist in private practice, I have been providing clients all over the world with telephone and Skype counselling for a number of years. These clients receive the same benefits as those I see in person. In fact, many people prefer the advantages of virtual support for a variety of reasons. [Read more…]

Attention All Loved Ones of Addicts: Let’s Come out of the Shame Closet and Recover!

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SEPTEMBER IS RECOVERY MONTH

Do you know that September is Recovery Month? I think it’s amazing that a whole month has been set aside as a time to honor recovery from addiction—this shows that the times definitely are a-changin’ and that a great many more people are getting the message that recovery truly is possible.

This is great for those who are struggling with addictive behaviors—from alcohol and drugs to gambling, to compulsive over-spending, to sex addiction, to Internet addiction, to eating disorders—and everything in between. I’m so happy that the stigma associated with addiction is being lifted in this way and we’re finally talking about it!

But—what about the loved ones of those who are addicted? These people suffer and struggle right alongside the addicts in their lives. They live in fear 24/7, with frustration, resentment, and confusion. They practice their own addictive behaviors too, such as codependency and people-pleasing, often with a severe lack of personal boundaries.

Are we talking about them yet?

Are they talking to each other?

FINDING YOUR WAY OUT OF SHAME

I am an Addictions Therapist in private practice in Vancouver, BC, specializing primarily in helping people who are caught in this struggle with addicted loved ones. Although there have recently been a few more resources popping up for them, there is still unfortunately very little help out there for those who are faced with this situation.

For several years, I’ve been hosting a Facebook page called Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself. A few weeks ago, in a newsletter I sent out, I suggested to the loved ones on my list to come visit my page and ‘like’ it—at that time, there were relatively few people there and only about 450 likes. But now, as of this writing, there are nearly 2000 likes and counting. A true community is developing there—it’s become a place where we can gather and support each other with compassion, understanding, and patience. We no longer have to feel so isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

It’s definitely time for those of us who are loved ones of addicts to come out of the shame closet we’ve been stuck in for such a long time—shame that results from believing that we have somehow caused our addict’s addiction and are responsible for making it stop.

That is simply not true—and I’m on a mission to help loved ones understand this.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ADDICTION—AND CHOICE

The real truth is that the addicts in our lives are making their own choices. Now, I’m not saying that people choose to become addicted—I don’t believe for a moment that anyone consciously makes that decision. I certainly didn’t, when I was in the initial throes of it myself. In fact, most people who do become addicted—to whatever their addictive behavior of choice is—believe that this will never happen to them. The other guy will get hooked, but not them! In their denial, they firmly believe they can handle the great harm they’re causing themselves. In the addiction field, we call this “terminal uniqueness”—when addicts believe that they’re so special and unique that it could actually kill them.

The irony about addiction is that it begins as a form of self-care: people just want to feel better. Unfortunately, addiction is a twisted form of self-care that only ends up hurting everyone it touches.

And the truth is that there is always another way to deal with a problematic situation or emotion.

Today, what I know to be true is that remaining in active addiction is indeed a choice. Whether or not addiction is seen as a disease, whether there is a genetic predisposition or it’s a learned behavior from our families of origin, and even though there is definitely brain involvement in addiction—underneath all of that, continuing to use an addictive behavior is ultimately a decision addicts make—and the loved ones are NOT responsible for that choice.

Today, what I know to be true is that we are all powerless over other people—we simply can’t and don’t make anyone else’s decisions for them. If we were able to do that, there would likely be a lot less addicts in the world! But because it’s not possible for us to make any addict stop using, choosing active recovery instead is entirely up to the addict.

WHAT CAN LOVED ONES DO DIFFERENTLY?

Despite all the funding cuts in the social services arena these days, there are still a multitude of services and resources available to help addicts who are ready to change their lives. There are detoxes, residential treatment centers, day treatment programs, recovery homes, mental health centers that also deal with addiction (dual diagnosis), 12-Step groups for nearly any addiction you can imagine—as well as many viable alternatives for those who don’t wish to follow those steps. The truth is that there is no excuse anymore for any person to stay entrenched in addiction.

No such luck for the loved ones of those addicts, however. The services for them are few and far between, so a great many friends and family members continue to do the wrong things when trying to help—simply because no one has ever suggested there might be another way.

And the good news is that there is another way.

In order to change what they can (themselves), loved ones need to understand that even though they did not cause the addiction, they have most likely contributed to it by enabling the addict in some way. Most of you know that you’ve done things you shouldn’t have done—such as giving money to the addict you love, or allowing him/her to live in your home rent-free with no consequences for negative behaviors. If you’ve been doing anything like that, please understand that this is not a loving act toward your addict, and it is definitely not self-respectful toward yourself. Please consider changing these actions into much healthier helping behaviors—ones that often halt addiction right in its tracks.

NO MORE SHAME!

Your job as the loved one of an addict is to practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and to do the inner work it takes to more deeply understand why you’ve been enabling in the first place. Your work is to love your addict enough to do the next right thing, over and over again, so that the addiction can actually stop.

You must not take on responsibility that isn’t yours. Stop believing that you’ve somehow caused the addiction or that you can somehow force the addict to quit if you just try hard enough. Stop believing that you are somehow defective because someone you love is making negative choices—and stop living in shame because of it.

Remember that September is Recovery Month…

Let’s hear each other’s feelings and stories. Let’s continue to come together in places like my Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page. Let’s learn how to transform our own lives—which is what we can and do control—and start feeling deep and healthy pride for the positive changes we’re choosing to make in ourselves.

Let’s continue to come out of that closet of shame and live our own best lives. The ripple effect may well be that as the addict you love sees you role model this new behavior, they will also choose to make healthier, positive changes in their own lives.

“I Know I’m Enabling But….” Recovery from Addiction in the Family

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After working for nearly 25 years with the loved ones of people struggling with addiction, I’m still amazed by how many come to their first session with me and say “I know I’m enabling, but…”

Do you have an addicted loved one in your life? Are you already aware that you’re doing things you probably shouldn’t be doing, in the guise of ‘helping’ them?

And even if you’re not getting the results you’re hoping for, do you still continue to enable them anyway—often for way too long?

A logical question to ask yourself in a situation like this would be:

“Why am I doing this?”

The reality is that there are, in fact, a few answers to that question. The first reason may be that no one has ever told you what you could be doing instead. As a loved one, know that what you’re doing isn’t working; in fact, in most cases, the problems continue and just get worse over time. But if you don’t have a clue about what actually can work in these situations, you may be feeling very frustrated, helpless—and quite stuck.

WHAT IS “ENABLING”?

A simple definition of an enabling behavior is one that will keep the addiction going. Here are a few examples:

* Each month, Randy gives money to his addicted sister because he fears that she won’t be able to buy food if he doesn’t—even though he knows that she spends the money he gives her on drugs. He’s even been known to drive her to the dealer to pick up her drugs. He tells himself, “At least I know that she’s safe here with me.”

* Julia pays her boyfriend’s rent when he’s lost all of his paycheck gambling at the casino. Sometimes that means she’s short of money herself when trying to take care of her own bills and other expenses—and she rarely receives a ‘thank you’ for her efforts. But she is stuck in fantasy thinking when she tells herself, “If I just love him enough, he’ll change.”

* At 35, Tess’s parents still allow her to live in the family home due to her longtime crack addiction and apparent inability to hold a job. They don’t set clear and appropriate boundaries about what is expected of her, so she brings sketchy people and illegal drugs into their home. Tess is often high while there, and she doesn’t contribute in any positive way, at times becoming quite abusive with her parents both verbally and physically. Her parents don’t feel they can ask her to leave—“What if we kick her out and she’s on the street?”

When this kind of enabling occurs on a regular basis, the loved ones lose their own sense of self-respect and the addict has no reason to do anything differently. The dysfunctional, addictive behaviors continue—because the most effective way to stop addiction is to stop the enabling that so often accompanies it.

ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY?

Often, a major reason that loved ones of addicts use enabling behaviors is that they feel guilty about the addiction in the first place. If you’re like many loved ones, you may mistakenly think that you’re somehow responsible for the addict you love.

But you did NOT cause the addiction to happen. You may be contributing to it continuing, but you didn’t cause it. Even though no one chooses to become an addict (in fact, most addicts believe they’re ‘special’ and can handle addictive substances and behaviors without becoming addicted), there always comes a time when addicts know there’s something wrong and that they’re in trouble. It is at this point that they have a choice—to either remain in active addiction or to begin some type of active recovery.

Think about it this way—if addicts didn’t have this choice, then no one would be recovering. Millions of people are in recovery from addiction because they made the choice to stop hiding from reality by using a self-sabotaging behavior. As the loved one of an addict, you are NOT responsible for the choices the addict is making. If you feel you are contributing, then it’s your responsibility to change what you’re doing. And once you do that, you’ll feel far less guilt and a lot more self-respect.

Remember: You can’t change another person, but you can change yourself. It takes courage for you to look within and to do whatever you can to contribute to healthier ways of being the loved one of someone with an addiction.

ARE YOU SCARED OF CONFLICT?

Another reason that family and friends of addicts enable them has to do with codependency and people-pleasing, which I see as one and the same. If you are codependent, then you’re putting others’ needs ahead of your own on a fairly consistent basis. You may have convinced yourself that you’re doing this because you’re a ‘nice’ person—and please understand, I’m not suggesting you aren’t nice. But the truth is that you may have an ulterior motive for acting this way.

Let me explain…

The real reason codependent people say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’—squashing down their own needs in the process—is usually because they are terrified of conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it, even when it means they lose their own self-respect in the process. Your need to people-please will have its roots in making sure there are no fights or disagreements—and this is because you’ve never really learned how to deal with other people’s anger or frustration or disappointment, especially when those are directed at you!

When codependents consistently do this, it can become an addictive behavior for them—and if you’re giving in to the addict you so dearly love and not setting effective boundaries, you are actually meeting your own needs, not theirs. An addict does NOT need to be allowed to get away with dangerous and disrespectful behavior. What an addict truly needs is firm, healthy boundaries with appropriate, self-respecting consequences attached to them.

And when you finally learn how to handle someone else feeling angry or disappointed with you, you will become emotionally free—which is a much healthier way to live!

DARE TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

In reality, addicts need their loved ones to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to remain in their active addiction. If you have an addict in your life, this is actually the most loving thing you can do for them, because it holds them to a higher standard and encourages them to take responsibility for themselves. The more we inappropriately behave as caretakers for people who can—and should—be taking care of themselves, the less belief they’ll have in their own resiliency and capabilities. The addiction will go on and on, usually just becoming more entrenched over time because addiction is a progressive condition that needs to be halted. In other words, if you love an addict, you need to stop enabling their unhealthy life choices in order to see any meaningful change happen.

And if your addict is abusing mind-altering substances, you need to do this before he or she dies out there.

Of course, the problem is that when you, as a codependent people-pleaser, start setting boundaries and making things uncomfortable for the addict you love, you yourself will become extremely uncomfortable too. We use addictive behaviors of any kind to feel better, to remain comfortable. But as the saying goes, life begins at the end of our comfort zones and, as a loved one, you’ll need to be the change you want to see in this situation.

You’ll need to love your addict enough to say, ”I care about you so much that I’m not willing to support you in your active addiction anymore. I love you so much that it’s tearing me apart to watch you continue to hurt yourself like this—so if you really need to keep doing that, you’ll have to do it somewhere else. When you’re ready to be in some sort of active recovery, I’ll be happy to support you in that.”

Not only is this a loving act toward the addict in your life, it is also the most self-respectful stance you can take, because you will no longer allow yourself to be treated abusively.

Letting our addicted loved ones know that we care enough to want a healthier relationship with them is often enough for them to understand that we’re not trying to punish them by assertively maintaining our boundaries. It’s acceptable and appropriate for us to raise the bar and require more of them—just as we’re requiring more of ourselves.

That is definitely the best way to love the addict in your life.

If you’ve been enabling an addict—and I know that many of you are aware that you have been—please strongly consider changing some of your own dysfunctional behaviors so that you’re actually helping instead. The pay-offs of making that change could be amazing!

And remember: If not now, when?