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LoveWithBoundaries

How do I know if I’m “loving my addict to death” as you mentioned in your TEDx talk?

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From Anonymous: I heard you say in your TEDx talk that we may be “loving our addicts to death.” That scared me – how do I know if I’m doing that with my addict?

Hi Anonymous, this has to do with the crucial difference between enabling and helping – and I’m so glad you asked about this.

When we enable someone, we are basically doing for them what they can – and should – be doing for themselves. When we do this with the addicts we love, over an extended period of time, we are actually taking away their sense of healthy pride in themselves for being resilient and learning that they are capable of more than they thought they could do. We deprive them of their pat-on-the-back moments.

For example, if we continually do their laundry for them, why should they learn how to do it for themselves? Why not just keep wearing their dirty clothes until someone else puts them in the washing machine and pushes the button to turn it on?

Without that amazing feeling of self-respect, addicts generally stay stuck in their addictions, rather than venturing out past their ‘comfort zones’ and trying new ways to deal with life. When we choose to do everything for the addict, the bar we’ve set for them is so low that it might as well be under the ground – and most addicts will simply decide to stay stuck in the laziness they’ve grown accustomed to. The bar is set too low for them and they come to believe that they can’t raise it themselves.

Helping is the opposite of enabling. We can help by raising that bar and showing the addicts we love HOW to do their own laundry – how much soap to use, how to choose the correct cycle, how to push that Start button – while also setting a loving boundary telling them that we won’t be doing their laundry for them anymore. We can even explain that we’re doing this because we love them so much and we want them to feel the pride of wearing the clean clothes that they themselves have laundered.

This is only one example – but the dynamic relates to many other enabling behaviours. And while it’s true that doing someone’s laundry for them won’t ‘love them to death,’ if we keep doing for addicts what they can and should be doing for themselves, how will they grow to be accountable for themselves rather than choose to remain lazy with most things?

When an addict is allowed to remain stuck in addiction, that is not a loving act on the part of the enabler. We may feel like we’re doing something kind for the addict – but if this kind of action on your part is continuous and more damaging, then their addiction is going to be even more consuming for them. Some of these more detrimental enabling behaviours include:

  • Giving the addict money even though you know where that money will go
  • Paying an addict’s rent and/or buying their food
  • Allowing the addict to live in your family home without contributing at all
  • Letting the addict get away with using all night and sleeping all day
  • Putting up with obnoxious and even violent behaviour toward other family members
  • Setting the bar so low for them that they are not required to either work, go to school, or be in some form of active recovery

Addiction is progressive – it does not usually stop on its own, and as we enable them, the worse it gets. An enabled addict doesn’t recover because – really, why should they? This is how we love our addicts TO DEATH.

We need to raise the bar for the addicts we love – even if that’s uncomfortable for us to do. We all know that addicts continue to die – whether by their own hand (suicide) because they hate the lives they’re living, or by accidental overdose. This is not news to any of us. By NOT giving an addict money, especially when we know where that money is going to go, we are doing the most loving thing we can do for them. By not contributing to an addict’s addiction in any way, and instead by using whatever healthy leverage we have in order to support them (and our family members, by extension) to get the help they need, we are loving them TO LIFE.

Thank you again for asking this question!
Candace

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How do I set boundaries despite my son’s anger?

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From Nancy A.: I want to set boundaries with my addicted son, but I know he’s going to get angry at me if I do. I feel scared because that has not gone well in the past. How do I stop saying “yes” all the time and set boundaries with him anyway?

Hi Nancy – you are asking one of the best and most common questions ever! So many loved ones of addicts are scared to set boundaries for this very reason. Please know that you’re not alone in this.

When we know that someone can be abusive or violent when we try to speak our truth, that can be very difficult. It’s quite tempting to keep saying “yes” under those circumstances. But when we do that, our self-respect takes a hit every time – and our self-respect is, in my opinion, the most important thing we either have or don’t have. Not having it keeps us in a victim stance for far too long, in many cases.

I believe what needs to happen is for you to get some help around increasing your self-awareness, so that you can understand yourself better and begin to heal. It will be important for you to know the reasons that you allow others to dominate and manipulate you. Once you have that understanding, you’ll be able to make different choices and begin (or continue) your own healing journey.

For now, until you feel you can set the boundaries with your son ahead of a difficult incident, know that you can call the police if he begins to act in a violent way toward you or anyone else in your family. That kind of behaviour is simply not okay for any reason – and no one has to put up with that. I’m wishing you all my best and hope you’ll reach out if you need some help learning how to love your son – with boundaries.

All my best
Candace

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My brother shows up in the middle of the night drunk and stoned

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addiction recovery

Simon asks: My brother has a habit of showing up at my front door in the middle of the night drunk and stoned. He keeps waking me out of a sound sleep when he pounds on the door and rings my doorbell. Sometimes he yells loud enough that he wakes up the neighbours and I have gotten complaints. I’m super frustrated but I don’t want to call the police on him. How can I stop him from doing this?

Thanks for your question, Simon.

The only way to really stop him is to set appropriate boundaries and let him know there will be consequences he won’t like if he keeps doing this to you. (It’s best to do this when he isn’t drunk or stoned. Perhaps you can take him for coffee in a public place during an afternoon so that any emotional ‘freak-outs’ can be kept to a minimum.) He is exhibiting very self-absorbed actions that are interrupting your necessary sleep and also upsetting your neighbours. What he’s doing is simply not okay, by any definition.

I know that you love your brother – even when you don’t like his behaviour. But here’s the deal: If you continue to put up with this with no difficulty to him, then why should he stop doing it? He gets what he wants – to be let in and tended to by you whenever he feels like it. The most loving thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to help him grow up by not enabling or supporting him when he’s in the throes of active addiction. That shift in direction on your part will give him a fighting chance of choosing recovery, rather than staying stuck in addiction.

All my best,
Candace

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My daughter’s boyfriend mistreats her

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addiction recovery

SK asks: I keep hearing stories from my daughter about how awful her boyfriend is, how bad he treats her and how miserable she is but she won’t break up with him. What’s going on and how can I help?

Hi SK,

The reality is that you can’t make her do anything, such as break up with him. That won’t happen until she makes the choice that she is worth more than the kind of treatment she’s getting, and that she is interested in building her own self-respect.

It’s possible that the best way to help in a situation like this is to talk with your daughter in a non-charged moment. Coming from a place of love instead of from a place of anger and fear – to the best of your ability – you may be able to reach her at a deeper level. You can tell her that you love her very much and are concerned for her safety if she remains in this relationship. Maybe you can offer to pay for some counselling for her, if you’re in a financial place to do that. If it feels okay for you, let her know that she can come to you when she is afraid – although you will probably give her the same messages when she does.

And depending on the relationship you have with her boyfriend, you may be able to let him know that you’re aware that there are problems in their relationship and that if he hurts her in any way, you will call the authorities. As with addiction, an abuser of people also needs to have appropriate boundaries set for them, with consequences that will hopefully be deterrents to their behaviour. You can let him know that the way he’s been treating your daughter is not acceptable on any level, and that you’re not going to sit passively by and watch this continue to happen. Doing this will, at the very least, encourage him to think twice before continuing to mistreat her – and it also may be the best role-modelling you can give to your daughter. Good luck!

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

I’m wondering if my husband might be using drugs

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addiction recovery

Charlotte asks: My husband is coming home late from work almost every night now. His excuse is that there are a lot of projects his firm is working on, and that they go out to dinner together afterwards. But when he comes home, he seems different and I’m wondering if he might be using drugs? I don’t smell alcohol but he always seems so tired, just wanting to fall into bed and go to sleep before we have a chance to have any conversation. This is happening a lot now and I’m feeling very lonely in our marriage. How do I talk with him about this without making him get mad at me?

Hi Charlotte,

One of the hallmarks of codependency (aka “People-Pleasing”) is a strong desire to avoid experiencing conflict at all costs – and this often translates into trying to keep other people from becoming angry, frustrated or disappointed with us. But when we try to live our lives this way, it unfortunately can take a huge toll on our all-important self-respect because this need to avoid conflict can keep us from speaking our truth when we need or want to.

It sounds like you really need some answers from your husband about what is actually going on with him – and you have every right to ask him about it. There is a secretive quality in what you’re describing here, especially because he doesn’t seem to want to discuss it with you. The truth is that if you don’t speak up for yourself and tell him how you feel, what incentive would he have to do things any differently? This situation could go on for a long time, if you’re willing to put up with his behaviour.

You might want to consider getting some counselling about what is underneath your own need to allow this behaviour to continue, and why that might be easier for you (in the short run) than telling him how you really feel – even at the risk of him becoming angry. If he makes the choice to get upset with you for discussing an important issue in your marriage, that could be his way of avoiding what is actually going on for him.

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.