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LoveWithBoundaries

My daughter’s boyfriend mistreats her

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addiction recovery

SK asks: I keep hearing stories from my daughter about how awful her boyfriend is, how bad he treats her and how miserable she is but she won’t break up with him. What’s going on and how can I help?

Hi SK,

The reality is that you can’t make her do anything, such as break up with him. That won’t happen until she makes the choice that she is worth more than the kind of treatment she’s getting, and that she is interested in building her own self-respect.

It’s possible that the best way to help in a situation like this is to talk with your daughter in a non-charged moment. Coming from a place of love instead of from a place of anger and fear – to the best of your ability – you may be able to reach her at a deeper level. You can tell her that you love her very much and are concerned for her safety if she remains in this relationship. Maybe you can offer to pay for some counselling for her, if you’re in a financial place to do that. If it feels okay for you, let her know that she can come to you when she is afraid – although you will probably give her the same messages when she does.

And depending on the relationship you have with her boyfriend, you may be able to let him know that you’re aware that there are problems in their relationship and that if he hurts her in any way, you will call the authorities. As with addiction, an abuser of people also needs to have appropriate boundaries set for them, with consequences that will hopefully be deterrents to their behaviour. You can let him know that the way he’s been treating your daughter is not acceptable on any level, and that you’re not going to sit passively by and watch this continue to happen. Doing this will, at the very least, encourage him to think twice before continuing to mistreat her – and it also may be the best role-modelling you can give to your daughter. Good luck!

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

I’m wondering if my husband might be using drugs

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addiction recovery

Charlotte asks: My husband is coming home late from work almost every night now. His excuse is that there are a lot of projects his firm is working on, and that they go out to dinner together afterwards. But when he comes home, he seems different and I’m wondering if he might be using drugs? I don’t smell alcohol but he always seems so tired, just wanting to fall into bed and go to sleep before we have a chance to have any conversation. This is happening a lot now and I’m feeling very lonely in our marriage. How do I talk with him about this without making him get mad at me?

Hi Charlotte,

One of the hallmarks of codependency (aka “People-Pleasing”) is a strong desire to avoid experiencing conflict at all costs – and this often translates into trying to keep other people from becoming angry, frustrated or disappointed with us. But when we try to live our lives this way, it unfortunately can take a huge toll on our all-important self-respect because this need to avoid conflict can keep us from speaking our truth when we need or want to.

It sounds like you really need some answers from your husband about what is actually going on with him – and you have every right to ask him about it. There is a secretive quality in what you’re describing here, especially because he doesn’t seem to want to discuss it with you. The truth is that if you don’t speak up for yourself and tell him how you feel, what incentive would he have to do things any differently? This situation could go on for a long time, if you’re willing to put up with his behaviour.

You might want to consider getting some counselling about what is underneath your own need to allow this behaviour to continue, and why that might be easier for you (in the short run) than telling him how you really feel – even at the risk of him becoming angry. If he makes the choice to get upset with you for discussing an important issue in your marriage, that could be his way of avoiding what is actually going on for him.

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

My husband and I are fighting about him enabling our son

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addiction recovery

From YJ:  My oldest son has just gotten his 2nd DUI and has been given a hefty fine. His car has also been impounded for 3 months. My husband, who is his major enabler, is ‘loaning’ him the money to pay the fine (even though we will probably never get it back) and has begun to drive him wherever he wants to go. I can’t believe this is happening! My husband and I are fighting about it constantly and I’m afraid we might end up in divorce court. Your book has been really great in helping me open my eyes about what not to do in situations like this. But how can I make him see that enabling our son won’t really be helping him?

Hi YJ,

The difficult reality is that we can’t “make” anyone see or do anything. This is language we all use from time to time – but because we live on a planet of free will, the truth is that we don’t – and actually can’t – control what another person chooses to do. So, unless your husband decides to see that enabling your son won’t be of any real “help” to him, he will likely continue to enable.

What I would suggest is that you see if you can have a calm conversation with your husband, where you explain your thoughts and feelings to him. See if he might be open to learning more about the difference between enabling and helping. Perhaps you can watch my TEDx talk together about how families often enable the addicts they love – and that this rarely, if ever, has a positive outcome for the family. After you’ve watched it together, maybe you can talk about some of the points I’ve brought up in it. (Here is the link for my TEDx talk.)

If your husband is going to choose to enable your son, you could speak your truth to him and let him know that this is no longer a dynamic you want to experience in your family. If you’re not sure how to do this or how to language the boundaries and consequences, this could be a good time for you to reach out for help for yourself – because even if your son decides to stay in active addiction and your husband chooses to continue to enable him, you can still find ways to live your own best life.

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

My girlfriend is a heroin addict, and it’s affecting our relationship

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addiction recovery

Mike T asks: My girlfriend is a heroin addict. It’s really affecting our relationship but I don’t want to leave her. I love her a lot and she needs me.

Hi Mike,

When someone is an addict, especially with mind-altering substances like heroin, they simply will not be able to be emotionally present with you. Your girlfriend’s addiction is going to take priority for her. This is why your relationship is being affected like that.

Loving someone sometimes means doing things that are difficult. When you say she needs you, consider this: she needs you to do what’s right for her – even when it’s hard for you. She needs you to tell her the truth and to set some healthy boundaries, all from a place of love, so that you’re not enabling her and are instead actually helping her to have a chance at recovery. When we enable addicts, we basically are contributing to their CHOICE to say in addiction. What we know to be true is that an enabled addict will not recover – because why should they?

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.

How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely?

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addiction recovery

Penny C. asks: How do I tell my husband that I want him to stop drinking entirely? He doesn’t seem to want to do that.

Hi Penny,

The way it works is that if loved ones want to see changes in the addicts they love, they will need to make some changes within themselves first. (This is a process, and you may need to seek out some help with it.) So what you can say to him is “I don’t want to live with someone who drinks anymore. I would like our relationship to continue, and I’m hoping you’re ready to stop. I will no longer be supporting you, in any way, if you choose to stay in active addiction – but I will support you in the best ways I can when you choose to stop drinking and go into recovery.”

You’re saying that he doesn’t seem to want to stop. Please remember that we teach other people how to treat us. If he thinks you’re going to put up with his drinking, then what incentive would he have to want to stop a behaviour that he feels helps him get through life?

All my best,
Candace

Have a question for Candace? Please go here.