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LoveWithBoundaries

New Year’s Resolutions? Try Intentions Instead!

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New Year's Intentions

In the immortal words of John Lennon, another year is over and a new one’s just begun.

Isn’t it interesting how we, as a society, agree that this is the time to give ourselves and our lives a complete and total new makeover? We have decided that at this time of the year we will revisit the year we’re leaving behind, dissecting it to see what worked for us and what didn’t. And on top of that, we need to make sure that we meet all of our “resolutions” quickly and perfectly or else we have failed – no pressure there!

While there is nothing wrong with re-assessing yourself from time to time and exploring changes you would like to make, the problems come when you allow yourself to over-identify with the “hype” of the season. It is one thing to make the overblown and often unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that you think you should make at this time of year, and quite a different process to take stock of where you are, in present time, to see what you might like to be doing differently so that you can live your best life.

RESOLUTION vs. INTENTION

My dictionary defines resolution as “the action of solving.” It stands to reason, therefore, that if we are looking at making resolutions, we will be focusing on problems in our lives that need to be solved. We will be looking at what we think is “wrong” with us and how to “fix” ourselves. Common examples of resolutions might be losing weight or going to the gym more often because we see ourselves as being too heavy. Whatever our resolutions are, the perception will be that something is wrong with us and we need to fix it.

An intention is different. My dictionary defines intention as “the determination to act in a certain way”. This has nothing to do with seeing yourself as a problem that needs to be resolved; instead, intentions are about becoming aware of different ways that you would prefer to be in your life. Some examples of an intention might be to become more patient with the people in your life, to treat others with more kindness, or to feel like you’re making a positive difference in the world.

In my experience, most New Year’s Resolutions stem from problems that people think they need to solve about themselves. Most commonly, these resolutions are often about decreasing “addictive behaviours” such as alcohol and/or drug use, over-eating (or under-eating), smoking, over-spending, gambling, spending too much time on the internet, or being in relationships that are not healthy

It is important to understand that addictive behaviours are generally used to avoid facing what is really going on in our lives. In order to avoid a variety of life tasks, or to avoid having to experience their true feelings, many people create destructive and self- sabotaging distractions for themselves. If you think this may be the case in your life, you might want to try doing something different this year.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT YOURSELF?

This year, instead of looking at something about yourself that you need to fix or improve, why not explore how you would prefer to feel about yourself? For example, if quitting smoking is something you would really like to do in 2020, focusing on the increased self-respect you will feel when you accomplish this may be more helpful than shaming yourself into it by telling yourself that you “should” quit or how weak you are for continuing to smoke.

In the same way, ask yourself how you feel about yourself when you consistently distract yourself by drinking too much, or by over-eating, over-spending or staying in a relationship that is emotionally or physically abusive for you. Would those inner feelings change if you were to begin taking better care of yourself? How can you best honour and respect yourself? What do you need to do (or not do) to feel that sense of inner peace and self- respect, and how can you translate that into an intention for self-caring change?

IT CAN HELP TO TALK IT OVER

Becoming aware of how you would like to feel about yourself and beginning to make your changes from that place will help you to be more realistic when deciding upon your intentions. This self-awareness will also give you more incentive to actually follow through on the steps you will need to take to reach your goals. You may well find that this kind of inner change brings your intentions to fruition more swiftly than trying to “fix” yourself from the outside in.

When you are on the threshold of inner changes, it can be useful to talk about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive friend, family member, colleague, or perhaps with a skilled professional who can help you make sense of what is going on inside of you. Remember to be gentle with yourself, as you are more likely to make your intended changes when you stop shaming and guilt-tripping yourself.

Addicted to Christmas Chaos? Taming the Madness this Holiday Season

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Addicted to Christmas Chaos: Taming the Madness this Holiday Season

Has anyone else noticed how early the Christmas chaos began this year?

I recall a few years ago here in Vancouver, a number of people became so disgruntled by the early onset of Christmas music in some of the stores—in the middle of October—that they took to Facebook en masse and complained. One store in particular, Shoppers Drug Mart, appeased the naysayers by stopping that music, but only after they drew their line in the sand, assuring us that the carols would resume again at the end of October. And they did.

ANXIETY FOR ADDICTS

Even before Halloween came and went, I noticed that several of my clients were already becoming quite antsy about the upcoming holiday season—for a variety of reasons. People who struggle with addictive behaviours—anything from drugs and alcohol to eating disorders, gambling, sex addiction, or relationship addiction—wondered if they would be able to maintain their sobriety when they began to actually feel the loneliness, fear, and isolation that they had used these behaviours and substances to avoid experiencing.

Those who have problems with compulsive overspending worried that they would max out their credit cards in short order when they went online or to the mall to do their mandatory Christmas shopping, while anorexics and bulimics worried endlessly about the food they would be expected to consume during seasonal festivities.

ANXIETY FOR LOVED ONES OF ADDICTS

As well, people who are loved ones of those struggling with addictions seemed to feel equally pressured, although the source of the stress was a bit different for them. For example, they frequently found themselves overwhelmed with difficult decisions such as “Should I invite the addict in my life to our Christmas gathering?” and “What if I try to set some boundaries and my addicted loved one becomes angry with me?”

The fear of conflict and, even worse, of actual confrontation can quite often keep people stuck in dysfunctional relationships for a very long time.

And because many loved ones have a pattern of putting their own needs on the back burner and trying to make things go smoothly for everybody, they routinely find themselves mired in their own personal versions of perfectionism. The source of their stress becomes issues like “How can I make this season wonderful for everyone else?”  And, more often than not, that becomes their own addictive behaviour.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

SOME HELPFUL STRATEGIES

Whether you’re reading this as an addict longing to be clean and sober, or you’re already in recovery for your particular addiction(s), or you’re the loved one of someone addicted to a substance or behaviour, here are some tips you can follow for making this season a little easier for yourself.

Tip #1 – Lower Your Standards

The Christmas holiday season has become a set-up for chaos. Think about it—jingly bells and familiar carols blaring weeks—sometimes months—before the actual day, decorations designed to entice you into ‘the spirit,’ plenty of well-marketed merchandise on hand so that you can oh-so-easily part with your money—not to mention all the ads on TV showing loving families that always seem to give each other the very best hugs and presents ever.

Is there no end to the commercialism and the rose-coloured glasses we are expected to wear throughout November and December?

We are completely encouraged to believe that we can all have the perfect holiday if we only try hard enough, buy enough, and put up the very best Christmas lights of any house on the block. As I said, it’s a set-up.

In order to survive this season intact, the first thing you need to do is lower the bar and keep your expectations realistic—especially if you’re a perfectionist. Having your expectations up there in the stratosphere can only be a recipe for disappointment. Although it’s good to have a plan, it’s also important to understand and accept that your well-intentioned blueprint might end up changing. Try to relax and see if you can let life unfold as it’s going to. And perhaps most importantly, you’ll need to use your sense of humour—with yourself and with others—when some of your well-laid plans inevitably go awry.

Tip #2 – Be Aware of What You’re Buying Into

The happiness and joy we’re supposed to feel in this holiday season don’t come to us through a credit card. Of course, this is entirely contrary to all the hype and crazy messages we receive at this time of year to buy-buy-buy. In fact, we are led to believe, day in and day out, that the only way we can be fulfilled in our relationships is if we give and receive the perfect, store-bought gifts and some Hallmark cards to go with them.

In my family growing up, there was always a big lead-up to opening presents and how wonderful that was going to be. Because my family was quite dysfunctional in a number of ways, that positive glow didn’t last very long. Once the cards were opened and the gifts were exchanged, we all went right back to going our separate ways—the warm, loving family moment lasted for about twenty minutes if we were lucky.

I wish someone had taught me then that being more realistic about my expectations would have actually brought me more ongoing emotional ease than the fantasy of the Leave-It-To-Beaver family—the one I didn’t have—ever could.

Seeing reality as it is gives us more of a chance of remaining holistically healthy and resilient during this time of Christmas madness. The best way to do this is to explore your own values and priorities so that you can decide—sometimes moment-by-moment—what is truly important to you.

You’ll begin to see that it’s not really about what you’re going to buy—it’s actually about what you’re choosing to buy into.

Tip #3 – Take Good Care of Yourself

Self-care at Christmas

There are so many things to do at this time of year—especially if you’re busy with families, children, and jobs. There are trees to decorate or menorahs to set up. There are festive cards to write and mail out. There are parties, and bake sales, crafts tables to make items for, and lunches or dinners with people you usually don’t see at any other time of year. There are special events at churches and synagogues, and there are special outfits to purchase for these functions, not to mention the gifts most of us buy for family and friends. There just seems to be no end to all of it—bop till you drop.

So ask yourself—Are there any ways I can reorganize? Can I delegate some of these tasks associated with the holidays? Do I have to be all things to all people?

There is a wonderful saying known as K-I-S-S, which seems to have originated in 12-Step programs: “Keep It Simple, Sweetie.” This is a great suggestion for life in general, and perhaps most especially at this time of year. Even with a lot on your plate, how can you keep it simple for yourself so that you don’t have to feel completely overwhelmed?

Many people who are in recovery from addictions have heard of the acronym H-A-L-T, which provides a wonderful template for self-care. It stands for “hungry-angry-lonely-tired.” When you find yourself feeling just a bit off but you don’t really know why, try asking yourself the following questions:

  • What do I need to do for myself in this moment?
  • Am I hungry? Is my blood sugar low? Do I need to give myself a snack or a good meal?
  • Am I angry—or perhaps hurt, sad, or confused? Is there an unresolved emotional issue that I need to deal with? Would it help for me to talk to someone about how I’m feeling?
  • Am I lonely? Has it been a while since I’ve seen or talked with my close friends? Do I need to set up a weekly romantic date with my partner or a play-date with my BFF? Maybe I could speak with a professional counsellor if my loneliness has been going on for a while?
  • Am I tired? Do I need a nap? Am I getting enough good sleep at night? Would a warm bubble bath or a soothing cup of chamomile tea before bedtime relax me? Do I perhaps need to consult with my doctor if I’m not sleeping well on a regular basis?

In recent years, Addiction to Christmas Chaos has become a widespread phenomenon—it happens in many countries the world over, often starting prematurely in October. Business owners and shopkeepers can hardly contain their excitement, as visions of wallets wide open and credit cards screaming to be swiped dance in their heads.

When you find you’re beginning to lose yourself in the Christmas Madness this year, you might want to try something different: keep your expectations realistic, be aware of what you’re choosing to buy into and, above all, take the best care of yourself that you can.

I wish you all a Holistically Happy and Healthy Holiday!

The Secret to Stopping Addiction in Your Family—Forever

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Stop enabling to stop addiction in your family forever.
Stopping addiction in your family forever.

Early on in my work with addictive behaviours, I noticed that most addicts struggle with addiction their whole lives, while a smaller group seemed to be able to completely recover.

At that time, I was about three years clean and sober—and I was intrigued because I wanted to be part of the group that stayed in recovery. So I dedicated my life’s work to figuring out what made the difference between the few that decided to remain in recovery while the rest chose to relapse time and again.

What I discovered helped me to maintain sobriety for 32 years—and it has also helped the hundreds of addicts and their families I’ve worked with as clients. Today, I’m going to share that secret with you.

Loved Ones Actually Have More Leverage Than They Know

What loved ones of people struggling with addiction need to understand is that they can be the key to changing their addict’s behaviour, thus reclaiming health and happiness for their families. In fact—they ARE the key.

Most loved ones feel as if their addict is running their lives, and they have no idea what to do to stop the vicious cycle they find themselves in. They feel increasingly frustrated because they have spent so much time and money trying everything they can think of, but nothing has worked long-term. They’re desperate to know how to fix this problem so that their families can have peace again.

If you are the loved one of an addict who is still in active addiction, you know the kind of pain this can cause in a family. You know the intense guilt and shame of wondering whether you are to blame for causing this to have happened—those toxic thoughts that keep you awake at 3 o’clock in the morning. “Is it really my fault?” “Am I truly a terrible mother / father / sibling…?” “What should I have done differently?”

But because few families talk about these feelings, they are not aware that so many other people also experience these thoughts—and as a result, most loved ones often feel as if they are all alone in this. Here are two truths you may not know:

  • Virtually everyone today, regardless of where they live, is in some way negatively affected by either their own addiction or somebody else’s—or they know someone who is.
  • Another person’s addiction is NOT your fault. You did not cause this to happen. The addict is at choice about whether to be in active addiction or in active recovery of some kind, regardless of anyone else’s actions.

How do I know this?

I know this because my life was not a picnic in the family I grew up in. There was addiction, there was heavy emotional abuse and trauma, and there were some devastating secrets that were wrapped up in pretty pink bows so that no one would know what was going on behind our closed doors.

And yes, even though my addiction began due to a chronic illness (Crohn’s Disease) that doctors didn’t know how to treat in the early 1970s—except to throw plenty of addictive medications at it—it was entirely my decision to stay in addiction for as long as I did.

The very moment I made a different choice—to stop using and stay alive—is when my recovery began. No other person could make that decision for me; we simply can’t do that for anyone else.

And now, one day at a time, one second at a time sometimes, I am 32 years clean and sober. What I know to be true is that my choice to remain in recovery is entirely up to me and no one else. The moment I decide to stop practicing holistically healthy self-care—the moment my Sobriety-Loses-Its-Priority (S.L.I.P)—that is the moment I will be choosing to set myself up for a relapse.

That’s how it works.

Enabling vs. Helping

This is a planet of free will, and we all have the right and freedom to make our own choices. I am totally responsible for the consequences of the choices I make, and I understand today that I cannot blame anyone else for any of that.

However, that being said, until we learn this vitally important lesson about free will, there is a pretty good chance that as loved ones of addicts, we’ve been contributing to the addiction—especially if those unhealthy addictive dynamics are still going on.

But here is the great news: If you’ve been part of the problem, that also means you can be part of the solution. And if you want things to change, you’ll have to discover what that solution actually is. If you truly want your addict’s addiction to stop, then you’ll need to learn the difference between helping and enabling—and act accordingly.

When we do anything to contribute to the addiction continuing—such as giving an addict money when we know full well where that money will be spent—we are enabling the addict. Conversely, when we end our enabling and start offering behaviours that assist the addiction to stop, we are helping the addict.

This is a simple definition, but it says so much. Some of us, as loved ones, are actually addicted to enabling behaviours in order to meet our own needs, such as being liked or avoiding confrontation.

But if you really think about it, enabling an addict is never a loving act. How could it be? If you’re enabling instead of helping, then you’re colluding with the addict and making it easier for them to continue the addiction—and to ultimately live a life with no self-respect and no real future, except for more and more addiction as the condition progresses.

If this is what you’ve been doing with your addict, please know that you’re not the only one. But it’s imperative to understand that in order for their addiction to stop, it is very likely that you will have to do your own inner work around why you’ve chosen that course of action.

It will be essential for you to discover why you feel as if you always have to please other people, to never say no, perhaps to feel excessively responsible for others—especially when you know that your own needs and wants have been languishing on the back burner for far too long.

When new clients come to me for the first time, they invariably—and courageously—admit “I know I’m enabling, but…” They often then go on to rationalize why they’ve been doing that. Most of the time it’s because they haven’t known what else to do, because they’ve never really sought out help or talked about it before.

But think about it this way: If you know you’ve been enabling and you know that hasn’t been a good thing to do, aren’t you an addict of sorts too? How can you be asking the addict in your life to change what they’re doing if you’re not prepared to change what you’re doing?

We Need to Stop Enabling Our Addicts

It’s definitely time for us to stop enabling addicts—in our families, in our societies, and even globally—and start doing things that will actually help them. That is virtually the only way to end addiction. Anything else is like putting a bandage on a heart attack.

At the beginning of this article, I said I was going to share the “secret” of why some addicts make the decision to recover while others continue to choose active addiction for a very long time. In case you’re still wondering what that secret is, I’ll make it very clear:

An enabled addict does not stop using.

The question to ask yourself shouldn’t be “Why don’t enabled addicts stop?” Instead, the question needs to be “Why on earth would an enabled addict stop?”

If you are the loved one of an addict who continues to choose active addiction, please become willing to look at how you might be contributing to that decision.

Remember: Enabling an addict is never a loving act.

If you need assistance to learn how to stop enabling, please reach out as soon as possible to someone like myself, who can help you with this. Because the truth is—if nothing changes, nothing changes—and it doesn’t have to be that way.

This article was first published on Recovery.org on October 9, 2017.

How to Help the Addict You Love to Become Healthy: The Family’s Role in Addiction Recovery

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Addiction is so rampant now in our society. We all know that more and more people are dying from the ravages of this horrific situation, especially due to drugs like fentanyl that take the lives of drug users in a split second. We simply don’t have the luxury of treading lightly around addiction anymore. We each need to do all we can to shift this and get the results that all families of addicts are looking for.

It IS possible.

STOP ENABLING AND MAKE THE SHIFT

So how do we make that shift? Many of you are probably wondering how that can happen. I’d like to tell you what I think – and about what is working wonders for my clients.

In terms of recovery from addiction, it is critical for loved ones of addicts to understand the concept of enabling – because until the enabling stops, there is little hope that the addiction will stop.

There is a huge difference between enabling and helping, and the faster we all learn about that, the faster we can halt addiction in its tracks. And yes, it is that simple – even though it isn’t always easy to change one’s ways. The ‘simple’ way is not always the ‘easy’ way. Most families who are involved with addiction know a lot about enabling, even if they have never heard that term – because they have unwittingly been doing just that with the addicts they love – and many have been doing it consistently for a long time, as they witnessed the addiction continuing.

Let me give you a very brief definition: An enabling behaviour is one that keeps the addiction going. A helping behaviour assists the addiction to stop.

When we enable addiction, we’re doing things like giving money to an addict, even though we know exactly where that money will go – or we allow an addict in active addiction to live in our homes even when they contribute nothing positive to the household and in fact do things like punch holes in walls, call us terrible names, push and shove us, bring illegal substances into our homes, sleep all day and party all night… The list of disrespectful ways an enabled addict behaves goes on and on.

And it doesn’t stop until the enabling stops.

LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENABLING AND HELPING

By the time a family comes to see me, they are usually at the end of their rope – in fact, the very first thing many of them say is “I know I’m enabling but…” They then go on to tell me why they are doing exactly that, citing plenty of reasons. What I know to be true today is that loved ones enable because no one has shown them any other way to deal with this horrific situation they’ve found themselves in. Once they learn the difference between an enabling behaviour and a helping behaviour, change begins to happen – often very quickly.

Helping behaviours consist of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and developing our all-important self-respect. If you’re a loved one wanting to help instead of enable, you’ll need to take your own needs off the back burner and start taking care of yourself. In most cases, you’ll need to do this first so that you can role-model this for the addict in your life. You see, addicts who are still using are not going to come up to you and say “Please set healthy boundaries for me!” No – those addicts are going to try whatever they can to manipulate you to give them whatever they want in that moment. Addicts want what they want when they want it, and they want it right now. Delayed gratification isn’t the name of the game for an addict – especially one still in active addiction – and they see their job as doing whatever they have to do in order to have their desire met – right now. [Read more…]

From Fantasy to Reality on Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself with Healthy Self-Care

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This post was originally published in February 2013.

Ah, Valentine’s Day, the fantasy-filled holiday that comes right after we’ve managed to get ourselves through another year of Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

Have you ever wondered whose bright idea it was to have those three holidays in a row? For many people, the 3-month period of December through February can be the most difficult and depressing time of the year, and this is especially true for those whose significant relationships are problematic. For people with addictive behaviours, as well as those who love them, their most important relationships are also often the most troublesome and rocky.

THE TRILOGY

Think about it—first comes Christmas with all its potential addictive pitfalls. It begins right after Halloween when TV ads try to sell us the concept of the perfectly happy family, stores begin putting up their colourful Christmas displays, and we hear those bells start to jingle. Compulsive shoppers spend far over their budgets, people-pleasers agonize over the right gifts to get so that everyone will be happy with them, gamblers worry about that elusive big win that will allow them to provide the fantasy Christmas for their loved ones, to make up for the grief they may have caused them over the rest of the year. Food addictions run rampant as junk food becomes even more plentiful and overeating abounds. And people with substance abuse issues try to hide from it all by getting high or drunk.

Are we having fun yet?

And then, just one week later, we have New Year’s Eve—a particularly difficult time for people who are not in a satisfying personal relationship or who may be in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At this time of year, all the advertisements tell us that we are supposed to be:

  • having tons of fun with our huge circle of friends,
  • drinking every alcoholic beverage imaginable, from beer to vodka to Baileys to Grand Marnier,
  • partying the night away with our beloved significant other.

Although it is true that some people do have that kind of experience on New Year’s Eve, many also feel very lonely on that night, wondering what is wrong with them if they don’t have that “special someone” to spend it with.

And now we come to Valentine’s Day, the third in the trilogy of difficult holidays for so many people. The fantasy involved in Valentine’s Day has now reached epic proportions: We are all supposed to be wildly in love with a “perfect” (read: physically beautiful with lots of hair on his head and no cellulite on her hips) person who will shower us with diamonds and expensive chocolates while gazing soulfully and lovingly into our eyes. In that same dream-state, we become the perfect person for him or her as well, unable to do anything wrong in their estimation. Life is beautiful!

FANTASY OR REALITY? IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

In my opinion, what the media is selling us, and what too many of us are still buying, is “fantasy.” As a direct result of the emotional distress people feel at these times of the year, it is no wonder that fantasy often feels like the best option. Because the use of fantasy works quite well to fend off pain and discomfort in the short run, this method of coping with life can easily become the favourite addictive behaviour of those who do not wish to see reality as it is.

If I sound a bit jaded, it is only because I have witnessed, both personally and professionally, the misery caused by expectations that are unrealistically high. When we are encouraged to be anything but our authentic selves, when we mistakenly set the bar too high for our actual, real lives, disappointment and unhappiness generally follow. And when fantasy is what is needed in order for us to feel worthy of being loved, something is wrong with this picture.

Loving others is a wonderful part of the human experience. It is a tribute to ourselves that we set aside several days each year specifically to show our loved ones how we feel about them. But what if we chose to do this in a more genuine way? Could we find ways to respect ourselves holistically and celebrate our love for ourselves at the same time that we deeply honour others?

The truth is that the way you treat yourself is the very foundation of the love relationships you will allow yourself to have. If you do not like yourself, if you are disrespectful with yourself because you feel you don’t deserve better treatment, that is also exactly what you will attract to yourself—other people who also see you that way.

It is simply not true that you have to wait another minute to begin feeling love for yourself. We are all worthy of being loved. But until you choose to love yourself, you will probably feel like a “nobody,” a fate that no human being—including you—deserves.

Valentine's Day candies

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS…

The great news is that the way you see yourself can change. There is a wonderfully simple saying for how that can happen: “Bring the body, the mind will follow.” So what if, this Valentine’s Day, you did something absolutely fabulous for yourself, whether you have a significant other to share the meaning of the day with or not? Maybe it would be something that costs money, like buying yourself flowers or a box of chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a few hours to celebrate how absolutely amazing you are. Maybe it could be something that doesn’t financially cost much at all, such as going for a walk in the fresh air or taking the time to call or email cherished friends and family members to let them know you love them.

The following are some things you can do to have a different kind of Valentine’s Day:

  • Plan in advance to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself, rather than with those who are a drain on your energy and your self-esteem.
  • Choose to volunteer with an organization that radiates love to our planet.
  • Find a way to give of yourself to those less fortunate than you on that day—for example, maybe your local hospital has babies who need someone to hold them for a little while, or perhaps there are animals at a local shelter would love to have a visit from you.
  • Rather than remaining “asleep” by continuing to believe one of the most dysfunctional messages our society imparts on Valentine’s Day—”You’re nobody till somebody loves you”—you can instead choose to make an awake, conscious decision to take care of yourself holistically on February 14th, while holding your head high and feeling proud of yourself. What a concept!

Whether you are in a healthy significant relationship with another person at this time or you’re not is in no way a reflection on your inner worth or your ability to love. And remember, you are always in the most important relationship of your life, 24-7—the one that you have with yourself. It’s very possible that you actually deserve far more than you’ve been giving yourself!

How will YOU choose to take good care of yourself on Valentine’s Day this year?