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LoveWithBoundaries

Matthew Perry: Addiction and Recovery

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Okay, I’ll admit it – I’m a “Friends” fan. I have been since its inception so many years ago, and I’ve been known to watch a rerun every now and then. That show told an amazing story of six young people with very different personalities, values, and opinions who simply loved each other through all of it and would always have each other’s backs. It was funny and heartwarming, all at the same time.

My favourite character was Chandler Bing – I loved his irreverent sense of humour and, let’s face it, he was some lovely eye candy back in the day. Being in the addictions field, both as a therapist and as a recovering addict myself, I knew of Matthew Perry’s struggles but didn’t know very much of his story – until now, with his decision to share it with us.

I certainly didn’t know that he spent approximately $9 million on his recovery – which I find incredibly excessive. It’s hard to imagine that kind of astronomical cost: he must have gone to a number of very posh country-club-type rehabs to even come close to spending that much. This man has certainly had his ups and downs in life, as all addicts in active addiction do – but a great many of his were played out in the media for all to see. That can’t be an easy way to bounce between addiction and recovery.

Matthew PerryWhy Matthew Perry Is Speaking Out Now

As I’ve watched Mr. Perry on the talk show circuit lately, the first thing I felt was compassion and respect for a man who truly wants to help. He clearly wants to share his story in order to make it easier for others to recover from addiction. Yes, I also believe he wants to sell his book – and as an author myself, I understand that. But I believe the difference here for him is the same as it is for me: even if I never made a dime on my book, if it helps families understand what addiction really is and how they can actually HELP the addicts they love so dearly – instead of continuing to enable them – then I would be happy.

I’ve heard Mr. Perry say recently that he wrote his book in order to help others come out of addiction. And while I think that’s true, I have an issue with some of the things he’s saying, and that is what I want to address here.

Clearly, the 12-Step model is working for him – and I’m glad for him. Whatever it takes to become and stay clean and sober is what’s required. The 12-Step “disease” model works for a lot of people. It worked for me, for about the first 10 years of my recovery. (I am currently 35 years clean and sober.) These groups are quite amazing and unique in several ways. There is the fellowship – being able to meet like-minded people who also want to have and maintain their sobriety. There is sponsorship for those who wish to have one designated person to help when an addict starts to wobble in their recovery. And there are a number of events to attend outside of scheduled meetings, such as getting together for coffee, dances, and “round-ups” all over the world. There is certainly no reason for any addict to feel bored or unchallenged as part of the 12-Step world. [Read more…]

How likely is it someone will relapse if they have several years clean and sober?

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Ask Candace

M.R. asks: I’ve heard that relapse is a “normal” part of recovery. Is that true? How likely is it that someone will relapse if they have several years clean and sober?

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Hi M.R.,

It’s more unlikely that people with a number of consecutive years in recovery will relapse, compared with people who are in early recovery and have a year or less clean and sober. That’s because the longer a person remains abstinent from the mind-altering substances or mood-altering behaviours that they used before to not have to deal with life, the more experience they develop to take the ups and downs of life in stride.

That said, what really matters here is not the quantity of time spent in recovery. What matters is the quality of that time. Recovering addicts need to learn how to take care of themselves in healthier ways – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This needs to be a daily, ongoing, holistic practice. As an addict in recovery with 35 consecutive years clean and sober, I have watched people I’ve known and cared about relapse, and sometimes overdose, after having 10+ years in recovery – and it has been heartbreaking for me every time it happened.

For some addicts, there can be a difference between simply not using and actually being sober. To me, sobriety means that we are doing the inner work it takes to become self-aware and self-respecting enough to remain abstinent from addictive behaviours regardless of what is going on in our lives – no matter how tempting it might be at any given moment to stray from that intention. No matter how much clean time an addict may have – from any addiction – if we stop taking care of ourselves holistically, we all run the risk of relapsing.

If You Want Your Addicted Loved One to Change, You Must Change Yourself First

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Expecting the addict in your life to change if you’re not willing to do the same is not only unfair – but it also won’t work well.  Although your addict is responsible for his or her own choices and behaviours, as the loved one you bear some responsibility for any ways that you have contributed to these dysfunctional patterns – and you must be willing to change those first, before the addict you love so dearly will be willing to change what they have been doing.

Addiction Recovery

Is it okay for a drug addict in recovery to drink?

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Ask Candace

Joanne asks: My sister has had problems with addiction on and off for about 5 years. She’s been to a couple of rehabs, and she has been clean now for about 6 months. We’re all very proud of her but we’re also worried. She was mostly using cocaine and pills, and because she wasn’t much of a drinker she now thinks it’s okay for her to drink socially since it wasn’t her “drug of choice.” Is it okay for a drug addict in recovery to drink?

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Hi Joanne,

This is a great question that many family members wonder about. The fact is that alcohol is a drug in liquid form. It is mind-altering and addictive, just like the cocaine and pills that she was using before. Even though she didn’t have a problem with alcohol when she was using those drugs, she could definitely develop a dependency on it now.

It’s important to understand that addiction isn’t really about the actual problematic substance or behaviour. What addiction is truly about is the underlying pain that people are unwilling to feel. When a person doesn’t want to have to deal with life on life’s terms, but would rather find a way to escape the pain or discomfort that unresolved emotional issues can bring, they will turn to substances and behaviours that will numb those difficult feelings. In a way, doing this is an unhealthy way of practicing self-care – people want to feel better so they find something that will help them forget about their pain. This desperate search to avoid facing reality can happen in a variety of ways, from mind-altering substances like drugs and alcohol to behaviours like eating disorders, compulsive overspending, gambling, and forms of internet addiction such as excessive gaming, watching porn or spending hours on social media.

If your sister is not yet willing to do the inner work it takes to become emotionally healthier and learn how to live life without the use of addictive behaviours, it is very possible that her “social drinking” will, in time, escalate into another full-blown addiction. And it is possible – and actually likely – that her increased use of alcohol will, over time, lead her back to the drugs she used before. Sustained recovery from addiction has its roots in abstinence from trying to escape from life’s obstacles and impediments. Even if there was no prior difficulty with alcohol while she was using other drugs, the choice to now substitute this mind-altering substance can easily become a slippery slope for her.

Learn How to Use the Serenity Prayer in Your Own Life

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The Serenity Prayer tells us that we need to “accept the things we cannot change” and to have “the courage to change the things we can.”  First and foremost, we need to understand that we cannot change another person, even though we want to believe we can. Although we might be able to influence other people, the only person we can ever really change is ourselves – and we need to develop the courage to do that when our thoughts and our actions aren’t serving us well.