Our 34-year-old son likes to buy things and gamble online. He is very lonely and doesn’t have much else going on in his life, and we feel sorry for him. The problem is that he isn’t working so he doesn’t have his own money. We’ve been letting him live with us without paying rent because he can’t afford his own place. Sometimes we give him money to gamble and buy his useless stuff with, but sometimes when we say no he takes our credit cards and secretly uses them. Some months we have found charges for as much as $3000 on our mastercard. We have talked and yelled and threatened him, but he keeps doing this. What should we do? ~ JS
Hi JS,
Yes, that does sound like an issue with a lot of layers to it. But the most important thing I can share with you is that we teach other people how to treat us – and if he keeps doing this, it’s because he has been allowed to get away with it. Using your credit cards without your permission or knowledge is not only disrespectful to you, it is also theft and fraud in the eyes of the law. I’m not suggesting that you press charges against him – unless you feel ready to do that – but if there are no consequences for him around these behaviours, then why should he stop?
I’m glad you wrote to me about your situation, and I think a few important questions to ask yourselves might be “Why are we allowing our son to get away with this? Are we afraid of his anger if we say no to him? How is validating his bad behaviour helping him? How is it a loving act to help him continue to stay stuck in this addiction, to the detriment of the rest of his life?”
As his parents, it’s very likely that you’re going to need to change what you’ve been doing in terms of enabling him before he feels any incentive to do anything different in his own life. If you need some help, please feel free to reach out to Love With Boundaries – helping families like yours is what we do.
I’m wishing you all my best,
Candace
