Loving an addict is never easy. In fact, it can be the most brutal task in the world. If you love someone with an addiction – a son, daughter, parent, spouse, friend – you will find yourself walking on a lot of eggshells, careful not to do or say anything that can be misconstrued or make them angry. But perhaps that isn’t the best way to handle these uncomfortable situations, especially at the Holidays. Maybe there’s a better way, an easier way than staying quiet and hoping for the best?
We must never lose hope when dealing with an addict – but we need to learn the ways to ‘help’ them rather than ‘enable’ them. When we enable an addict and do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves, we are arguing for their limitations rather than believing in their capacity and resilience. As a recovering addict with 38+ years clean and sober myself, I know for sure that addicts in active addiction can do better than what they are probably doing now. If you enable the addict you love so dearly, you are basically allowing the addiction to continue. An enabled addict doesn’t recover – because why should they? On paper, they have it made, while those around them do everything for them, from giving them money, to cooking their food, to doing their laundry, to allowing them to live in the family home and play video games, perhaps while drunk or stoned all night and then sleep all day. As you can see, there are many ways to enable an addict, and they will all serve to keep that person stuck in addiction for a long time.
Now that the holiday season is upon us, it is even more important to set honest, clear, healthy boundaries with your addicted loved one. A major question many families have is whether to invite their loved one to the gathering, either the one they are having or to someone else’s house, if he or she continues to choose to be in active addiction. One way to handle this is to not set any boundaries and just put up with their behaviour as if you have no choice. But the truth is that you DO have a choice – you can make this year different, for yourself, your family and especially for the addict.
This year you can let them know that you would love to have them at your table, if they would like to be there. This will mean that you expect them to show up clean and sober, and to stay that way throughout the gathering. If they do make the choice to drink alcohol or to use drugs, you will be taking away their keys and calling an Uber to take them away from the festivities – even if they live in your house. You will be letting them know that you have these expectations of them and that you expect them to be respectful of you and the rest of the people there. If they want to come, and if they are willing to abide by your boundaries, you would be glad to have them attend.
Although addiction can have its roots in past or present trauma, it is not a disease like cancer or diabetes – or Crohn’s disease, which I have to deal with. And although there is definitely brain involvement when a person puts toxic substances into his body, that doesn’t mean it is incurable or that the addict is “powerless” over it. More than anything else, addiction is a CHOICE, and the addicted person can make a different choice at any time. In other words, they CAN do better – if they choose to.
When not much is expected of an addict, that is what they will give you. And we all know that if nothing changes, nothing changes. For the families of addicts, they often find that they must make their own changes first, before they see any from their loved one. Think of how self-respecting it will feel for you to set healthy, clear boundaries – and how your addicted loved one will feel to know he respected both you and himself, as he made the decision to choose empowerment over powerlessness. I do not know of a better feeling than to succeed in that way, and it opens the door for more successes for both of you.
Please remember that you are not alone in this – there are so many other families dealing with these issues too. If you feel that you need help, know that Love With Boundaries is here for you. All you have to do is fill out our short Questionnaire to be able to have a FREE 30-minute consultation call with one of our counsellors. You can decide from there whether you would like to work with us, to learn about the difference between helping and enabling, about codependency, and about how you can start setting healthier, respectful boundaries with your addicted loved one.
And whatever you do, don’t give up.
To support our community during the 2025 National Addictions Awareness Week (NAAW), we are offering a different bonus each day, 5 are free of charge, and 2 are offered at a 50% discount. Visit this page each day during NAAW for that day’s offer.
The last free offering will be held on November 22, when I will be interviewed by Charmaine Hammond about Anchoring Hope, the theme for this year’s NAAW, and I would love to see you there. Learn how to truly help your addict – because change is completely possible. We know how to help you, and we look forward to hearing from you. Click here to register.
