It’s easy to blame somebody else for the way we’re feeling - or for what’s going wrong in our lives. But the truth is that, although others may be contributing to our difficulties, it is our own responsibility to change things if we’re not happy. And since the only thing we can really change is ourselves, that is truly the best place to start! … [Read more...] about The Courage to Change the Things I Can
Archives for 2023
Boundaries on family trips
M.W. Asks: What boundaries do you suggest for family trips? I've thought about reserving my own lodging, but that can be expensive. However, staying in the same hotel room with my spouse (an active addict) takes an emotional toll and discolors my ability to enjoy my stay. So other than reserving my own room, what boundaries could I set? Thank you. Thanks for reaching out with your question. I will first ask whether you’ve thought about the possibility of not going on this particular family … [Read more...] about Boundaries on family trips
Am I Care-giving or Am I Care-taking?
A brief definition of enabling is when we do for someone else what they can - and actually should - be doing for themselves. When we care-take others, we are frequently leaving our own needs on the back burner on a fairly consistent basis. When we are care-givers, we are assisting those who truly need our help because they cannot manage something on their own. Care-taking generally builds codependent relationships and helps only to keep people stuck. Care-giving helps to develop healthy, … [Read more...] about Am I Care-giving or Am I Care-taking?
My brother needs ongoing help for past trauma
Hi Candace, I have just returned from a crisis situation that happened while on vacation in Thailand. What was supposed to be a 2.5-week focus on my physical/mental health turned into discovering my brother who lives there, was so far gone with alcohol. A 26er a day of vodka, disgusting living conditions and had many people enabling him with $$ and a very toxic Thai girlfriend. I was able to get him 3 days after I arrived on Koh Samui to a facility I could afford. It was the longest day of my … [Read more...] about My brother needs ongoing help for past trauma
My adult son wants money for his account in jail
BD Asks: I have an adult son who is an alcohol/drug addict. He has been in and out of treatments and jail multiple times. He is in jail right now and wants me to put money on his account so he can get extra food and make phone calls. I am torn as to what I should do, I don’t want to enable him anymore as I know I have been. But I also know when he is not using he eats like he is starving… I don’t know what to do? --- Hello, thank you for submitting your question to “Ask Candace”. I’m very … [Read more...] about My adult son wants money for his account in jail