fbpx

LoveWithBoundaries

Archives for 2013

Even More Recovery in Vancouver: Our 2nd Annual Recovery Day is Coming Soon!

by

It’s hard to believe that a whole year has gone by since our last Recovery Day here in Vancouver. Some of you may remember my VO blog post about it at that time: http://www.vancouverobserver.com/blogs/psyched/clean-and-sober-vancouver

What a great day it was! There was excitement in the air as those in recovery, as well as many of their loved ones, laughed and sang and danced together on the lawn of the Art Gallery in Downtown Vancouver. Children enjoyed the face painting and balloons that were freely given. Many addiction resources such as treatment centers, detoxes, and recovery homes manned their tables full of information for those who were looking for assistance with their own addiction or for someone they love. There was also an opportunity for loved ones to talk to therapists like myself, who specialize in working with those who are in significant relationships with people who have addictions.

And when the tally of clean & sober time of everyone in attendance was complete, there were approximately 1500+ years of recovery represented – how awesome is that?

This year, the 2nd Annual Rally for Recovery will take place on Recovery Day in Vancouver, as well as in 10 other cities in Canada and many in the US, simultaneously. Ours is happening on September 8th in the same location as last year: the front lawn of the Art Gallery downtown from noon-3 pm.

Last year’s turnout was fantastic – and we’re hoping that this year there will be even more people coming out to the Recovery Day event. Once again there will be info tables, talks, testimonials, singing – and lots of laughter. We will be tallying all the recovery time again this year – so come on out and know that your sobriety time counts. Let’s all be part of this magical, miraculous celebration!

If you are an addict (of any kind) in recovery, the loved one of an addict (whether in recovery or not), or someone who is still struggling with addiction and would like some information about the help that is available to you – please join us – Everyone Is Welcome!

For more information, please go to http://www.recoveryday.ca, and to read more about the history of Recovery Day and how it got started, click here: http://www.recoveryday.ca/#!what-is-recovery-day-/aboutPage

Photos courtesy of Orchard Recovery.

Cory Monteith’s Death: What Was He Thinking?

by

I can’t tell you how odd I felt when I realized that I had passed by the very hotel Cory Monteith died in, just several hours before his overdose. For those of you who know Vancouver, I’d been at a tourist attraction at Canada Place with an out-of-town friend on Friday. On our way to lunch, we walked right by the Fairmont Pacific Rim Hotel a mere 24 hours before his body was discovered.

This is not a ‘claim to fame’ I would have knowingly chosen. I hate the fact that Cory Monteith is dead, and what I hate even worse is that he died, apparently accidentally, from a lethal combination of alcohol and heroin.  As the TV commercials say—preventable.

Cory was not a favorite actor of mine and I didn’t watch Glee very often. For me, his death is not about mourning him as a cherished celebrity, as I know it is for his many fans. For me it is about one more person who has died as a result of alcohol and drug abuse. Even though I totally understand how this can happen, my heart breaks every time it does.

WHO WAS CORY, REALLY?

The people who knew Cory personally are all describing him as “creative” and “talented” and “nice”. The truth is that many addicts are all of these things—most of the addicts I know, myself included, are nice people—and many of us are also very bright and creative. Why, then, do we find ourselves addicted to mind-altering substances? And—why do wonderful people like Cory Monteith relapse to the point of killing themselves?

Of course I can never know this for sure, but I don’t think Cory meant to die. I think, or at least I hope, it was the tragic accident most people believe it to be. The irony is that he had just recently come out of another stay in treatment, the very place where addicts discover the underlying reasons that they sabotage their lives in the hopes of not having to repeat these behaviors.

So—what happened?

I am an addict. I’ve been in recovery for many years, without any relapses, one day at a time. What I know to be true is that staying clean and sober takes work—hard, daily, inner work. That work needs to be continuous because we have to stay on top of our addiction at all times or it can overtake us.

We’re learning that Cory had many problems growing up and attended a number of different schools before dropping out at the age of 16. We also know now that he began his substance misuse at about 12 years old. My question would be why there weren’t adults around to help him—do schools just kick out troubled kids without offering them the help they need? How could he have fallen through the cracks so badly?

And although as an Addictions Therapist I know very well that I cannot help anyone who is not ready to accept the help, I wonder if the staff of the treatment center Cory most recently entered saw any red flags—or was Cory, by this time in his checkered addiction career, able to snow them all by being that ‘nice guy’ and doing what he was told, at least on the surface?

HOW RELAPSE CAN HAPPEN

When people relapse, they often call it a ‘slip’. But I think the acronym for that word says it all: addicts slip when Sobriety Lose Its Priority. And I believe that’s what happened with Cory. For whatever reason (maybe to escape some still unresolved inner demons?), it was more important to him to get high than it was to stay clean and sober. That’s why he used that night.

I’m so sad he made that decision.

Another part of the relapse equation is the reality of tolerance. Addiction is truly a progressive condition. When recovering addicts haven’t abused substances for a while, their bodies get used to being clean machines. Most will say how terrific it feels to not be putting that poison into their systems when they’ve become abstinent, even for a short while. When an addict decides to use again, it is often with the same intensity that they used before. It doesn’t take long at all for their bodies to need more and more of the substance (or other addictive behavior) in order to provide the same high.

Some media reports say that Cory was leading a ‘double life’—that he was clean and sober while working in LA but would come to Vancouver to party. Of course I have no way of knowing the validity of this, but it’s very likely that Cory’s body may not have been used to the amount of alcohol and heroin that he fed himself that fateful night. And it’s even more likely that he was unaware of how this toxic combination could affect him.

FOR CORY’S LOVED ONES

As a therapist who works primarily with the loved ones of people struggling with addiction, my heart goes out to Cory’s family and close friends. There will undoubtedly be a sense of guilt and remorse—along with the tremendous sadness and grief they feel—wondering if they did enough for Cory, or why they didn’t realize the kind of potential jeopardy he was in. My hope for all of them is that they will get some support for themselves, either in a support group like Al-Anon/Nar-Anon or perhaps with a professional counselor who can help them with their pain over this tragic loss of someone they loved dearly.

If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction—and perhaps with chronic relapses—please allow yourself to get the help you need. Lasting recovery from addiction is possible.

I deeply hope that Cory’s tragic, unnecessary death will once again shine a light on the horrific problems that substance addiction causes. All over the world—certainly here in Canada—we need less budget cuts for social programs and more funding wisely spent on prevention and treatment.

Thank you for your contributions to the world, Cory.

May you now rest in peace.

 

Photo credit: blogs.etcanada.com

You can follow Candace’s Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page here by clicking ‘Like’:

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook

About Matthew Perry

by

Last week I did something I rarely do anymore—I bought a People Magazine.

I used to buy one faithfully, every week, pouring over it to see what was going on with the rich and beautiful who seemed to have much more interesting lives than the one I was living at the time. Even today, whenever I travel, I always allow myself to buy a People Magazine and devour it from top to bottom. Along with luscious dark chocolate, this is one of my guilty little pleasures that I don’t indulge in very often anymore.

But last week Matthew Perry was on the cover, and the story was about his recovery from drug addiction. As an Addictions Therapist and a recovering addict with almost 26 years of sobriety, how could I resist?

I’ve always enjoyed Matthew Perry as an actor—he was my favorite Friend and I loved him on the West Wing as well. Like the rest of the world, I became aware of his powerful addiction years ago when he ran his car into someone’s house, and because I understand addiction first-hand I felt a lot of compassion for him. How humbling it would be to do such a thing with so much public scrutiny! So when I saw that he was finally ready to talk about his experience, I was definitely ready to listen.

Unfortunately, when I read the article I came away somewhat disappointed. I’m always happy to hear about people turning their lives around, and I think what Matthew has done in opening a Sober Living house is wonderful; it looks like a beautiful place. And his mission to work with drug courts to help non-violent addicts receive treatment instead of jail time is outstanding. Way to go, Matthew!

But what he doesn’t talk about in this People article is what his choice point was for his recovery—what actually happened that finally got him to that place where he was ready to make the decision to truly stop his addiction?

Now, I understand that Matthew doesn’t owe it to us to go into details about this. Just because he is a public figure doesn’t mean we have the right to demand private details of his life. But as that public figure, as a role model to countless others who struggle with addiction, I think that it might have been helpful and perhaps inspiring information to share with us.

I don’t believe that anyone signs up to become an addict. None of us say to ourselves “Gee, I think I’ll go out and become addicted, that will be a fun way to live my life!” In fact, most of us think that will never happen to us, that we can handle indulging in a progressive manner without ever developing a problem. We don’t take brain science into account, nor do we decide to learn from the negative experiences of others. Such is the strong denial that accompanies addiction.

But even though we are not responsible for becoming addicted in the first place, I do believe that all addicts—regardless of the substances or behaviors they choose—know somewhere within themselves that by continuing their addictive behaviors they are hurting themselves as well as those who love them. I know that I was aware of that, even when I was in my buzzy active addiction—I just chose not to pay heed to that awareness so that I could continue using to my heart’s content—until I was done.

Some people consider addiction to be a brain disease. Some also feel strongly that there may be a genetic predisposition for mind-altering substances. Many of us have learned, in our families of origin, to use a variety of addictive behaviors in times of stress. Whatever the case is for each of us, what I believe to be most important is what we choose to do about the fact that we have, indeed, become addicted. For every addict who is in active recovery, they asked themselves this question at some point – will I continue engaging in my self-sabotaging ways or will I stop? And when the addict asked that question and chose to stop, true recovery was then possible.

Although it may seem that I’m simplifying this, the truth remains that it is simple. It’s just not easy, at least not for most addicts who are ready to stop.

Every single one of us who is now in recovery from addiction came to that choice-point. I would be curious to know what happened that brought Matthew Perry to his. Maybe someday he’ll choose to tell us.

For now, I’m glad he’s clean and sober—and I hope he continues doing the vitally important inner work that allows all of us to stay that way, one day at a time. Photo credit: people.com

 

You can follow Candace’s Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page here by clicking ‘Like’:

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook

What if… Addiction Isn’t Really a “Disease”?

by

Almost 26 years ago, on July 18, 1987, I made the decision to stop my addiction and begin my recovery in earnest.

MY STORY

I started by going to daily meetings of both Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous—sometimes three meetings a day, when I was feeling particularly at-risk for relapse. From there, I gravitated into the rooms of Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), and Codependents Anonymous (Coda) in order to develop a deeper understanding of where my addiction began. Although I consistently struggled with feelings of not fitting in—one of the stories of my life—there was definitely something comforting about being in a room full of people who were experiencing many of the same problems as I was—and choosing the same format of recovery.

At the time, I’d had Crohn’s Disease for 14 years, having been initially diagnosed in 1973. After taking addictive medications prescribed to me by physicians for all that time—as well as some other mind-altering substances that I self-prescribed—I found myself at a massive, suicidal bottom. Those 12-Step meetings quite literally saved my life.

I think I stopped going to meetings somewhere around my 10th year of recovery. It wasn’t so much that I felt I didn’t need a program of recovery anymore—although by that time, I was quite solid in my choice to continue living the new and improved life I’d been creating for myself. I knew that if I ever felt like I needed a 12-Step meeting, I’d go to one. The same is true for me today.

QUESTIONING THE “DISEASE MODEL”

In those early days, I tried to go along with everything I heard in the meetings because I really, deeply wanted to recover. But I have to admit I had trouble with some of it. The concept I had the most problem with was the notion that addiction is a disease just like other medical diseases.

The most recent argument in favor of this comes from the understanding that there is brain involvement in addiction. As captivating and useful as much of this current research is, I know that there is also brain involvement when I lift my little pinky—there is brain involvement in everything we do, that’s how we’re wired. For me, this is not a particularly compelling argument for addiction being included in the medical model.

I have a medical illness. I can’t just say, “Gee, I think I won’t have Crohn’s Disease anymore.” Neither can someone who has cancer or diabetes or any illness like that. But we can do exactly that with addiction—and millions of recovering addicts the world over are proof of this. Addiction can be arrested and recovery is then possible.

Of course, it’s not that easy—invariably there is some difficult, uncomfortable inner work required in the process. However, in my own experience, as well as the experience of so many of my clients, going inward in this way often creates an amazing personal journey that leads directly into a much better life.

The brain studies that show how our ‘reward’ or ‘pleasure’ centers in the brain light up when we ingest something we enjoy are fascinating—and important. These centers in our brains also light up when we involve ourselves in behaviors that somehow take hold of us, such as gambling or smoking or excessive shopping. Unfortunately, many of the scientists who do these studies also tell us that because we can become biologically addicted to the pleasure we receive from these behaviors, it means we have a brain disease—with the tacit implication that we therefore have no choice but to continue.

Or at least that’s what most practicing addicts would have us believe. They do this so that they can claim they are victims to their addictions and “can’t” make a different decision about what they are—voluntarily—doing to their lives.

I use the word ‘voluntarily’ with intention, because we all know that although there may well be substances and behaviors that arouse our brain’s pleasure centers, any of us can stop whenever we ultimately make the decision to stop. If that were not the case, millions of people from 12-Step and other recovery programs would still be actively using their addiction. But they aren’t—because they have chosen not to. I have the same pleasure centers in my brain, but I’m clean and sober today because I choose to be.

…AND I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE…

For a long time, I thought I was the only one who thought that perhaps addiction was more of a choice than a disease. But as time went on, I began to receive feedback from clients who told me that they too saw addiction as a choice, not as a physical illness—and that they felt relieved to know that I saw it that way too. I was amazed that there were, indeed, others who felt the same about this as I do, and that many of them were consciously choosing me to work with when looking for an Addictions Therapist.

Imagine my surprise when I even began to find published literature that contradicted the steadfastly-held belief that addiction is a medical brain disease. What I discovered was what I already believed to be true: whatever else addiction may or may not be—a biological compulsion, a result of genetic predisposition, perhaps a pursuit learned in one’s family of origin—regardless of any of that, whether or not to use an addictive behavior is a choice.

My colleague Andrew Feldmar, renowned Vancouver, BC psychologist, summed it up beautifully:

“A lot of responsibility is shirked by pretending—and other people making money from pretending—that what addicts suffer from is an illness rather than an existential choice. One cannot be NOT-free—as human beings, we are condemned to freedom. The flaw is that the helpers pretend they have choice and that the helped do not. But we are all in the same boat, there is only ‘us’—and we all have free choice.”

THE CHOICE MODEL OF ADDICTION

It is true that some people don’t end up recovering from addiction—and some of them use the ‘disease’ excuse to sidetrack themselves. “I have a disease,” they claim, “I can’t help it.”

Yes, you can help it—of course you can ‘help it’—but only if you choose to. When I discovered that I was an addict, I was actually relieved. I’d had no clue about what was going on with me, but I knew that the consequences I was struggling with had, over time, become progressively worse. Once I understood why I was doing what I was doing and how my negative choices were sabotaging my life, I also understood that I could change this way of living. At that point I was ready to be done with the miserable and dire consequences my addictions were causing.

I don’t believe that any of us start out using alcohol, drugs, or other behaviors in order to become addicts. We don’t go and sign up for Addiction 101. In fact, just the opposite is true in most cases: we think that this will never happen to us. Even if it happens to the other guy, we like to believe that we’re different, we can handle it. Our incredible capacity for denial tells us that we can continuously use mind-altering substances—or gamble or smoke or binge and purge, spend more than we have, or become glued to our computer screens—safely. And it often takes a while before we realize, beyond a doubt, that we have crossed that line into addiction. Although we did not intentionally set out to get ourselves addicted, we are still 100% responsible for what we are going to do about the fact that we have, indeed, become entrenched in addiction.

Of course, one of the roadblocks that can prevent addicts from making the decision to stop the addictive behaviors is the lack of caring. People who have been struggling with addiction for a while can lose their desire to care about their own lives, and sometimes feel that their loved ones have also stopped caring about them. They begin to wonder why they should even bother trying to make things better, finding it easier to convince themselves that they are powerless to change their lives. We have to dare to care, which requires effort, courage, and faith. Encouragement is often a vitally important part of the change process—and this is where self-help groups, family and friends, doctors, therapists, and other healers can play an integral role. If you or someone you know needs this kind of encouragement, please don’t hesitate to either give it or to reach out for it.

Ultimately, it makes no difference whether the addiction is to TV, heroin, or chocolate—there are any number addictive behaviors at our disposal. We all choose to hide from reality sometimes; that is human nature. The problematic behavior only becomes an addiction when it begins to interfere with our lives. This is what distinguishes a habit from an addictive behavior.

It’s important to remember that anyone can be a candidate for addiction, even people who have been actively in recovery for a period of time. As soon as addicts in recovery decide they are no longer going to handle life in healthy ways, off they go into that netherland of the infamous ‘slip’, which in actuality stands for “Sobriety Loses Its Priority.” Once people decide that sobriety from addiction is no longer a priority in their lives, they relapse and start to use again.

How can that be anything less than a choice?    

 

You can follow Candace’s Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page here by clicking ‘Like’:

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook

 

Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone: Recovery from Addictive Behaviors

by

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone—so true.

I love this saying, and wish I could take credit for thinking it up. In my humble opinion, whoever came up with it is a genius—and when I saw it on a fridge magnet many years ago, I bought several of them to give as gifts to people I recognized as being entrenched in their comfort zones. (Sometimes it really does take one to know one.) Having given most of them away, I am now down to just the one that lives in its special place on the side of my fridge, where I can see it every day.

For those of you who follow my Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself page on Facebook (see link at the end), you recently saw a post with a photo of an awesome purple cake adorned with that exact saying: “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” A client of mine, upon seeing my fridge magnet, took this sentiment to heart in a big way—and when it was finally time to celebrate a truly terrific and hard-won milestone in her life, she decided to reward herself with that very cake. After some hard inner work, she was able to embrace a vitally important understanding: in order to become emotionally free, she needed to make the conscious choice to move past what was comfortable for her and actually start living.

I’m so happy for her—and for all of us who eventually arrive at this place within ourselves.

What is a ‘Comfort Zone’?

Although this expression has become a catch phrase in self-help psychology, the term can be misleading. A comfort zone is really anything but comfortable. Neither is it an emotionally healthy place to be, and a lot of people unwittingly become stuck in them for long periods of time.

A comfort zone most often stems from family-of-origin dynamics. Over many years, we grow to know those well and easily fall into them. Sometimes a comfort zone can be the result of a negative feeling we’ve developed about ourselves, and we can hold onto that defective—and untrue—self-image well into our adulthood.

For example, one of my favorite comfort zones when I was growing up was to be a ‘good girl’ at all costs and to never make any waves, because I understood at a very early age that there would be difficult consequences awaiting me when I tried to speak my truth or act in a way that my parents didn’t appreciate. That particular comfort zone tenaciously had its roots in my faulty core beliefs about myself. Built up over a lot of years, those beliefs informed me that my opinions didn’t matter and that I somehow didn’t deserve to be treated as a valuable member of my own family. And, in the short run, it became more ‘comfortable’ for me to believe that and act as if it were true, than it would have been to challenge those beliefs and face the potentially uncomfortable consequences. With my wiser adult self-awareness, I see now that this was the perfect environment for many of my long-lingering comfort zones to develop and hold me hostage—until I learned about the pain that accompanies us when we make the choice to stay trapped in unhealthy behaviors.

The Two Kinds of Pain

What really happens in a comfort zone?

Comfort zones provide us with what is referred to in 12-Step literature as the ‘easier, softer way out’—until it no longer feels like that for us anymore, which is when change can happen. When we get stuck in a comfort zone, it’s like getting used to clothes that are just too small for us—until that magnificent moment when we realize we’ve outgrown them. But until that time, we continue to practice our learned behaviors in order to protect ourselves from the perceived potential pain of evolving and growing.

What many people don’t understand is that there are two distinctly different types of pain: there is the pain that goes on and on, and the pain that has a light at the end of the tunnel. When we choose to remain in a comfort zone, we are ultimately choosing the former because if we keep doing the same things, we keep getting the same results. As the profoundly wise saying goes, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Although that choice can appear easier, it will only feel like that in the short run. In the long run, the pain continues.

All addictions are comfort zones. If you are struggling with any form of addictive behavior, you’re using it in an attempt to shield yourself from the harsher realities of your life. As understandable as this coping strategy may be, addiction is ultimately a twisted form of self-care—with ‘twisted’ being the key word. There is nothing self-caring about hurting yourself over and over again just to be able to keep your eyes closed and stay in denial. That will only serve to create the kind of pain that never ends.

Coming out of Your Comfort Zone—Yes, You Can!

I don’t always agree with everything good ol’ Dr. Phil says, but every once in a while he comes up with something great. An example of this is the question he inevitably asks almost every one of his TV guests:

How’s that been workin’ for ya?

Interestingly, virtually every time I ask this question with my clients, I get the same response: “Not so well.” And when that is the case—when we finally recognize how stuck we are—the next question that needs to be asked is:

Are you ready to try something different?

When we decide to raise the bar for ourselves and choose a healthier behavior, most of us will immediately experience will be an overwhelming feeling of fear. This is a reasonable response because we are basically giving up an option that has felt like a security blanket or a best friend. We need to be gentle with ourselves when we make this courageous choice—we need to allow ourselves to vent, grieve, cry our tears, and then get on with facing reality outside of our comfort zone.

And let’s remember to pat ourselves on the back for being so brave!

It might help you to know that the second experience you’ll have is a marked increase in your self-respect—and in my opinion, nothing is more valuable than that. Once you’ve made the choice to actually feel your fear and embark on the journey of recovery from your comfort zone anyway, you will automatically feel better about yourself, even if you’re still a little scared. You will undoubtedly recognize that you’re now on the right track, even when this decision leads you into growth periods that make your hair stand on end. We all have times like that, whether we stay in addiction or choose recovery from our unhealthy coping behaviors. During these times, we need to remind ourselves of the two distinct types of pain and re-commit to being on the higher path, the one that will ultimately lead us to freedom from our addictions.

The truth is that you alone are responsible for making the decision to leave your comfort zone—but the good news is that you don’t have to do the inner work this requires by yourself. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for the help you need. There is no shame or stigma in needing help from others—the real tragedy occurs when we try to protect our pride and our egos by not asking for assistance. I have needed help many times over the years, and I still reach out for it today when I need to. I so appreciate the many people who have been there to help me, and I am profoundly grateful to be able to pay it forward with others who come to me for this.

Will you choose to opt for the pain that will actually end?

Are you ready to live the amazing life of freedom that awaits you at the end of your comfort zone?

 

You can follow Candace’s Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page here by clicking ‘Like’:

Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook