Archives for 2012

I am outraged.

We elect our political officials to work for us, don’t we?

And yet – we basically just let them do whatever they want, in so many ways.

WHY DOES THIS MADNESS CONTINUE?

I’m not even talking about the fact that they bemoan this ‘fiscal cliff’ as the latest buzzword tells us – while they receive gigantic salaries that they absolutely DO NOT deserve. Or the fact that they hire limos and private planes and drink $25 glasses of orange juice on the dime of the rest of us, the taxpayers.

Do you work hard? I know I do! Why do they get away with taking home so much money, not to mention their hefty benefits and severance packages? Why is it that people like the president and the superintendent of the many school boards make over $200,000 per year, when they turn around and say they don’t have the funds to make sure that all students have textbooks and that arts programs need to be slashed?

But I digress – that isn’t what I wanted to talk about today, so I’ll save that for another time…

Actually, today I want to talk about what most of us all over the world are thinking about – Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut and what happened there. Like everyone else in the world, my thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the children and teachers whose lives were lost there, as well as the rest of the residents of Newtown and everyone else who was personally affected. My heart is so heavy.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

I know that there really isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t already been said, about what a horrific, unfathomable tragedy this is. So I won’t even try to do that. Instead, I want to ask the questions swirling around in my head – the biggest one being “What did our politicians expect?” – those same ‘leaders,’ as I stated before, that we elect to work for us. How could they not see something like this coming? Why are they all so surprised?

First of all, there is no effective gun control in most countries in the world, and none at all on the Internet. As we all know by now, anyone can get their hands on any weapons they choose, at any time, day or night. What a sham it is for our leaders – and those of us who elected them – to wring our hands and ask how this could happen. No legitimate gun control is, without question, one of the two major reasons for why this happened.

And with our complicit silence we, the public, have allowed this to continue.

But the other reason, as I see it, has to do with all the funding that has been cut in recent years to social services, especially to those programs that assisted people with mental illness. Here in Vancouver, Canada, the largest agency that helped and housed those struggling with symptoms of deep and disturbing mental illnesses – Riverview Hospital – was shut down due to ‘budget constraints.’ As a result, those of us who live here continuously see the people who clearly are no longer receiving help – and who often now have nowhere to live – wandering our streets, sleeping in doorways, begging for food and money, shouting out loud to themselves, accosting, hurting, and sometimes even killing strangers on buses – the list of very scary, terribly dysfunctional behaviours goes on and on.

And the rest of us, with our silence, put up with it.

WHO IS REALLY TO BLAME?

Are they the ones at fault? Are the people without proper assistance and medication, who are hearing auditory hallucinations telling them to hurt someone, or worse, really the ones at fault? How could we think so?

At the time of this writing, we don’t know yet what happened to Adam Lanza to make him ‘SNAP’ – which is what people like to believe is what happens in situations like these. I think that now, as a society, we are learning something different about this. The shooter at the Aurora movie theatre didn’t ‘snap’ – rather, he took his time laying out his horrible plan, spent plenty of money ordering guns and ammunition from the Internet – and then proceeded to booby-trap his apartment so the police (and everyone else in his building and nearby radius) would be blown up. Is that ‘snapping’?

But one thing can’t be denied – anyone who would commit such a grievous, hideous, and completely self-absorbed crime against humanity – especially against children – cannot be perceived as even close to being emotionally or mentally healthy. And those who commit copy-cat crimes are not operating on all four cylinders either. There are, unfortunately, plenty of those people out there, and some will fly under the radar for a long time until they’re ready to fly above it. But without the proper medical and therapeutic attention, without the mental health services that are so badly needed and too often neglected as a matter of course these days, there is really very little hope of us reaching and helping the ones who are capable of this unspeakable onslaught of violence.

And, of course, when we add the stodgers – the ridiculous hold-outs who continue to say that we don’t need gun control – into that mix (ok, theoretically they are talking about America’s 2^nd Amendment, but many Canadians believe in their right to bear arms as well), there is only one thing that can happen. There will be more detestable violence and increased repetition of what we’ve already experienced.

Should we just sit around wondering who will be the next targets, and where that next strike will occur?

Tell me, how safe do you feel at the mall these days? What about at the movies? How will you feel the next time you send your kids off to school?

Isn’t it finally time for us to do something about all of this madness and compel our elected officials to do their real job?

Ah, Christmas!

The very thought of it brings to mind warm, loving families, cozy fireplaces, sugar plum fairies, and the very gifts you’ve been secretly hoping for.

Definitely the most wonderful time of the year…

Unless…

Unless you are the loved one of someone with an addiction—and then that beautiful snapshot can look completely different.

In truth, the Christmas season is the most difficult time of the year for people who love someone struggling with addiction. The anxiety that accompanies the holiday season is often unbearable for both addicts and their loved ones. But the difference is that there is a lot of help out there for people with addictions—and not very much at all for the family and friends who suffer and struggle right along with them. And, of course, the irony is that for every addict, there are numerous loved ones affected by that person’s addiction.

EVERYONE IS AFFECTED

Think about it—for every one person dealing with an addiction, there are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, teachers, fellow students, co-workers, bosses, doctors, therapists, and often countless more people whose lives are touched by this devastating situation—even beloved pets can be affected!

And unless loved ones are going to a support group such as Al-Anon, Ala-Teen, ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families), or CODA (Codependents Anonymous), they are far more likely to keep their emotional turmoil to themselves rather than talk to other people about what they are going through. This creates an increased sense of isolation and shame, because loved ones of people with addictions often don’t realize that a great many other people just like themselves are also isolated in their own feelings of shame and guilt.

OUR SECRETS KEEP US SICK

When we grow up in a climate of addiction—whether the addictive behavior is alcohol, drugs, disordered eating, smoking, gambling, sex or relationship addiction, or compulsive overspending—we learn at an early age how to pretend that everything is okay. We watch others in our families do that, so we basically learn from ‘experts’ how to present that stiff upper lip. Sometimes we keep that façade going well into adulthood, trying desperately to control everyone and everything in our lives so that others won’t know what’s really going on for us behind our closed doors. Essentially, we vow that we won’t let anyone truly know us, so that we won’t be judged or abandoned by our friends—or even by other family members.

HEALING REALLY IS POSSIBLE

When we can begin to understand that keeping these secrets is often a family legacy – one that we don’t have to buy into anymore—we can also begin to heal. We learn that we can make different choices that will actually help the situation instead of just enabling it to continue.

How can we do that? We heal by talking with others about what is truly going on and how we really feel about it, without having to put on that façade of everything being ‘in control’. I deeply believe that our real strength shines through when we decide to be authentic in our relationships with others, allowing ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable—the very thing most of us were taught in our families not to be.

Please know that it takes tremendous courage to go against our family values, to do whatever is necessary to move away from being in the problem and choosing instead to be in the solution. Until that decision is made, even by only one person in the family system, no healing can take place for anyone involved.

WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY

If you are the loved one of an addict or alcoholic, you are most likely facing this upcoming holiday season with equal portions of fear, anxiety, shame, and guilt. Those very feelings fly in the face of the often ridiculous hype we see in the ads portrayed on TV during the months leading up to that one day of the year when we are all supposed to be loving and jolly.

For those of you who have experienced year after year of increasingly stressful and unhappy holiday times, I would like to pose the good ol’ Dr. Phil question: How’s that been working for you? Like most loved ones of addicts, your answer is probably something like “Not very well.” And if that is your answer, then my next question to you is: Are you willing to try something different this time?

Many of you will respond with a resounding “YES!!” followed closely with “But what should I do? How can I make this year’s holiday different than other holidays have been?”

Let me suggest a few guidelines to help you do exactly that:

1.     If your friend or family member has an addiction that overtakes the joy of the holiday season, you might want to decide not to have them in attendance. It’s been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If, this year, you allow your addicted loved one to once again negatively dominate your family functions, what makes you think you’ll get a different result than the one you had last year, or the year before that?

2.     If you find it difficult to set clear and healthy boundaries with your addicted loved one, try to enlist the support of other friends or family members to assist you when you talk with him or her. Although this may mean sharing the truth of your situation for the first time, a united front is generally far more effective when setting boundaries with addicts who may have a tendency to become verbally or physically abusive when challenged. There can be safety in numbers.

3.     If you have any questions or confusion about what your boundaries are in this situation, know that there are skilled professionals who can help, such as counselors, therapists, and interventionists. Many counseling services are now also available via telephone, Skype, and email. Try to seek out someone who is trained in dealing with addiction—from the point of view of both the addict and the loved ones. It’s very common to not know what boundaries to set at first—or how to go about maintaining them, which is equally important. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you need help—that’s what we’re here for.

4.     Once you know what kind of boundaries you want to set, it will be a good idea to tell your addicted loved one before the holidays arrive. For example, you may want to say, “We love you and we’d very much like you to be part of our family gathering this year—as long as you don’t drink or use drugs 24 hours before you arrive, or during the time you’re with us. If you agree to this but you don’t uphold your end of the agreement, you will be asked to leave and escorted out if necessary.”

5.     If the addict/alcoholic is likely to become abusive during the holidays—or any other time—and you know they won’t honor your request for them to leave, it may be a good idea to have an exit strategy planned for yourself (and your children) if that becomes necessary. Every time you allow someone else to act this way toward you, your tremendously important self-respect is affected, perhaps more than you realize. You do not have to tolerate anyone else’s verbal or physical abuse, and it’s best to nip it as early as you can to prevent it from escalating.

6.     Keep in mind that if you don’t set and maintain clear and healthy boundaries with people who behave inappropriately, you are enabling their dysfunctional behaviors as well as your own codependency. This is not a loving act toward either of you, and creates a definite lose-lose scenario. You can choose to empower yourself to act differently this time around.

GIVE THE GIFT OF SELF-RESPECT

Being the loved one of someone who is actively participating in any self-destructive, addictive behavior is tremendously difficult at the best of times. When we add Christmas festivities to the mix, a great many more anxieties can bubble to the surface for all concerned. It is, therefore, vitally important to have a clear sense of how you’d like your holiday to be this year, and take the steps necessary to help achieve that goal.

Remember—we cannot change or control another person. We can only change our own choices, reactions, and behaviors. Let’s all make the choice to give ourselves the gift of becoming as self-aware and self-respecting as we can possibly be—at Christmas time and all year round.

I wish all of you a wonderful and blessed holiday season.

“Rape is rape.”

That’s what Barack Obama said on the Jay Leno show.

Unfortunately, he was compelled to comment on this issue because the male Republican misogynists are at it again.

It wasn’t enough for Todd Akin to oh-so-stupidly announce that women who are “legitimately raped” have a biological mechanism that will enable them to spontaneously end their resulting pregnancies. Now Richard Mourdock has outed himself as a bona fide idiot by stating that when women find themselves pregnant as a result of rape, “It is what God intended.”

Excuse me??? Are these guys for real??

As a dual citizen of the US and Canada, I have the right to vote. I’m especially glad about that in light of the fact that the US government wants me to pay several years’ worth of income tax when I have neither lived nor worked in America since 1974—and I know that millions of other people all over the world are in this same unfair and ridiculous predicament. If I have to pay taxes that I should not have to pay, at the very least I should have the right to vote in the US federal election.

But in this particular election, I am extremely gratified that I can vote because I can’t even fathom what the world would be like if Romney and his muddled cohort of Republican dolts got into office and held power over such tremendously important decisions as women’s health care.

Can you??

Even if I didn’t think Obama could do a good job for another four years as President of the United States—which I do—I would still vote for him in this upcoming election. I’m grateful that the last place I lived in the US was Miami, which means I can vote in the swing state of Florida. Yes, I know I’m only one person—but what if every one person who was able to vote actually DID vote, for the only candidate that can—in my opinion—truly keep the free world free?

Are any of you citizens of the US, dual or otherwise? Are you going to vote? Please consider what could happen if you don’t. It isn’t very difficult to do this—just ask Google how to vote in the US and you will be given the information you need, no matter what state you last resided in—and they will mail a ballot to you.

There is still time—but please don’t hesitate—the world needs your one vote! If you don’t—just think, a girl or woman you love (or maybe even you yourself) might have to face the consequences of a dangerous Republican health care system making vital decisions for others that should NOT be theirs to make.

I wonder what other barbaric ideas they have up their collectively ludicrous sleeves next—maybe legalizing public stoning or, better yet, blaming rape on the woman and letting the perpetrator completely off the hook?

A few weeks ago, to the delight of all the recovering addicts in the Lower Mainland, Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson declared that September 30^th would be “Recovery Day.”

The last weekend of September saw a variety of Recovery Day events in many places across Canada and the US. While cities like Atlanta, Georgia celebrated their 4^th annual Recovery Day, Vancouver enjoyed its first of hopefully many more days like this to come.

As a recovering addict myself with 25 years clean and sober, I was extremely happy and grateful to be a part of this amazing event on September 30^th. What an awe-inspiring day!

COME TOGETHER, RIGHT NOW…

Hundreds of recovering addicts and alcoholics, as well as their loved ones, gathered on September 30^th to shine a spotlight on the vitally important role that recovery plays in their lives. Those of us who choose, one day at a time, to remain abstinent from our problematic addictive behaviors, know the immense pride and self-respect we feel when we ‘carry the message’ to others who are still struggling to do the same. Feeling compassion and empathy for those who are still in active addiction, our gratitude speaks when we share our journey with them. We know that if we don’t put our own recovery first and foremost in our lives, we could easily relapse right back into our old destructive ways—no question about it.

So this day held special meaning for all who attended. For most of us, it was a celebration of our own personal clean and sober time—after having spent many years in the shame, guilt, remorse, and self-hatred that active addiction brings. For others, it was a perfect opportunity to share vital and fundamental information about treatment centers, recovery homes, detoxes, and other addiction-based resources, so that those people who are still suffering from addiction could find some much-needed assistance. Loved ones who were there also had the opportunity to talk with professionals like myself who offer help for people in their situation. All the bases appeared to be covered.

But for all the clean and sober addicts in recovery who were in attendance last Sunday, it was a tremendous validation for those of us who wish to be part of the solution instead of choosing to remain part of the problem. And when the numbers were tallied at the end of the day and we heard that we represented 1600+ years of recovery, the joyous impact of that realization was deeply felt by each and every one of us.

SUNSHINE, BALLOONS, FACE-PAINTING—AND DANCING

Our Recovery Day event was held on the grounds of the Vancouver Art Gallery downtown—and the weather cooperated with us, giving us a beautiful sunny day. There were several very moving speeches from both addicts in recovery and their loved ones, after which there was music and dancing in the sunshine. I couldn’t help but remember my early days in recovery, all those years ago, when I couldn’t figure out how to dance without being under the influence of a mind-altering substance—but there I was, dancing up a storm with everyone else. I watched as children ran through the crowd, chasing their errant balloons and showing off their freshly painted faces, squealing as only happy children can do—and it warmed my heart to see families that were now reunited after being torn asunder by the harsh realities of addiction.

As an Addictions Therapist in private practice in Vancouver, I especially enjoyed being able to talk with the loved ones of people with addictions, for whom there are not nearly as many resources as there are for addicts and alcoholics. There seemed to be quite a few loved ones at our Recovery Day, which I found gratifying because they were reaching out for help to understand how they could best assist the addicts they so dearly love.

More often than not, people who grapple with addictive behaviors themselves are also loved ones of addicts, either because they grew up in families where addiction was rampant, or perhaps because they found themselves in significant relationships with someone with addictions—or both. I’ve recently begun to see a much-needed spike in understanding about this phenomenon, as those with addictions also come to talk with me about their fears and frustrations of being a loved one. This is a great step forward, because the only way a family can become more healthy, united, and whole is if all the members are on board in their own active recovery.

THANK YOU, MR. MAYOR

I would like to personally thank our Mayor, Gregor Robertson—on behalf of myself and all addicts in recovery in Vancouver—for having the foresight to know how important this day would be for us. We no longer have to be ashamed of ourselves because we got caught up in the devastating realm of addiction, sometimes for many years at a stretch. Instead, we can come together—with healthy pride and serenity—as role models for those who continue to need our assistance. We can stand tall and finally be the change we want to see in our families, in our communities, and in our world as a whole.

Let’s do it again next year—but let’s have at least twice the number of people in attendance and several times more than 1600+ years of recovery represented—one day at a time.

I can’t think of a better example of a win-win situation—can you?